THE TATLER.

on by any legal penalties; though I think it would be highly reasonable, that those few of them who die in the professions of their infidelity, should have such tokens of infamy fixed upon them, as might distinguish those bodies which are given up by the owners to oblivion and putrefaction, from those which rest in hope, and shall rise in glory. But at the same time that I am against doing them the honour of the notice of our laws, which ought not to suppose there are such criminals in being, I have often wondered, how they can be tolerated in any mixed conversations, while they are venting these absurd opinions; and should think, that if, on any such occasions, half a dozen of the most robust Christians in the company would lead one of those gentlemen to a pump, or convey him into a blanket, they would do very good service both to church and state. know how the laws stand in this particular; I do not but I hope, whatever knocks, bangs, or thumps, might be given with such an honest intention, would not be construed as a breach of the peace. I dare say, they would not be returned by the person who receives them; for whatever these fools may say in the vanity of their hearts, they are too wise to risk their lives upon the uncertainty of their opinions.

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255

life; but the major refused to grant it, before he had asked pardon for his offence in a short extemporary prayer, which the old gentleman dictated to him upon the spot, and which his proselyte repeated after him in the presence of the whole ordinary, that were now gathered about him in the garden.

No. 136.] Tuesday, February 21, 1709-10.

Deprendi miserum est: Fabio vel judice vincam.
Hor. 1. Sat. ii. ver. ult.

To be surprised, is sure a wretched tale,
And for the truth to Fabius I appeal. Francis.
White's Chocolate-house, February 18.

THE HISTORY OF TOM VARNISH.

beginnings of stories, I will go into this at once, BECAUSE I have a professed aversion to long by telling you, there dwells near the Royal Exchange as happy a couple as ever entered into wedlock. These live in that mutual confidence of each other, which renders the satisfaction of marriage even greater than those of friendship, and makes wife and husband the When I was a young man about this town, is a merchant of good consideration, and underdearest appellations of human life. Mr. Balance I frequented the ordinary of the Black-horse in stands the world, not from speculation, but Holborn, where the person that usually presided practice. His wife is the daughter of an honest at the table was a rough old-fashioned gentle-house, ever bred in a family-way; and has, man, who, according to the customs of those times from a natural good understanding, and great had been the major and preacher of a regiment. innocence, a freedom which men of sense know It happened one day that a noisy young officer, to be the certain sign of virtue, and fools take to bred in France, was venting some new-fangled be an encouragement to vice. notions, and speaking, in the gayety of his humour, against the dispensations of Providence. The major, at first, only desired him to talk more respectfully of one for whom all the company had an honour; but, finding him run on in his extravagance, began to reprimand him after a more serious manner. said he, do not abuse your Benefactor whilst 'Young man,' you are eating his bread. Consider whose air you breathe, whose presence you are in, and who it is that gave you the power of that very speech which you make use of to his dishonour.' The young fellow, who thought to turn matters into a jest, asked him if he was going to preach but at the same time desired rim to take care what he said when he spoke to a man of honour. A man of honour!' says the major; 'thou art an infidel and a blasphemer, and I shall use thee as such.' In short, the quarrel ran so high, that the major was desired to walk out. Upon their coming into the garden, the old fellow advised his antagonist to consider the place into which one pass might drive him; but finding him grow upon him to a degree of scurrility, as believing the advice proceeded from fear; Sirrah,' says he, if a thunderbolt does not strike thee dead before I come at thee, I shall not fail to chastise thee for thy profaneness to thy Maker, and thy sauciness to his servant.' Upon this he drew his sword, and cried out with a loud voice, The sword of the Lord and of Gideon!' which so terrified his antagonist, that he was immediately disarmed, and thrown upon his knees. In this posture he begged his

