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SHE WOU'D AND SHE WOU'D NOT.
Enter HYPOLITA and Flora in men's habits, a Enter TraPPANTI, alone, talking to himself.
Servant with a portmanteau. INDEED, my friend Trappanti, thou’rt in a very Trap. Welcome to Madrid, sir; welcome, sir! thin condition; thou hast neither master, meat, Flo. Sir, your servant ! nor money : pot but, couldst thou part with that Ser. Have the horses pleased your honour? unappeaseable itch of eating, too, thou hast all Hyp. Very well indeed, friend. Prithee, set the ragged virtues that were requisite to set up an down the portmanteau, and see that the poor ancient philosopher: contempt and poverty, kicks, creatures want nothing: they have performed thumps, and thinking, thou hast endured with the well, and deserve our care. best of them; but—when fortune turns thee up Trap. I'll take care of that, sir. Here, ostler! to hard fasting, that is to say, positively not eat
[Ereunt TRAP. and Servant. ing at all, I perceive thou art a downright dunce, Flo. And pray, madam, what do I deserve, that with the same stomach, and no more philosophy, have lost the use of my limbs to keep pace with than a hound upon horse-flesh-Fasting's the you? 'Sheart! you whipped and spurred like a foxdevil!--Let me see—this, I take it, is the most hunter: its a sign you had a lover in view : I'm frequented inn about Madrid, and if a keen guest sure my shoulders ache as if I had carried my or two should drop in now—Hark!
horse on them. Host. (Within. Take care of the gentlemen's Hyp. Poor Flora ! thou art fatigued indeed ! horses there; see them well rubbed and littered. but I shall find a way to thank thee for't.
Trap. Just alighted! if they do but stay to eat Flo. Thank me, quotha! Egad, I shan't be now! Impudence assist me.' Ha! a couple of able to sit this fortnight. Well, I'm glad our pretty young sparks, faith!
journey's at an end, however; and now, madam, Vol. II.
pray, what do you propose will be the end of Flo. Well said again! that was a clincher. our journey ?
Ah, had not you better been at confession? Hyp. Why, now, I hope the end of my wishes Hyp. Why, really, I might have saved a long -Don Philip, I need not tell you how far he is journey by it. To be short, when I came from in my heart.
church, Don Philip had left this letter at home Flo. No, your sweet usage of him told me that for me, without requiring an answer- -Read long enough ago; but now, it seems, you think itfit to confess it: and what is it you love him for, Flo. [Reads.] 'Your usage has made me just
ly despair of you, and now, any change must Hyp. His manner of bearing that usage. better my condition; at least, it has reduced
Flo. Ah, dear pride! how we love to have it me to the necessity of trying the last remedy, tickled! But he does not bear it, you see, for marriage with another; if it prove ineffectual, he's coming post to Madrid to marry another I only wish you may, at some hours, remember woman; nay, one he never saw.
' how little cause I have given you to have made Hyp. An unknown face cannot have very farme for ever miserable. engaged him.
Philip.' Flo. How came he to be engaged to her at Poor gentleman! very hard, by my conscience ! all ?
Indeed, madam, this was carrying the jest a little Hyp. Why, I engaged him.
too far, Flo. To another!
Hyp. Ab, by many a long mile, Flora ; but Hup. To my whole sex, rather than own I lo- what would you have a woman do, when her ved him.
hand's in? Flo. Ab, done like a woman of courage ! Flo. Nay, the truth of it is, we never know Hyp. I could not bear the thought of parting the difference between enough and a surfeit; with my power; besides, he took me at such an but, love be praised, your proud stomach's come advantage, and pressed me so home to a surrend-down for it. er, I could have torn him piece-meal.
