another occasion; and that Mrs. Mary Pippe, an old maid, was placed by the unanimous vote of the whole company at the upper end of the table, from whence she had the confusion to behold several mothers of families among her inferiors.' The criminal alleged in his defence, that what he had done was to raise mirth, and avoid ceremony; and that the ladies did not complain of his rudeness until the next morning, having eaten up what he had provided for them with great readiness and alacrity. The Censor, frowning upon him, told him, that he ought not to discover so much levity in matters of a serious nature;' and, upon the jury's bringing him in guilty, sentenced him to treat the whole assembly of ladies over again,' and to take care that he did it with the decorum which was due to persons of their quality. Rebecca Shapely, spinster, was indicted by Mrs. Sarah Smack, for speaking many words reflecting upon her reputation, and the heels of her silk slippers, which the prisoner had maliciously suggested to be two inches higher than they really were. The prosecutor urged, as an aggravation of her guilt, that the prisoner was herself guilty of the same kind of forgery which she had laid to the prosecutor's charge; for that she, the said Rebecca Shapely, did always wear a pair of steel bodice, and a false rump. The Censor ordered the slippers to be produced in open court, where the heels were adjudged to be of the statutable size. He then ordered the grand jury to search the criminal, who, after some time spent therein, acquitted her of the bodice, but found her guilty of the rump: upon which she received sentence as is usual in such cases. hehalf of the defendant, that the plaintiff had never given her any regular notice of her being in town; that the visit she alleged had been made on Monday, which she knew was a day on which Mrs. Flambeau was always abroad, having set aside that only day in the week to mind the affairs of her family: that the servant, who inquired whether she was at home, did not give the visiting knock: that it was not between the hours of five and eight in the evening: that there were no candles lighted up: that it was not on Mrs. Flambeau's day; and, in short, that there was not one of the essential points observed that constitute a visit. She further proved by her porter's book, which was produced in court, that she had paid the lady Townly a visit on the twenty-fourth day of March, just before her leaving the town, in the year seventeen hundred and nine-ten,* for which she was still creditor to the said lady Townly. To this the plaintiff only replied, that she was now under covert, and not liable to any debts contracted when she was a single woman. Mr. Bickerstaff finding the cause to be very intricate, and that several points of honour were likely to arise in it, he deferred giving judgment upon it until the next session day, at which time he ordered the ladies on his left hand to present to the court a table of all the laws relating to visits. erstaff finding that the defendant had made no further overture of love or marriage, but by looks and ocular engagement; yet at the same time considering how very apt such impudent seducers are to lead the ladies' hearts astray, ordered the criminal to stand upon the stage in the Hay-market, between each act of the next opera, there to be exposed to public view as a false ogler.' Winifred Leer brought her action against Richard Sly for having broken a inarriage-contract, and wedded another woman, after he had engaged himself to marry the said Winifred Leer. She alleged, that he had ogled her twice at an opera, thrice in St. James's church, and once at Powel's puppet-show, at which time he promised her marriage by a side-glance, as her William Trippet, esquire, of the Middle Tem-friend could testify that sat by her. Mr. Bickple, brought his action against the lady Elizabeth Prudely, for having refused him her hand as he offered to lead her to her coach from the opera. The plaintiff set forth, that he had entered himself into the list of those volunteers, who officiate every night behind the boxes as gentlemen-ushers of the playhouse; that he had been at a considerable charge in white gloves, periwigs, and snuff-boxes, in order to qualify himself for that employment, and in hopes of making his fortune by it. The counsel for the defendant replied, that the plaintiff had given out that he was within a month of wedding their client, and that she had refused her hand to him in ceremony, lest he should interpret it as a promise that she would give it him in marriage. As soon as the pleadings on both sides were finished, the Censor ordered the plaintiff to be cashiered from his office of gentleman-usher to the playhouse, since it was too plain that he had undertaken it with an ill design; and at the same time ordered the defendant either to marry the said plaintiff, or to pay him half-a-crown