Middle Temple, by the bounty of a good father,
Tom Varnish, a young gentleman of the
who was so obliging as to die, and leave him,
in his twenty-fourth year, besides a good estate,
Balance, had by this means an intimacy at his
a large sum which lay in the hands of Mr.
who read plays for their improvement in the law,
house; and, being one of those hard students
took his rules of life from thence. Upon mature
deliberation, he conceived
he, as a man of wit and pleasure of the town,
should have an intrigue with his merchant's
very proper, that
wife. He no sooner thought of this adventure,
but he began it by an amorous epistle to the
lady, and a faithful promise to wait upon her at
her husband was to be absent.
a certain hour the next evening, when he knew

communicated to the husband, and produced no
The letter was no sooner received, but it was
other effect in him, than that he joined with
his wife to raise all the mirth they could out of
this fantastical piece of gallantry. They were
so little concerned at this dangerous man of
mode, that they plotted ways to perplex him
without hurting him. Varnish comes exactly
at his hour; and the lady's well-acted confusion
at his entrance gave him opportunity to repeat
some couplets very fit for the occasion with
very much grace and spirit.
manner of making love was interrupted by an
alarm of the husband's coming; and the wife,
His theatrical
in a personated terror, beseeched him, if he
had any value for the honour of a woman that
loved him, he would jump out of the window.'

4

He did so, and fell upon feather-beds placed on | rope, which might affect some part of the allipurpose to receive him.

It is not to be conceived how great the joy of an amorous man is when he has suffered for his mistress, and is never the worse for it. Varnish the next day writ a most elegant billet, wherein he said all that imagination could form upon the occasion. He violently protested, 'going out of the window was no way terrible, but as it was going from her;' with several other kind expressions, which procured him a second assignation. Upon his second visit, he was conveyed by a faithful maid into her bed-chamber, and left there to expect the arrival of her mistress. But the wench, according to her instructions, ran in again to him, and locked the door after her to keep out her master. She had just time enough to convey the lover into a chest before she admitted the husband and his wife into the room.

ance too nearly to leave it in a capacity of adhering firmly to the interest of the whole. In all this transaction, the French king's own name has been as little made use of as possible: but the season of the year advancing too fast to admit of much longer delays in the present condition of France, Mons. Torcy, in the name of the king, sent a letter to Mons. Pettecum, wherein he says, "That the king is willing all the preliminary articles shall rest as they are during the treaty for the 37th.'

Sheer-lane, February 20.

I have been earnestly solicited for a further term, for wearing the fardingal by several of the fair sex, but more especially by the following petitioners.

The humble petition of Deborah Hark, Sarah Threadpaper, and Rachel Thimble, spinsters and single women, commonly called waitingmaids, in behalf of themselves and their sisterhood; showeth :

You may be sure that trunk was absolutely necessary to be opened; but upon her husband's ordering it, she assured him, she had taken all the care imaginable in packing up the things with her own hands, and he might send the trunk abroad as soon as he thought fit.' The That your worship has been pleased to easy husband believed his wife, and the order and command, that no person or persons good couple went to bed; Varnish having the shall presume to wear quilted petticoats, on happiness to pass the night in his mistress's forfeiture of the said petticoats, or penalty of bed-chamber without molestation. The morn-wearing ruffs, after the seventeenth instant now ing arose, but our lover was not well situated to observe her blushes; so that all we know of his sentiments on this occasion is, that he heard Balance ask for the key, and say, he would himself go with this chest, and have it opened before the captain of the ship, for the greater safety of so valuable a lading.'

The goods were hoisted away; and Mr. Balance, marching by his chest with great care and diligence, omitted nothing that might give his passenger perplexity. But, to consummate all, he delivered the chest, with strict charge, in case they were in danger of being taken, to throw it overboard, for there were letters in it, the matter of which might be of great service to the enemy.'

N. B. It is not thought advisable to proceed further in this account; Mr. Varnish being just returned from his travels, and willing to conceal the occasion of his first applying himself to the languages.