Hyp. Indeed, it is not altogether so high as Flo. Ay, I warrant you, an insolent-agreea- it was. In a word, his last letter set me at my ble puppy. Well, but to leave impertinence, ma- wit's end; and when I came to myself, you may dam, pray how came you to squabble with him? remember you thought me bewitched; for I im
Hyp. I'll tell thee, Flora : you know Don Phi- mediately called for my boots and breeches, ą lip wants no charms that can recommend a lo- straddle we got, and so rode after him. ver; in birth and quality, I confess him my supe- Flo. Why, truly, madam, as to your wits, I have rior; and it is the thought of that has been a not much altered my opinion for them, for I constant thorn upon my wishes. I never saw cannot see what you propose by it. him in the humblest posture, but still I fancied Hyp. My whole design, Flora, lies in this porthe secretly presumed his rank and fortune might manteau, and these breeches. deserve me. This always stung my pride, and Flo. Á notable design, no doubt! but, pray, made me overact it: nay, sometimes, when his let's hear it. sufferings have almost drawn tears into my eyes, Hyp. Why, I do propose to be twice married I have turned the subject with some trivial talk, between them. or hummed a spiteful tune, though I believe his Flo. How ! twice? heart was breaking:
Hyp. By the help of the portmanteau, I intend Flo. A very tender principle, truly !
to marry myself to Don Philip's. new mistress; Hyp. Well, I don't know, it was in my nature. and then- -I'll put off my breeches, and marry But to proceed—this, and worse usage, continued him. a long time; at last, despairing of my heart, he Flo. Now, I begin to take ye: but, pray, then resolved to do a violence on his own, by what's in the portmanteau, and how came you consenting to his father's commands of marrying by it? a lady of considerable fortune here in Madrid. - Hyp. I hired one to steal it from his servant The match is concluded, articles are sealed, and at the last inn we lay at in Toledo. In it are the day is fixed for his journey. Now, the night jewels of value, presents to my bride, gold good before he set out, he came to take his leave of store, settlements, and credential letters, to cerme, in hopes, I suppose, I would have staid him. tify, that the bearer (which I intend to be myI need not tell you my confusion at the news; self) is Don Philip, only son and heir of Don and though I could have given my soul to have Fernando de las Torres, now residing at Seville, deferred it, yet, finding him, unless I bade him whence we came. stay, resolved upon the marriage, I (from the Flo. A very smart undertaking, by my troth! pure spirit of contradiction) swore to myself I And, pray, madam, what part am I to act ? would not bid him do it; so called for my veil, Hyp. My woman still; when I cannot lie for and told him I wa, in haste, begged bis pardon, myself, you are to do it for me, in the person of your servant, and so whipped to prayers. a cousin-german,
Flo. And my name is to be
sir; why, they'll let you starve if you don't stir Hyp. Don Guzman, Diego, Mendez, or what and call, and that like thunder, too Hey! you please : be your own goodfather.
[Knocks. Flo. 'Egad, I begin to like it mightily! this Hyp. Ha ! you eat here sometimes, I presume, may prove a very pleasant adventure, if we can sir? but come off without fighting, which, by the way, Trap. Umph! Aye, sir, that's as it happensI don't easily perceive we shall; for, to be sure, I seldom eat at home, indeed-things are geneDon Philip will make the devil to do with us nerally, you know, so out of order there, that-when be finds himself here before he come h Did you hear any fresh news upon the road, sir? ther.
Hyp. Only, sir, that the king of France lost a Hyp. Oh, let me alone to give him satisfac- great horse-match upon the Alps t'other day. tion.
Trup. Ha! a very odd place for a horse-race Flo. I'm afraid it must be alone, if you do give - but the king of France may do any thing--did him satisfaction ; for my part, í can push no you come that way, gentlemen? or-Hey? more than I can swim.
(Knocks. Hyp. But can you bully upon occasion ? Fio. I can scold, when my blood's
Enter Host. up Hyp. That's the same thing: bullying would Host. Did you call, gentlemen? be scolding in petticoats.