for the new pair of gloves and coach-hire that he was at the expense of in her service. The lady Townly brought an action of debt against Mrs. Flambeau, for that the said Mrs. Flambeau had not been to see the lady Townly, and wish her joy, since her marriage with sir Ralph, notwithstanding she, the said lady Townly, had paid Mrs. Flambeau a visit upon her first coming to town. It was urged in the Upon the rising of the court, Mr. Bickerstaff having taken one of these counterfeits in the very fact, as he was ogling a lady of the grand jury, ordered him to be scized, and prosecuted upon the statute of ogling. He likewise directed the clerk of the court to draw up an edict against these common cheats, that make women believe they are distracted for them, by staring them out of countenance, and often blast a lady's reputation, whom they never speak to, by saucy looks and distant familiarities. No. 263.] Thursday, December 14, 1710. Minima contentos nocte Britannos. From my own Apartment, December 13 *Not nineteen, but on the very last day of 1709-10. It reckoning at that time, the year 1710 began on the day was a nice point; for, according to the manner of following, that is, on the 25th of March. town, I went to see him on Tuesday last, about | William Rufus used to go to dinner in it. All eight o'clock in the evening, with a design to business is driven forward. The land-marks sit with him an hour or two, and talk over old of our fathers, if I may so call them, are restories; but upon inquiry after him, I found he moved, and planted further up into the day; was gone to-bed. The next morning, as soon insomuch, that I am afraid our clergy will be as I was up and dressed, and had despatched a obliged, if they expect full congregations, not little business, I came again to my friend's to look any more upon ten o'clock in the mornhouse, about eleven o'clock, with a design to ing as a canonical hour. In my own memory, renew my visit; but upon asking for him, his the dinner has crept by degrees from twelve servant told me he was just set down to dinner. o'clock to three, and where it will fix nobody In short, I found that my old-fashioned friend knows. religiously adhered to the example of his forefathers, and observed the same hours that had been kept in the family ever since the conquest. It is very plain, that the night was much longer formerly in this island than it is at present. By the night, I mean that portion of time which nature has thrown into darkness, and which the wisdom of mankind had formerly dedicated to rest and silence. This used to begin at eight o'clock in the evening, and conclude at six in the morning. The curfew, or eight o'clock bell, was the signal throughout the nation for putting out their candles and going to-bed. Our grandmothers, though they were wont to sit up the last in the family, were all of them fast asleep at the same hours that their daughters are busy at crimp and basset. Modern statesmen are concerting schemes, and engaged in the depth of politics, at the time when their forefathers were laid down quietly to rest, and had nothing in their heads but dreams. As we have thus thrown business and pleasure into the hours of rest, and by that means made the natural night but half as long as it should be, we are forced to piece it out with a great part of the morning; so that near two thirds of the nation lie fast asleep for several hours in broad day-light. This irregularity is grown so very fashionable at present, that there is scarce a lady of quality in Great Britain that ever saw the sun rise. And, if the humour increases in proportion to what it has done of late years, it is not impossible but our children may hear the bell-man going about the streets at nine o'clock in the morning, and the watch making their rounds until eleven. This unaccountable disposition in mankind to continue awake in the night, and sleep in the sunshine, has made me inquire, whether the same change of inclination has happened to any other animals? For this reason, I desired a friend of mine in the country to let me know, whether the lark rises as early as he did formerly; and whether the cock begins to crow at his usual hour. My friend has answered me, that his poultry are as regular as ever, and that all the birds and beasts of his neighbourhood keep the same hours that they have observed in the memory of man; and the same which, in all probability, they have kept for these five thousand years.' If you would see the innovations that have been made among us in this particular, you may only look into the hours of colleges, where they still dine at eleven, and sup at six, which were doubtless the hours of the whole nation at the time when those places were founded. But at present, the courts of justice are scarce opened in Westminster-hall, at the time when I have sometimes thought to draw up a me morial in the behalf of Supper against