St. James's Coffee-house, February 20. This day came in a mail from Holland, with a confirmation of our late advices, that a treaty of peace would very suddenly be set on foot, and that yachts were appointed by the States to convey the ministers of France from Moerdyke to Gertruydenburgh, which is appointed for the place wherein this important negotiation is to be transacted. It is said, this affair has been in agitation ever since the close of the last campaign; Mons. Pettecum having been appointed to receive from time to time the overtures of the enemy. During the whole winter, the ministers of France have used their utmost skill in forming such answers as might amuse the allies, in hopes of a favourable event either in the north, or some other part of Eu

expired.

That your petitioners have, time out of mind, been entitled to wear their ladies' clothes, or to sell the same.

That the sale of the said clothes is spoiled by your worship's said prohibition.

"Your petitioners therefore most humbly pray, that your worship will please to allow, that all gentlewomen's gentlewomen may be allowed to wear the said dress, or to repair the loss of such a perquisite in such manner as your worship shall think fit.

And your petitioners, &c.'

I do allow the allegations of this petition to be just; and forbid all persons, but the petitioners, or those who shall purchase them, to wear the said garment after the date hereof.

DICK REPTILE and I sat this evening later than the rest of the club: and as some men are better company when only with one friend, others when there is a larger number, I found Dick to be of the former kind. He was bewailing to me, in very just terms, the offences which he frequently met with in the abuse of speech: some use ten times more words than they need; some put in words quite foreign to their purpose; and others adorn their discourses with oaths and blasphemies, by way of tropes

and figures. What my good friend started | these rascally cits-Ounds, why should not dwelt upon me after I came home this evening, and led me into an inquiry with myself, whence ehould arise such strange excrescences in discourse? whereas it must be obvious to all reasonable beings, that the sooner a man speaks his mind, the more complaisant he is to the man with whom he talks: but, upon mature deliberation, I am come to this resolution, that for one man who speaks to be understood, there are ten who talk only to be admired.

·

there be a tax to make these dogs widen their gates? Oh! but the hell-hounds move at last.' Ay,' said I, I knew you would make them whip on, if once they heard you.'No,' says he, but would it not fret a man to the devil, to pay for being carried slower than he can walk? Look ye! there is for ever a stop at this hole by St. Clement's church. Blood, you dog! Hark ye, sirrah!-Why, and be d-d to you, do not you drive over that fellow ?- -Thunder, furies, and damnation! I will cut your ears off, you fellow before there- -Come hither, you dog you, and let me wring your neck round your shoulders.' We had a repetition of the same eloquence at the Cockpit, and the turning into Palace-yard.

This gave me a perfect image of the insignificancy of the creatures who practise this enormity; and made me conclude, that it is ever want of sense makes a man guilty in this kind. It was excellently well said, that this folly had no temptation to excuse it, no man being born of a swearing constitution.' In a word, a few rumbling words and consonants clapped together without any sense, will make an accomplished swearer. It is needless to dwell long upon this blustering impertinence, which is already banished out of the society of wellbred men, and can be useful only to bullies and ill tragic writers, who would have sound and noise pass for courage and sense.

The ancient Greeks had little independent syllables called expletives, which they brought into their discourses both in verse and prose, for no other purpose but for the better grace and sound of their sentences and periods. I know no example but this, which can authorize the use of more words than are necessary. But whether it be from this freedom taken by that wise nation, or however it arises, Dick Reptile hit upon a very just and common cause of offence in the generality of people of all orders. We have one here in our lane, who speaks nothing without quoting an authority; for it is always with him, so and so, as the man said.' He asked me this morning, how I did, as the man said?' and hoped I would come now and then to see him, as the man said.' I am acquainted with another, who never delivers himself upon any subject, but he cries, he only speaks his poor judgment; this is his humble opinion; as for his part, if he might presume to offer any thing on that subject.'But of all the persons who add elegances and superfluities to their discourses, those who deserve the foremost rank are the swearers; and the lump of these may, I think, be very aptly divided into the common distinction of high and low. Dulness and barrenness of thought is the original of it in both these sects, and they differ only in constitution. The low is generally a phlegmatic, and the high a chole-figure which Shakspeare gives Harry the Fifth ric coxcomb. The man of phlegm is sensible upon his expedition against France. The poet of the emptiness of his discourse, and will tell wishes for abilities to represent so great a hero: you, that, 'I'fackins,' such a thing is true; or, if you warm him a little, he may run into passion, and cry, Odsbodikins, you do not say right.' But the high affects a sublimity in dulness, and invokes hell and damnation' at the breaking of a glass, or the slowness of a drawer. I was the other day trudging along Fleetstreet on foot, and an old army friend came up with me. We were both going towards West. minster; and, finding the streets were so crowded that we could not keep together, we resolved to club for a coach. This gentleman I knew to be the first of the order of the choleric. I must

