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THE WAY TO WIN HIM.
WOMEN OLD MIRABELL, an aged gentleman, of an odd Oriana, a lady contracted to MIRABELL, the
compound, between the peevishness incident to would bring him to reason. his years, and his fatherly fondness towards his BISARRE, a whimsical lady, friend to ORIANA,
admired by DU RETETE. Young MIRABELL, his son, the Inconstant. LAMORCE, a woman of contrivance. CAPTAIN DURETETE, an honest good-natured Four Bravoes, two Gentlemen, and two Ladies,
fellow, that thinks himself a greater fool than Soldiers, Servants, and Attendants.
he is. DUGARD, brother to Oriana. Petit, servant to DUGARD, afterwards to his
SCENE I.-The Street.
Pet. And I four. Enter DUGARD, and his man Petit, in riding miliarity! When abroad, you had some freedom
Dug. How now, sir, at your old travelling fahabits.
for want of better company; but among my Dug. SIRRAH, What's a clock?
friends at Paris, pray remember your distance Pet. Turned of eleven, sir.
Begone, sir! (Erit Petit.] This fellow's wit was Dug. No more! We have rid a swinging pace necessary abroad, but he's too cunning for a dofrom Nemours, since two this morning! Petit, mestic; I must dispose of him some way else. run to Rousseau's, and bespeak a dinner at a Who's here? Old Mirabell, and my sister! my louis-d'or a-head, to be ready by one.
dearest sister! Pet. How many will there be of you, sir? Dug. Let me see; Mirabell one, Duretete
Enter OLD MIRABELL and ORIANA. two, myself, three
Ori. My brother! Welcome.
Dug. Monsieur Mirabell ! I'm heartily glad to strong as Hercules, life and spirit in abundance. see you.
Before Gad, I don't wonder at these men of quaOld Mir. Honest Mr Dugard ! by the blood of lity, that their own wives can't serve them. A the Mirabells, I'm your most humble servant. Louis-d'or a head ! 'Tis enough to stock the
Dug. Why, sir, you've cast your skin, sure; whole nation with bastards, 'tis faith. Mr Dugard, you're brisk and gay; lusty health about you; no I leave you with your sister. [Erit Old Min. sign of age but your silver hairs.
Dug. Well, sister, I need not ask you how you Old Mir. Silver hairs ! Then, they are quick- do, your looks resolve me; fair, tall, well-shaped; silver hairs, sir. Whilst I have golden pockets, you're almost grown out of my remembrance. let my hairs be silver an they will. Adsbud, sir, Ori. Why, truly, brother, I look pretty well, I can dance, and sing, and drink, and --no, I thank nature and my toilet; I have 'scaped the can't wench. But, Mr Dugard, no news of my jaundice, green-sickness, and the small-pox; I son Bob in all your travels ?
eat three meals a day, am very merry, when up, Dug. Your son's come home, sir.
and sleep soundly, when I'm down. Old Mir. Come home! Bob come home! By Dug. But, sister, you remember, that upon my the blood of the Mirabells, Mr Dugard, what say ye? going abroad, you would chuse this old gentleOri. Mr Mirabell returned, sir !
man for your guardian; he's no more related to Dug: He's certainly come, and you may see
our family, than Prester John, and I have no reahim within this hour or two.
son to think you mistrusted my management of Old Mir. Swear it, Mr Dugard; presently your fortune: therefore, pray be so kind as to swear it.
tell me, without reservation, the true cause of Dug. Sir, he came to town with me this morn-making such a choice? ing; I left him at the Bagnieurs, being a little Ori. Look'e, brother, you were going a rambdisordered after riding, and I shall see him again ling, and 'twas proper, lest I should go a rambpresently.
ling too, that somebody should take care of me. Old Mir. What! And he was ashamed to ask Old monsieur Mirabell is an honest gentleman, a blessing with his boots on? A nice dog! Well, was our father's friend, and has a young lady in and how fares the young rogue, ha?
his house, whose company I like, and who has Duy. A fine gentleman, sir." He'll be his own chosen him for her guardian, as well as I.