Dinner, setting forth, that the said Dinner has made several encroachments upon the said Supper, and entered very far upon his frontiers; that he has banished him out of several families, and in all has driven him from his head quarters, and forced him to make his retreat into the hours of midnight; and, in short, that he is now in danger of being entirely confounded and lost in a breakfast. Those who have read Lucian, and seen the complaints of the letter T against S, upon account of many injuries and usurpations of the same nature, will not, I believe, think such a memorial forced and unnatural. If dinner has been thus postponed, or, if you please, kept back from time to time, you may be sure that it has been in compliance with the other business of the day, and that supper has still observed a proportionable distance. There is a venerable proverb, which we have all of us heard in our infancy, of putting the children to-bed, and laying the goose to the fire.' This was one of the jocular sayings of our forefathers, but may be properly used in the literal sense at present. Who would not wonder at this perverted relish of those who are reckoned the most polite part of mankind, that prefer sea-coals and candles to the sun, and exchange so many cheerful morning hours, for the pleasures of midnight revels and debauches? If a man was only to consult his health, he would choose to live his whole time, if possible, in daylight; and to retire out of the world into silence and sleep, while the raw damps and unwholesome vapours fly abroad, without a sun to disperse, moderate, or control them. For my own part, I value an hour in the morning as much as common libertines do an hour at midnight. When I find myself awakened into being, and perceive my life renewed within me, and at the same time see the whole face of nature recovered out of the dark uncomfortable state in which it lay for several hours, my heart overflows with such secret sentiments of joy and gratitude, as are a kind of implicit praise to the great Author of nature. The mind, in these early seasons of the day, is so refreshed in all its faculties, and borne up with such new supplies of animal spirits, that she finds herself in a state of youth, especially when she is en. tertained with the breath of flowers, the melody of birds, the dews that hang upon the plants, and all those other sweets of nature that are peculiar to the morning. It is impossible for a man to have this relish of being, this exquisite taste of life, who does not come into the world before it is in all its noise and hurry; who loses the rising of the sun, the still hours of the day, and, immediately | hand, and thrown aside when he grows dull upon his first getting up, plunges himself into the ordinary cares or follies of the world. I shall conclude this paper with Milton's inimitable description of Adam's awakening his Eve in Paradise, which, indeed, would have been a place as little delightful as a barren heath or desert to those who slept in it. The fondness of the posture in which Adam is represented, and the softness of his whisper, are passages in this divine poem, that are above all commendation, and rather to be admired than praised. Now Morn her rosy steps in th' eastern clime Such whispering wak'd her, but with startled eye No. 264.] Milton's Par. Lost, b. v. 1. 1, &c. Saturday, December 16, 1710. Favete linguis Favour your tongues. Hor. 1 Od. iii. 2. From my own arren, December 15. BOCCALINI, in lis Parnassus,' indites a laconic writer for speaking that in three words which he might have said in two, and sentences him for his punishment to read over all the works of Guicciardini. This Guicciardini is so very prolix and circumstantial in his writings, that I remember our countryman, Doctor Donne, speaking of that majestic and concise manner in which Moses has described the creation of the world, adds, that if such an author as Guicciardini were to have written on such a subject, the world itself would not have been able to have contained the books that gave the history of its creation.' I look upon a tedious talker, or what is generally known by the name of a story-teller, to be much more insufferable than even a prolix writer. An author may be tossed out of your and tiresome; but such liberties are so far from being allowed towards your orators, in common conversation, that I have known a challenge sent a person for going out of the room abruptly, and leaving a man of honour in the midst of a dissertation. This evil is at present so very common and epidemical, that there is scarce a coffee-house in town that has not some speakers belonging to it, who utter their political essays, and draw parallels out of Baker's Chronicle' to almost every part of her majesty's reign. It was said of two ancient authors, who had very different beauties in their style, 'that if you took a word from one of them, you only spoiled