confess, were there no crime in it, nothing could be more diverting than the impertinence of the high juror: for, whether there is remedy or not against what offends him, still he is to show he is offended; and he must, sure, not omit to be magnificently passionate, by falling on all things in his way. We were stopped by a train of coaches at Temple-bar. "What the devil' says my companion, cannot you drive on, coachman? D- -n you all, for a set of sons of whores; you will stop here to be paid by the hour! There is not such a set of confounded dogs as the coachmen unhanged! But

2 K

St. James's Coffee-house, February 22. Harwich, who left that place just as the duke There arrived a messenger last night from of Marlborough was going on board. The chathe command of his queen, and at the request racter of this important general going out by of his country, puts me in mind of that noble

Oh for a muse of fire!

Then should the warlike Harry like himself,
Assume the port of Mars, and at his heels,
Leash'd in, like hounds, should famine, sword, and fire,
Crouch for employments."

A conqueror drawn like the god of battle, with such a dreadful leash of hell-hounds at his command, makes a picture of as much majesty and terror as is to be met with in any poet.

Shakspeare understood the force of this particular allegory so well, that he had it in his thoughts in another passage, which is altogether as daring and sublime as the former. What I mean is in the tragedy of Julius Cæsar, where Antony, after having foretold the blood-shed and destruction that should be brought upoń the earth by the death of that great man, to fill up the horror of his description, adds the following verses:

And Cæsar's spirit, raging for revenge,
With Ate by his side, come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines, with a monarch's voice,
Cry havock; and let slip the dogs of war.'

I do not question but these quotations will call to mind, in my readers of learning and taste, that imaginary person described by Vir

22*

Claudentur belli portæ, Furor impius intus
Sæva sedens super arma, et centum vinctus ahenis
Post tergum nodis, fremit horridus ore cruento.
Virg. Eu. i. 298.

Janus himself before his fane shall wait,
And keep the dreadful issues of his gate,
With bolts and iron bars. Within remains
Imprisoned Fury bound in brazen chains;
High on a trophy raised of useless arms,

He sits, and threats the world with vain alarms.

ADVERTISEMENT.

Dryden.

The tickets which were delivered out for the benefit of Signor Nicolini Grimaldi on the twenty-fourth instant, will be taken on Thursday the second of March, his benefit being deferred until that day.

N. B. In all operas for the future, where it thunders and lightens in proper time, and in tune, the matter of the said lightning is to be of the finest rosin; and, for the sake of harmony, the same which is used to the best Cremona fiddles.