Dug. Who, mademoiselle Bisarre? old Mir. A fine gentleman! But is the rogue without scandal or reproach; we make much of
Ori. The same; we live merrily together, like me, still?
Dug. Why, yes, sir; he's very like his mo- the old gentleman between us, and he takes care ther, and as like you as most modern sons are to of us; we eat what we like; go to bed, when we their fathers.
please; rise, when we will; all the week we Old Mir. Why, sir, don't you think that I be- dance and sing, and, upon Sundays, go first to gat him?
church, and then to the play. Now, brother, Dug: Why, yes, sir; you married his mother, besides these motives for chusing this gentleman and he inherits your estate. He's very like you, for my guardian, perhaps I had some private reaupon my word.
Ori. And pray, brother, what's become of his Dug. Not so private as you imagine, sister; honest companion, Duretete?
your love to young Mirabell's no secret, I can Dug. Who, the captain? the very same, he assure you, but so public, that all your friends went abroad; he's the only Frenchman I ever are ashamed on't. knew, that could not change. Your son, Mr Mi- Ori. O' my word, then, my friends are very rabell, is more obliged to nature for that fellow's bashful; thongh I'm afraid, sir, that those peocomposition, than for his own: for he's inore ple are not ashamed enough at their own crimes, happy in Duretete's folly, than his own wit. In who have so many blushes to spare for the faults short, they are as inseparable as finger and of their neighhours. thumb; but the first instance in the world, I be- Dug. Aye, but, sister, the people saylieve, of opposition in friendship.
Ori. Pshaw, hang the people! they'll talk Old Mir. Very well; will he be home to din- treason, and prophane their Maker; must we, ner, think ye?
therefore, infer, that our king is a tyrant, and reDug. Sír, he has ordered me to bespeak a din-ligion a cheat? Look'e, brother, their court of Der for us at Rousseau's, at a Louis-d'or a head. enquiry is a tavern, and their informer, claret :
Old Mir. A Louis-d'or a head! well said, they think as they drink, and swallow reputaBob; by the blood of the Mirabells, Bob's iin- tions like loches ; ' a lady's health goes briskly proved. But, Mr Dugard, was it so civil of Bob round with the glass, but her honour is lost in the to visit Monsieur Rousseau before his own natural toast. father? Eh ! harkee, Oriana, what think you, Dug. Aye, but, sister, there is still somenow, of a fellow, that can eat and drink ye a thingwhole Louis-d'or at a sitting? He must be as Ori. If there be something, brother, 'tis none Vol. II.
of the people's something; marriage is my thing, here's ten guineas for thee; get thyself a drugget and I'll stick to't.
suit, and a puff wig, and so I dub thee gentleDug. Marriage Young Mirabell marry! man-usher. Sister, I must put myself in repair ; He'll build churches sooner. Take heed, sister, you may expect me in the evening-wait on your though your honour stood proof to his home- lady home, Petit. bred assaults: you must keep a stricter guard
[Exit DugarD. for the future: he has now got the foreign air, Pet. A chair, a chair, a chair ! and the Italian softness; his wit's improved by Ori. No, no; I'll walk home, 'tis but next converse; his behaviour finished by observation; door. and his assurance confirmed by success. Sister,
[Ereunt. I can assure you, he has made his conquests; and 'tis a plague upon your sex, to be the soonest SCENE II.-A tavern, discovering young Mideceived by those very men, that you know have
RABELL and DURETETE rising from table. been false to others.
Ori. Then why will you tell me of his con- Mir. Welcome to Paris once more, my dear .quests ? for, I must confess, there is no title to a captain; we have eat heartily, drank roundly, woman's favour so engaging as the repute of a paid plentifully, and let it go for once. I liked handsome dissimulation, there is something, of every thing but our women, they looked so lean a pride to see a fellow lie at our feet, that has and tawdry, poor creatures ! 'tis a sure sign the triumphed over so many; and then, I don't army is not paid. Give me the plump Venetian, know, we fancy he must have something extraor- brisk and sanguine, that smiles upon me like the dinary about him to please us, and that we have glowing sun, and meets my lips like sparkling something engaging about us to secure him; so wine, her person shiping as the glass, and spirit we can't be quiet till we put ourselves upon the like the foaming liquor. lay of being both disappointed.