his eloquence; but if you took a word from the other, you spoiled his sense.' I have often applied the first part of this criticism to several of these coffee-house speakers, whom I have at present in my thoughts, though the character that is given to the last of those authors, is what I would recommend to the imita tion of my loving countrymen. But it is not only public places of resort, but private clubs and conversations over a bottle, that are infested with this loquacious kind of animal, especially with that species which I comprehend under the name of a story-teller. I would earnestly desire these gentlemen to consider, that no point of wit or mirth at the end of a story can atone for the half hour that has been lost before they come at it. I would likewise lay it home to their serious consideration, whether they think that every man in the company has not a right to speak as well as themselves? and whether they do not think they are invading another man's property, when they engross the time which should be divided equally among the company to their own private use? What makes this evil the much greater.in conversation is, that these humdrum companions seldom endeavour to wind up their narrations into a point of mirth or instruction, which might make some amends for the tediousness of them; but think they have a right to tell any thing that has happened within their memory. They look upon matter of fact to be a sufficient foundation for a story, and give us a long account of things, not because they are entertaining or surprising, but because they are true. My ingenious kinsman, Mr. Humphry Wagstaff, used to say, the life of man is too short for a story-teller." Methusalem might be half an hour in telling what o'clock it was: but as for us postiluvians, we ought to do every thing in haste; and in our speeches, as well as actions, remember that our time is short. A man that talks for a quarter of an hour together in company, if I meet him frequently, takes up a great part of my span. A quarter of an hour may be reckoned the eight-and-fortieth part of a day, a day the three hundred and sixtieth part of a year, and a year the threescore and tenth part of life. By this moral arithmetic, supposing a man to be in the talking world one third part of the day, whoever gives another a quarter of an hour's hearing, * An allusion probably to Swift, who, to speak in his way, was certainly a great story-teller himself. of all the laws now in force relating to visits and visiting-days, methodically digested under their respective heads, which the censor ordered to be laid upon the table, and afterwards proceeded upon the business of the day. makes him a sacrifice of more than the four hundred thousandth part of his conversable life. I would establish but one great general rule to be observed in all conversation, which is this, 'that men should not talk to please themselves, but those that hear them.' This would make Henry Heedless, esquire, was indicted by them consider, whether what they speak be colonel Touchy, of her majesty's trained-bands, worth hearing; whether there be either wit or upon an action of assault and battery; for that sense in what they are about to say; and, whe-he, the said Mr. Heedless, having espied a feather it be adapted to the time when, the place ther upon the shoulder of the said colonel, struck where, and the person to whom, it is spoken. it off gently with the end of a walking-staff, vaFor the utter extirpation of these orators and lue three pence. It appeared, that the prosecustory-tellers, which I look upon as very great tor did not think himself injured until a few pests of society, I have invented a watch which days after the aforesaid blow was given him; divides the minute into twelve parts, after the but that having ruminated with himself for sesame manner that the ordinary watches are di- veral days, and conferred upon it with other offivided into hours: and will endeavour to get a cers of the militia, he concluded that he had in patent, which shall oblige every club or compa- effect been cudgelled by Mr. Heedless, and that ny to provide themselves with one of these he ought to resent it accordingly. The counsel watches, that shall lie upon the table as an hour for the prosecutor alleged, that the shoulder was glass is often placed near the pulpit,* to measure the tenderest part in a man of honour; that it out the length of a discourse. had a natural antipathy to a stick; and that every touch of it, with any thing made in the fashion of a cane, was to be interpreted as a wound in that part, and a violation of the person's honour who received it. Mr. Heedless replied, that what he had done was out of kindProvided, however, that if any one can make ness to the prosecutor, as not thinking it proper it appear he is turned of threescore, he may for him to appear at the head of the trainedtake two, or, if he