Trap. Yes, and bawl, too, sir. Here, the genFlo. Say ye so? Why, then, Don, look to your- tlemen are almost famished, and nobody comes self; if I don't give you as good as you bring, near them. What have you in the house, now, I'll be content to wear breeches as long as I live, that will be ready presently? though I lose the end of my sex by it. Well, Host. You may have what yoy please, sir. madam, now you have opened the plot, pray, Hyp. Can you give us a partridge ? 'when is the play to begin?
Host. Sir, we have no partridges; but we'll Hyp. I hope to have it all over 'in less than get you what you please in a moment. We have four hours : we'll just refresh ourselves with a very good neck of mutton, sir; if you please, it what the house affords, comb out our wigs, and shall be clapped down in a moment. wait upon my father-in-law-How now! what Hyp. Have you no pigeons or chickens ? would this fellow have?-
Host. Truly, sir, we have no fowl in the house
at present; if you please, you may have any thing Enter TRAPPANTI.
else in a moment.
Hyp. Then, prithee, get us some young rabTrap. Servant, gentlemen ; I have taken nice bits. care of your nags; good cattle they are, by my Host. Upon my word, sir, rabbits are so scarce, troth! right and sound, I warrant them; they they are not to be had for money. deserve care, and they have had it, and shall Flo. Have you any fish? have it, if they stay in this house. I always Host. Fish, sir! I drest yesterday the finest stand by, sir ; see thein rubbed down with my own dish that ever came upon a table; I am sorry eyes- -Catch me trusting an ostler—I'll give we have none left, sir; but if you please, you you leave to fill for me, and drink for me, too. may have any thing else in a moment. Flo. I have seen this fellow somewhere.
I'rap. Pox on thee! hast thou nothing but Trap. Hey-day! what, no cloth laid? was any thing else in the house? ever such attendance! Hey, house! tapster ! Host. Very good mutton, sir. landlord! hey! (Knocks.] What was it you be- Hyp. Prithee get us a breast, then. spoke, gentleinen?
Host. Breast! don't you love the neck, sir? Hyp. Really, sir, I ask your pardon; I have al- Hyp. Have ye nothing in the house but the most forgot you.
neck? Trap. Pshaw! dear sir, never talk of it; I Host. Really, sir, we don't use to be so unprolive here hard by—I have a lodging I cannot vided; but at present we have nothing else left. call it a lodging, neither—that is, I have a Trap. Faith, sir, I don't know but a nothing Sometimes I am here, and sometimes I am else may be very good meat, when any thing else there; and so, here and there, one makes shift, is not to be had. you know. Hey! will these people never come? Hyp. Then, prithee, friend, let's have thy neck
[Knocks. of mutton before that is gone, too. Hyp. You give a very good account of your- Trap. Sir, he shall lay it down this minute; self, sir.
I'll see it done, gentlemen; I'll wait upon ye preTrap. Oh, nothing at all, sir. Lord, sir—was sently; for a minute I must beg your pardon, it fish or flesh, sir?
and leave to lay the cloth myself. Flo. Really, sir, we have bespoke nothing yet. Hyp. By no ineans, sir.
Trap. Nothing! for shame! it's a sign you Trap. No ceremony, dear sir! Indeed I'll do are young travellers. You don't know this house, it
[Exeunt Host and TRAPPANTI.
Hyp. What can this familiar puppy be ?
Enter Host. Flo. With much ado, I have recollected his face. Don't you remember, madam, about two Come, fill out-hold—let me taste it first-Ye or three years ago, Don Philip had a trusty ser- blockhead, would ye have the gentleman drink vant, called Trappanti
, that used now and then before he knows whether it be good or not? to slip a note into your hand as you came from (Drinks.] Yes, 'twill do—Give me the bottle, I'll church?
hill myself. Now,sir, is not that a glass of right wine? Hyp. Is this he, that Philip turned away for Hyp. Extremely good, indeedBut, sir, as saying I was as proud as a beauty, and homely to my question. enough to be good humoured?