Dur. Ah, Mirabell! Italy I grant you ; but for Dug. But then, sister, he's as fickle
our women here in France, they are such thin Ori. For God's sake, brother, tell me no more brawn-fallen jades, a man may as well make a of his faults; for, if you do, I shall run mad for bed-fellow of a cane chair. him: say no more, sir; let me but get him into Mir. France ! A light unseasoned country, the bands of matrimony, I'll spoil his wandering, nothing but feathers, foppery, and fashions; I warrant him; I'll do his business that way, ne- we're fine indeed, so are our coach-horses: men ver fear.
say we're courtiers; men abuse us; that we are Dug: Well, sister, I won't pretend to under-wise and politic, non credo seigneur : that our stand the engagements between you and your women have wit; parrots, mere parrots. Assulover; I expect, when you have need of my rance and a good memory sets them up: there's counsel or assistance, you will let me know more nothing on this side the Alps worth my humble of your affairs. Mirabell is a gentleman, and, as service t'ye-Ha, Poma la Santa! Italy for my far as my honour and interest can reach, you money; their custoins, gardens, buildings, paintmay command me to the furtherance of your ings, music, policies, wine and women! the parahappiness : in the mean time, sister, I have a dise of the world; not pestered with a parcel of great mind to make you a present of another precise, old gouty fellows, that would de bar their humble servant; a fellow, that I took up at Ly- children every pleasure, that they themselves are ons, who has served me honestly ever since. past the sense of : commend me to the Italian
Ori. Then, why will you part with him? familiarity : Here, son, there's fifty crowns, go pay
Dug. He has gained so insufferably on my your whore her week's allowance. good humour, that he's grown too familiar; but Dur. Aye, these are your fathers for you, that the fellow's cunning, and may be serviceable to understand the necessities of young men; not you in your affair with Mirabell. Here he like our musty dads, who, because they cannot
fish themselves, would muddy the water, and
spoil the sport of them that can. But now you Enter Petit.
talk of the plump, what d'ye think of a Dutch
woman? Well, sir, have you been at Rousseau's?
Mir. A Dutch woman's too compact; nay, Pet. Yes, sir; and who should I find there, every thing among them is so. A Dutch man is but Mr Mirabell and the captain, hatching as thick; a Dutch woman is squab; a Dutch horse warmly over a tub of ice, as two hen-pheasants is round; a Dutch dog is short; a Dutch ship is over a brood—they would not let me bespeak broad-bottomed: and, in short, one would swear any thing, for they had dined before I came. the whole product of the country were east in
Dug: Come, sir, you shall serve my sister; 1 the same mould with their cheeses. shall still continue kind to you; and, if your la- Dur. Aye, but, Mirabell, you have forgot the dy recommends your diligence upon trial, i'll use English ladies. my interest to advance you; you have sense Mir. The women of England were excellent, enough to expect preferment.' Here, sirrah, did they not take such insufferable pains to ruin
what nature has made so incomparably well ;
Enter Old MIRABELL. they would be delicate creatures, indeed, could they but thoroughly arrive at the French mien, Old Mir. Where's Bob? dear Bob ! or entirely let it alone; for they only spoil a very Mir. Yoar blessing, sir. good air of their own, by an awkward imitation Old Mir. My blessing! damn ye, ye young of ours; their parliaments, and our tailors, give rogue ! why did ye not come to see your father laws to the three kingdoms. But come, Du- first, sirrah? my dear boy, I am heartily glad to retete, let us mind the business in hand; mis- see thee, my dear child, faith-captain Duretete, tresses we must have, and must take up with the by the blood of the Mirabells, I'm your's; well, manufacture of the place, and, upon a compe- my lads, ye look bravely, faith. Bob, hast got tent diligence, we shall find those in Paris shall any money left? match the Italians from top to toe.