pleases, three rounds, of the bands with a feather upon his shoulder;' and watch without giving offence. Provided, also, further added, 'that the stick he had made use that this rule be not construed to extend to the of on this occasion was so very small, that the fair sex, who shall still be at liberty to talk by prosecutor could not have felt it had he broken the ordinary watch that is now in use. I would it on his shoulders.' The censor hereupon dilikewise earnestly recommend this little auto-rected the jury to examine into the nature of maton, which may be easily carried in the pock-the staff, for that a great deal would depend et without any incumbrance, to all such as are troubled with this infirmity of speech, that upon pulling out their watches, they may have frequent occasion to consider what they are doing, and by that means cut the thread of the story short, and hurry to a conclusion. I shall only add, that this watch, with a paper of directions how to use it, is sold at Charles Lillie's. I shall be willing to allow a man one round of my watch, that is, a whole minute, to speak in; but if he exceeds that time, it shall be lawful for any of the company to look upon the watch, or to call him down to order. I am afraid a Tatler will be thought a very improper paper to censure this humour of being talkative; but I would have my readers know, that there is a great difference between tattle and loquacity, as I shall show at large in a following lucubration; it being my design to throw away a candle upon that subject, in order to explain the whole art of tattling in all its branches and subdivisions No. 265.] Tuesday, December 19, 1710. Arbiter hic igitur factus de lite jocosa. Ovid. Met. iii. 331. As soon as the court was sat, the ladies of the bench presented, according to order, a table upon that particular. Upon which he explained to them the different degrees of offence that might be given by the touch of crab-tree from that of cane, and by the touch of cane from that of a plain hazle stick. The jury, after a short perusal of the staff, declared their opinion by the mouth of their foreman, that the substance of the staff was British oak.' The censor then observing that there was some dust on the skirts of the criminal's coat, ordered the prosecutor to beat it off with the aforesaid oaken plant; and thus,' said the censor, I shall decide this cause by the law of retaliation. If Mr. Heedless did the colonel a good office, the colonel will by this means return it in kind; but if Mr. Heedless should at any time boast that he had cudgelled the colonel, or laid his staff over his shoulders, the colonel might boast, in his turn, that he has brushed Mr. Heedless's jacket, or, to use the phrase of an ingenious author, that he has rubbed him down with an oaken towel.' Benjamin Busy, of London, merchant, was indicted by Jasper Tattle, esquire, for having pulled out his watch, and looked upon it thrice while the said esquire Tattle was giving him an account of the funeral of the said esquire Tattle's first wife. The prisoner alleged in his defence, that he was going to buy stocks at the time when he met the prosecutor; and that, during the story of the prosecutor, the said * The annotator remembers bis having seen sand-stocks rose above two per cent. to the great deglasses used for the same purpose in the principal church es of a town of considerable note; and it is very proba ble that this custom is not yet entirely laid aside in the remoter parts of Great Britain. triment of the prisoner. The prisoner further brought several witnesses to prove that the said Jasper Tattle, esquire, was a most notorious No. 266.] Thursday, December 21, 1710. Rideat et pulset lasciva decentius ætas. Hor. 2 Ep. ii. ult. Let youth, more decent in their follies, scoff From my own Apartment, December 20. story-teller; that, before he met the prisoner, he had hindered one of the prisoner's acquaintance from the pursuit of his lawful business, with the account of his second marriage; and that he had detained another by the button of his coat that very morning, until he had heard several witty sayings and contrivances of the pro secutor's eldest son, who was a boy of about five years of age. Upon the whole matter, Mr. Bickerstaff dismissed the accusation as frivolous, and Ir would be a good appendix to 'The art of sentenced the prosecutor 'to pay damages to the living and dying,' if any one would write 'The prisoner, for what the prisoner had lost by giving art of growing old,' and teach men to resign him so long and patient a hearing.' He further their pretensions to the pleasures and gallantries reprimanded the prosecutor very severely, and of youth in proportion to the alteration they find told him that if he proceeded in his usual man- in themselves by the approach of age and inner to interrupt the business of mankind, he firmities. The infirmities of this stage of life