gil with the same spirit. He mentions it upon | tion of that pleasure run through his whole
the occasion of a peace which was restored to carriage. It is as common in life, as upon the
the Roman empire; and which we may now stage, to behold a man in the most indifferent -
hope for from the departure of that great man, action betray a sense he has of doing what he
who has given occasion to these reflections. is about gracefully. Some have such an immo-
The temple of Janus, says he, shall be shut, derate relish for applause, that they expect it
and in the midst of it military Fury shall sit for things, which in themselves are so frivolous,
upon a pile of broken arms, loaded with a hun- that it is impossible, without this affectation,
dred chains, bellowing with madness, and to make them appear worthy either of blame
grinding his teeth in blood.
or praise. There is Will Glare, so passionately
intent upon being admired, that when you see
him in public places, every muscle of his face
discovers, his thoughts are fixed upon the con-
sideration of what figure he makes. He will
often fall into a musing posture, to attract ob-
servation; and is then obtruding himself upon
the company, when he pretends to be with-
drawn from it. Such little arts are the certain
and infallible tokens of a superficial mind, as
the avoiding observation is the sign of a great
and sublime one. It is therefore extremely
difficult for a man to judge even of his own
actions, without forming to himself an idea of
what he should act, were it in his power to exe-
cute all his desires without the observation of
the rest of the world. There is an allegorical
fable in Plato, which seems to admonish us,
that we are very little acquainted with our-
the censures of others; but, had we the power
selves, while we know our actions are to pass
to accomplish all our wishes unobserved, we
should then easily inform ourselves how far we
are possessed of real and intrinsic virtue. The
who is said to have had an enchanted ring,
fable I was going to mention is that of Gyges,
which had in it a miraculous quality, making
him who wore it visible or invisible, as he
turned it to or from his body. The use Gyges
made of his occasional invisibility was, by the
advantage of it, to violate a queen, and murder
a king. Tully takes notice of this allegory,
and says very handsomely, that a man of
honour who had such a ring would act just in
the same manner as he would without it.' It is
indeed no small pitch of virtue, under the temp-
tation of impunity, and the hopes of accom-
plishing all a man desires, not to transgress the
rules of justice and virtue; but this is rather
not being an ill man, than being positively a
good one; and it seems wonderful, that so great
a soul as that of Tully should not form to him-
self a thousand worthy actions, which a virtu-
ous mind would be prompted to by the possession
of such a secret. There are certainly some
part of mankind who are guardian-beings to
the other. Sallust could say of Cato, 'That he
had rather be, than appear, good,' but, indeed,
this eulogium rose no higher than, as I just
now hinted, to an inoffensiveness, rather than
an active virtue. Had it occurred to the noble
orator to represent, in his language, the glorious
pleasures of a man secretly employed in benefi-
cence and generosity, it would certainly have
made a more charming page than any he has
left behind him. How might a man, furnished
with Gyges's secret, employ it in bringing to-
gether distant friends; laying snares for cre-
ating good-will in the room of groundless hatred;
in removing the pangs of an unjust jealousy,
the shyness of an imperfect reconciliation, and

Note also, that the true perfumed lightning is only prepared and sold by Mr. Charles Lillie, at the corner of Beaufort-buildings.

The lady who has chosen Mr. Bickerstaff for her Valentine, and is at a loss what to present him with, is desired to make him, with her own hands, a warm nightcap.

No. 138.] Saturday, February 25, 1709-10.
Secretosque pios, his dantem jura Catonem.
Virg. Æn. viii. 670.

Apart from these, the happy souls he draws,
And Cato's pious ghost dispensing laws. Dryden.

Sheer-lane, February 24.

Ir is an argument of a clear and worthy spirit in a man to be able to disengage himself from the opinions of others, so far as not to let the deference due to the sense of mankind ensnare him to act against the dictates of his own reason. But the generality of the world are so far from walking by any such maxim, that it is almost a standing rule to do as others do, or be ridiculous. I have heard my old friend, Mr. Hart, speak it as an observation among the players, that it is impossible to act with grace, except the actor has forgot that he is before an audience.' Until he is arrived at that, his motion, his air, his every step and gesture, has something in them which discovers he is under a restraint, for fear of being ill received; or if he considers himself as in the presence of those who approve his behaviour, you see an affecta

the tremor of an awful love! Such a one could but lovers, who are put into an immediate regigive confidence to bashful merit, and confusion men. Young politicians also are received with. to overbearing impudence. out fees or examination.