Trap. I'm afraid, sir, that mutton won't be Flo. The very same I assure ye; only, as you enough for us all. see, starving has altered his air a little.
Hyp. Oh, pray sir, bespeak what you please. Hyp. Poor fellow! I am concerned for him. Trap. Sir, your most bumble servant- Here, What makes him so far from Seville ?
master! prithee, get us a-ha! ay, get us a Flo. I am afraid all places are alike to him.' dozen of poached eggs—a dozen, dy'e hear-just Hyp. I have a great mind to take him into my
-pop down a little. service; his assurance may be useful, as my case Host. Yes, sir.
Trap. Friend -let there be a little slice of Flo. You would not tell him who you are? bacon to every one of them. Hyp. There's no occasion for it -I'll talk Hyp. But, sirwith him.
Trap. 'Odso! I had like to have forgot
here a-Sancho, Sancho ! Ay, is not your name Enter TRAPPANTI.
Host. Diego, sir. Trap. Your dinner's upon the spit, gentlemen, Trap. Oh, ay, Diego; that's true, indeed, and the cloth is laid in the best room-Are you Diego. Umph! not for a whet, sir? What wine? what wine? Hyp. I must e'en let him alone; there's no hey!
putting in a word till his mouth's full. Flo. We give you trouble, sir.
Trap. Come, here's to thee, Diego-Drinks Trap. Not in the least, sir-Hey! [Knocks. and fills again.] That I should forget thy name,
though. Enter Host.
Host. No great harm, sir.
Trap. Diego, ha! a very pretty name, faith Host. D'ye call, gentlemen ?
-I think you are married, are you not, Diego? Hyp. Ay; what wine have ye?
Host. Ay, ay, sir. Host. What sort you please, sir.
Trap. Ha ! how many children? Flo. Sir, will you please to name it?
Host. Nine girls and a boy, sir.
[To TRAP. Trap. Ha! nine girls-Come, here's to thee Trap. Nay, pray, sir !
again, Diegom-Nine girls! a stirring woman, Hyp. No ceremony, dear sir! upon my word I dare say, a good housewife, ha, Diego?
Host. Pretty well, sir. Trap. Upon my soul you'll make me leave ye, Trap. Makes all her pickles herself, I warrant gentlemen.
ye---Does she do olives well? Hyp. Come, come, no words; prithee, you Host. Will you be pleased to taste them, sir? shall.
Trap. Taste them ! hum! prithee, let's have a Trap. Psha! but why this among friends, now? plate, Diego. Here-have ye any right Galicia ?"
Host. Yes, sir. Host. The best in Spain, I warrant it.
Hyp. And our dinner as soon as you please, Trap. Let's taste it; if it be good, set us out sir : when it's ready, call us. half a dozen bottles for dinner.
Host. Yes, sir.
[Exit Host. Host. Yes, sir.
[Erit Host. Hyp. But, sir, I was asking you of your proFlo. Who says this fellow's a starving now? | fession. On my conscience, the rogue has more impudence Trap. Profession! really, sir, I don't use to than a lover at midnight.
profess much: I am a plain-dealing sort of a Hyp. Hang him, 'tis inoffensive; I'll humour man: if I say I'll serve a gentleman, he may dehim -Pray, sir, (for I find we are like to be pend upon me. better acquainted, therefore, I hope you won't Flo. Have you ever served, sir? take my question ill)
Trap. Not these two last campaigns. Trap. Oh, dear sir !
Hyp. How so? Hyp. What profession may you be of? Trap. Some words with my superior officer ; I Trap. Profession, sir-I-I—'Ods me? here's was a little too free in speaking my mind to him. wine.
Hyp. Don't you think of serving again, sir?
Trap. If a good post fall in my way.
Hyp. Ha! dy'e think she loved him? Hyp. I believe I could help you—Pray, sir, Trap. If she did, 'twas as the cobler loved bis , when you served last, did you take pay or wages?
wife. Trap. Pay, sir ! Yes, sir, I was paid, clear- Hyp. How's that? ed, subsistence and arrears, to a farthing.