Mir. Not a farthing, sir. Dur. Aye, Mirabell, you will do well enough, Old Mir. Why, then I won't gi' thee a souse. but what will become of your friend? you
know Mir. I did but jest, here's ten pistoles. I am so plaguy bashful, so naturally an ass upon Old Mir. Why, then here's ten more; I love these occasions, that
to be charitable to those, that don't want it: Mir. Pshaw! you inust be bolder, man : travel well, and how d’ye like Italy, my boy? three years, and bring home such a baby as bash- Mir. Oh, the garden of the world, sir; Rome, fulness! a great lusty fellow! and a soldier! fy Naples, Venice, Milan, and a thousand others
all fine. Dur, Look'e, sir, I can visit, and I can ogle a Old Mir. Aye, say you sol and, they say, that little—as thus, or thus, now. Then, I can kiss Chiari is very fine, too. abundantly, and make a shift to--but if they Dur. Indifferent, sir, very indifferent; a very chance to give me a forbidding look, as some wo scurvy air, the most unwholesome to a French men, you know, have a devilish cast with their constitution in the world. eyes or if they cry-what d'ye mean? what Mir, Pshaw, nothing on't; these rascally Gad'ye take me for? fye, sir, remember who I am, zeteers have inisinformed you. sir-a person of quality to be used at this rate! Old Mir. Misinformed me! Oons, sir, were 'egad, I'm struck as flat as a frying-pan!
not wc beaten there? Mir. Words o' course! never mind them : turn Mir. Beaten, sir ! the French beaten! you about upon your heel with a jantée air; hum Old Mir. Why, how was it, pray, sweet sir? out the end of an old song; cut a cross caper, Mir. Sir, the captain will tell you. and at her again,
Dur. No, sir, your son will tell you. Dur. [Imitates him.] No, hang it, 'twill ne- Mir. The captain was in the action, sir. ver do. Dons, what did my father mean by stick- Dur. Your son saw more than I, sir, for he ing me up in an university? or to think that I was a looker on. should gain any thing by my head in a nation, Old Mir. Confound you both, for a brace of whose genius lies all in their heels! well, if ever cowards ! here are no Germans to over-hear I come to have children of my own, they shall you : why don't ye tell me how it was ? have the education of the country; they shall Mir. Why, then, you must know, that we learn to dance before they can walk, and be marched up a body of the finest, bravest, welltaught to sing before they can speak.
dressed fellows in the universe ; our commanders Mir. Come, come, throw off that childish hu- at the head of us, all lace and feather, like so mour; put on assurance, there's no avoiding it; many beaux at a ball—I don't believe there was stand all hazards, thou'rt a stout lusty fellow, and a man of them but could dance a charmer, morhast a good estate; look bluff, hector, you have a bleau. good side-box face, a pretty impudent face; so, Old Mir. Dance! very well, pretty fellows, that's pretty well. This fellow went abroad like faith! an ox, and is returned like an ass.
Mir. We capered up to their very trenches,
[Aside. and there' saw peeping over a parcel of scareDur. Let me see now, how I look. Pulls crow, olive-coloured gun-powder fellows, as ugout a pocket-glass, and looks in it.}-A side-box ly as the devil. face, say you! 'egad, I don't like it, Mirabell. Dur. 'Egad, I shall never forget the looks of Fy, sir, don't abuse your friends; I could not them, while I have breath to fetch. wear such a face for the best countess in Chris- Mir. They were so civil, indeed, as to weltendom.
come us with their cannon; but, for the rest, we Mir. Why can't you, blockhead, as well as I found them such unmannerly, rude, unsociable
Dur. Why, thou hast impudence to set a good dogs, that we grew tired of their company, and face upon any thing; I would change half my so we e'en danced back again. gold for half thy brass, with all my heart. Who Old Mir. And did ye all come back? comes here? Odso, Mirabell, your father! Mir. No, two or three thousand of us staid
Old Mir. Why, Bob, why?