would set a fine upon him for every quarter of would be much fewer, if we did not affect those an hour's impertinence, and regulate the said which attend the more vigorous and active part fine according as the time of the person so in- of our days; but instead of studying to be wiser, jured should appear to be more or less precious.' or being contented with our present follies, the Sir Paul Swash, knight, was indicted by Peter ambition of many of us is also to be the same Double, gentleman, for not returning the bow sort of fools we formerly have been. I have which he received of the said Peter Double, on often argued, as I am a professed lover of woWednesday the sixth instant, at the playhouse men, that our sex grows old with a much worse in the Hay-market. The prisoner denied the grace than the other does; and have ever been receipt of any such bow, and alleged in his de- of opinion, that there are more well-pleased old fence, that the prosecutor would oftentimes look women than old men. I thought it a good reafull in his face, but that when he bowed to the son for this, that the ambition of the fair sex said prosecutor, he would take no notice of it, or being confined to advantageous marriages, or bow to somebody else that sat quite on the other shining in the eyes of men, their parts were side of him. He likewise alleged, that several over sooner, and consequently the errors in the ladies had complained of the prosecutor, who, performances of them. The conversation of this after ogling them a quarter of an hour, upon evening has not convinced me of the contrary; their making a courtesy to him, would not re- for one or two fop-women shall not make a baturn the civility of a bow. The censor ob-lance for the crowds of coxcombs among ourserving several glances of the prosecutor's eye, and perceiving that when he talked to the court he looked upon the jury, found reason to suspect Returning home this evening a little before there was a wrong cast in his sight, which, my usual hour, I scarce had seated myself in upon examination, proved true. The censor my easy chair, stirred the fire, and stroked my therefore ordered the prisoner, that he might not cat, but I heard somebody come rumbling up produce any more confusions in public assem-stairs. I saw my door opened, and a human blies, never to bow to any body whom he did not at the time call to by name.' selves, diversified according to the different pursuits of pleasure and business. figure advancing towards me, so fantastically put together, that it was some minutes before I Oliver Bluff and Benjamin Browbeat were in- discovered it to be my old and intimate friend, dicted for going to fight a duel since the erec- Sam Trusty. Immediately I rose up, and placed tion of the Court of Honour.' It appeared, hit in my own seat; a compliment I pay to that they were both taken up in the street as few. The first thing he uttered was, 'Isaac, they passed by the court in their way to the fetch me a cup of your cherry-brandy before fields behind Montague-house. The criminals you offer to ask any question.' He drank a would answer nothing for themselves, but that lusty draught, sat silent for some time, and at they were going to execute a challenge which last broke out; I am come,' quoth he, 'to inhad been made a week before the Court of Ho-sult thee for an old fantastic dotard, as thou art, nour' was erected. The censor finding some in ever defending the women. I have this eve. reason to suspect by the sturdiness of their be- ning visited two widows, who are now in that haviour, that they were not so very brave as state I have often heard you call an after-life; they would have the court believe them, ordered I suppose you mean by it, an existence which them both to be searched by the grand jury, grows out of past entertainments, and is an unwho found a breast-plate upon the one, and two timely delight in the satisfactions which they quires of paper upon the other. The breast-plate once set their hearts upon too much to be ever was immediately ordered to be hung upon a peg able to relinquish. Have but patience,' contiover Mr. Bickerstaff's tribunal, and the paper nued he, until I give you a succinct account of to be laid upon the table for the use of his clerk. my ladies, and of this night's adventure. They He then ordered the criminals to button up their are much of an age, but very different in their bosoms, and, if they pleased, proceed to their characters. The one of them, with all the adduel. Upon which they both went very quietly vances which years have made upon her, goes out of the court, and retired to their respective on in a certain romantic road of love and friend. lodgings. The Court then adjourned until after ship which she fell into in her teens; the other the holidays. has transferred the amorous passions of her first years to the love of cronies, petts, and fa Copia vera. CHARLES LILLIE. |