Trap. Why, he beat her thrice a-day, and told Hyp. And
late commander's name was- his neighbours he loved her ne'er the worse, but Trap. Don Philip de las Torres.
he was resolved she should never know it. Hyp. Of Seville
Hyp. Did she use him so very ill ?
Trap. Like a jade.
[To HYP. need not be curious, for I am sure you don't Hyp. I don't know—methinks, I–But sure; know me, though I do you, and your condition, what, was she not handsome, say ye? which, I dare promise you, I'll mend upon our bet- Trap. A devilish tongue. ter acquaintance: and your first step to deserve Hyp. Was she ugly? it is to answer me honestly to a few questions. Flo. Ay, say that at your peril. Aside. Keep your assurance still; it may do me service; Hyp. What was she? how did she look? I shall like you better for it. Come, here's to Trap. Look! why, faith, the woman looked encourage you.
[Gives him money.
very well when she had a blush in her face. Trap. Sir, my humble service to you.
Hyp. Did she often blush? Hyp. Well said.
Trap. I never saw her. Flo. Nay, I'll pass my word he sha'n't dwịndle Hyp. Never saw her! had she no charm? what into modesty.
made him love her? Trap. I never heard a'gentleman talk better in Trap. Really, I can't tell. my life. I have seen such sort of a face before; Flo. How d’ye like the picture, madam? but where I don't know, nor I don't care.
Aside. It's your glass, sir.
Hyp. Oh, oh, extremely well! the rogue has Hyp. Grammercy! here, cousin. [Drinks to put me into a cold sweat. I am as humble as an Flora.] Come now, what made Don Philip turn offending lover. you out of his service? why did you leave him?
Enter Host. Trap. 'Twas time, I think; his wits had left him—the man was mad.
Host. Gentlemen, your dinner's upon the table. Hyp. Mad!
(Exit Host. Trap. Ay, stark mad- -in love.
Hyp. That's well. Come, sir; at dinner I'll Hyp. In love ! how, pray?
give you farther instructions how you may serve Trap. Very deep-up to the ears—over head yourself and me. -drowned by this time-he would in-I Trap. Come, sir.
[To Flora. would have had him stopped when he was up to Flo. Nay, dear sir ! no ceremony. the middle.
Trap. Sir, your very humble servant. Hyp. What was she he was in love with?
[As they are going, HYP. stops them. Trap. The devil.
Hyp. Come back; here's one I don't care Hyp. So, now for a very ugly likeness of my should see me. own face. [Aside.) What sort of a devil ?
Trap. Sir, the dinner will be cold. Trap. The damning sort a woman.
Hyp. Do you eat it hot, then; we are not Hyp. Had she no name?
hungry. Trap. Her Christian name was Donna Hypo- Trap. Sir, your very humble servant again. lita, but her proper name was Shittlecock.
[Erit Trap Flo. How dy'e like that? [Aside to Hyp. Flo. You seem concerned; who is it?
Hyp. Pretty well. (Aside to F'lo. Was she Hyp. My brother Octavio, as I live!--Come handsome?
[They retire, Trap. Umph
-So, so. Flo. How dy'e like that?
Enter OCTAVIO and a Servant. Hyp. Umph-30, so. (To Flo.] Had she Oct. Jasper, run immediately to Rosara's wowit ?
man; tell her I am just come to town; slip that Trap. Sometimes.
note into her hand, and stay for an answer. Hyp. Good humour ?
Flo. 'Tis he!
Re-enter Host, conducting Don Philip. Trap. Ever.
Host. Here, sir, please to walk this way. Hyp. Was she honest?
Flo. And Don Philip, by Jupiter! Trap. Very proud.
D. Phi. When my servant comes, send him to Hyp. What, had she no good qualities? me immediately. Trap. Faith, I don't remeinber them.
Host. Yes, sir. 2