Mir. Bravely said, father! Mir. Pshaw—because they could not come that night. But come, sir, we were talking of Let misers bend their age with niggard cares, something else; pray, how does your lovely and starve themselves to pamper hungry heirs ; charge, the fair Oriana ?
Who, living, stint their sons what youth may Old Mir. Ripe, sir, just ripe : you'll find it crave, better engaging with her than with the Gernians, And make them revel o'er a father's grave. let me tell you. And what would you say, my The stock on which I grew does still dispense young Mars, if I had a Venus for thee, too? Its genial sap into the blooming branch; Come, Bob, your apartment is ready, and pray The fruit, he knows, from his own root is grown, let your friend be my guest, too; you shall com- And, therefore, sooths those passions once his mand the house between ye, and I'll be as merry as the best of you.
SCENE I.-OLD MIRABELL's house, I would soon throw the contract out of doors;
but the mischief on't is, I am so fond of being Enter ORIANA and BISARRE.
tied, that I am forced to be just, and the strength Bis. And you love this young rake, d'ye? of my passion keeps down the inclination of my Ori. Yes.
sex. But here's the old gentleman. Bis. In spite of all his ill usage? Ori. I can't help it.
Enter Olp MIRABELL. Bis. What's the matter with ye?
Old Mir. Where's my wenches? where's my Ori. Pshaw!
two little girls ? Eh? Have a care, look to yourBis, Um! before that any young, lying, swear- selves; faith, they're a coming, the travellers are ing, flattering, rakehelly fellow should play such a coming.. Well, which of you two will be my tricks with me, I would wear my teeth to the daughter-in-law, now? Bisarre, Bisarre, what say stumps with lime and chalk. O, the devil take you, mad-cap? Mirabell is a pure wild fellow. all your Cassandras and Cleopatras for me ! Bis. I like him the worse. Prithee, mind your airs, modes, and fashions ; Old Mir. You lie, hussey, you like him the your stays, gowns, and furbelows. Hark'e, my better, indeed you do: What say you, my t'other dear, have you got home your furbelowed smocks little filbert? eh? yet?
Ori. I suppose the gentleman will chuse for Ori. Prithee, be quiet, Bisarre; you know I bimself, sir. can be as mad as you, when this Mirabell is out Old Mir. Why, that's discreetly said; and so of my head.
he shall. Bis. Pshaw! would he were out, or in, or some way, to make you easy. I warrant, now, Enter Mirabell and DURETETE. They salute you'll play the fool, when he comes, and say you
the ladies. love him; eh!
Ori. Most certainly—I can't dissemble, Bi- Hark'e, Bob, you shall marry one of these girls, sarre: besides, 'tis past that, we're contracted. sirrah,
Bis. Contracted! alack-a-day, poor thing ! Mir. Sir, l'il marry them both, if you please. What, have you changed rings, or broken an old Bis. [Aside.] He'll find that one may serve broad-piece between you ! Hark'e, child, han't his turn. you broke something else between ye?
Old Mir. Both! Why, you young dog, d'ye Ori. No, no, I can assure you.
banter me? Come, sir, take your choice. DuBis. Then, what d’ye whine for? Whilst I retete, you shall have your choice, too; but Rokept that in my power, I would make a fool of bin shall chuse first. Come, sir, begin. any fellow in France. Well, I must confess, I Mir. Well, I an't the first son, that has made do love a little coquetting with all my heart! my his father's dwelling a bawdy house-let me see. business should be to break gold with my lover Old Mir. Well! which d'ye like? one hour, and crack my promise the next; he Mir. Both, should find me one day with a prayer-bouk in Old Mir. But which will you marry? my hand, and with a play-book another. He Mir. Neither. should have my consent to buy the wedding- Old Mir. Neither! Don't make me angry ring, and the next moment would I laugh in his now, Bob; pray don't make me angry. Look'e, face.
sirrah, if I don't dance at your wedding to-morOri. O, my dear! were there no greater tie row, I shall be very glad to cry at your grave. upon jy heart, than there is upon my conscience, Mir. That's a bull, father,