We do not act, that often jest and laugh; 2 Serv. Pray heaven, it be not full of the knight again. EVANS. Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again?-Set down the basket, villain; somebody call my wife:-You, youth in a basket, come out here!-0, you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil be shamed. What! wife, I say! come, come forth; behold, what honest clothes you send forth to the bleaching! Page. Why, this passes! Master Ford, you are not Ford. So say I too, sir.-Come hither, mistress Ford; Page. This passes! Ford. Empty the basket, I say! Mrs Ford. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's Shal. By my fidelity, this is not well, master Ford; this wrongs you. Eva. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies. Ford. Well, he's not here I seek for. Puge. No, nor no where else, but in your brain. Ford. Help to search my house this one time: if I find not what I seek,show no colour for my extremity,let me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of me, As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife's leman.Satisfy me once more; once more search with me! Mrs Ford. What hoa, mistress Page! come you, and the old woman, down; my husband will come into the chamber. Ford. Old woman! What old woman's that? hand. Enter FALSTAFF in women's clothes, led by Mrs PAGE. Mrs Ford. Nay, he will do it!—"Tis a goodly credit for you. Ford. Hang her, witch! Eva. By yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch indeed: I like not, when a 'oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under her muffler. Ford. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me, when I open again. Page. Let's obey his humour a little farther! Come, gentlemen. [Exeunt Page, Ford, Shallow, and Evans. Mrs Page. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. Mrs Ford. Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully, methought. Mrs Page. I'll have the cudgel hallowed, and hang o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service. Mrs Ford. What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood, and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any farther revenge? Mrs Page. The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of him; if the devil have him not in fee simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us again. Mrs Ford. Shall we tell our husbands, how we have served him? Mrs Page. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband's brains. If they can fiud in their hearts, the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any farther afflicted, we two will still be the ministers. Mrs Ford. I'll warrant, they'll have him publicly shamed: and, methinks, there would be no period to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed. Mrs Page. Come, to the forge with it then, shape [Exeunt. it! I would not have things cool. SCENE III.-A room in the Garter Inn. Enter Host and BARDOLPH. Bard. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and they are going to meet him. I Host. What duke should that be, comes so secretly? SCENEIV.-A room in Ford's house. Eva. 'Tis one of the pest discretions of a 'oman as ever I did look upon. Page. And did he send you both these letters at an Mrs Ford. Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford. Ford. A witch, a quean, and old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass under the profession of fortune-tel-instant? ling. She works hy charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is; beyond our element: we know nothing.--Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down, I say! Mrs Ford. Nay, good, sweet husband;-good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman. I Mrs Page. Within a quarter of an hour. rather will suspect the sun with cold, stand In him, that was of late an heretic, As firm as faith. Page. 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more. Be not as extreme in submission, As in offence; But let our plot go forward: let our wives Eva. You say, he has been thrown into the rivers; and has been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman: methinks, there should be terrors in him, that he should not come; methinks,his flesh is punished, he shall have no desires. Page. So think I too. Mrs Page.My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies, Finely attired in a robe of white. Page. That silk will I go buy ;-and in that time Shall master Slender steal my Nan away, [Aside. And marry her at Eton.-Go, send to Falstaff straight! Ford. Nay, I'll to him again in name of Brook. He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he'll come. Mrs Page. Fear not you that! Go, get us properties, And tricking for our fairies. Eva. Let us about it! It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries! [Exeunt Page, Ford, and Evans. Mrs Page. Go, mistress Ford, Send Quickly to sir John, to know his mind. [Exit Mrs Ford. I'll to the doctor; he hath my good will, Mrs Ford. Devise but, how you'll use him, when he And he my husband best of all affects: comes, And let us two devise to bring him thither. The doctor is well money'd, and his friends Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her, Mrs Page. There is an old tale goes, that Herne the Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. hunter, Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest, Doth all the winter time, at still midnight, Walk round about an oak with great ragg'd horns; And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle; SCENE V.-A room in the Garter Inn. Enter Host and SIMPLE. [Exit. Host. What would'st thou have, boor? what, thick And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick,snap! chain In a most hideous and dreadful manner : Sim. Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John Falstaff from master Slender. You have heard of such a spirit; and well you know, Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his The superstitious idle-headed eld Received, and did deliver to our age, Page. Why, yet there want not many, that do fear Mrs Ford. Marry, this is our device; That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us, Disguised like Herne, with huge horns on his head. Page. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come, And in this shape. When you have brought him ther, standing-bed, and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new: go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say! Sim. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down: I come to speak with her, indeed. Host. Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll call.-Bully knight! Bully sir John! speak from thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine host, thine thi-Ephesian, calls. What shall be done with him? what is your plot? Mrs Page. That likewise have we thought upon, and thus: Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress In shape profane. Mrs Ford. And till he tell the truth, Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound, Mrs Page. The truth being known, We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit, And mock him home to Windsor. Ford. The children must Be practis'd well to this, or they'll ne'er do't. Ford. That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards. Fal. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even with me; but she's gone. Sim. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of Brentford? Fal. Ay, marry, was it, muscle-shell: what would you with her? Sim. My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain, or no. Fal. I spake with the old woman about it. Fal. Marry, she says, that the very same man, that beguiled master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it. Sim. I would, I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him. Fal. What are they? let us know. Host. Ay, come; quick! Sim. I may not conceal them, sir. Fal. Conceal them, or thou diest! Sim. Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress Anne Page: to know, if it were my master's fortune to have her, or no. Fal. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune. Sim. What, sir? Fal. To have her, told me so. Quick. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: or no go; say, the woman you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed. Fal. Come up into my [Exeunt. Sim. May I be so bold to say so, sir? Fal. Ay, sir Tike; who more bold? Sim. I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad with these tidings. [Exit Simple. Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John: was there a wise woman with thee? Fal. Ay, that there was, mine host; one, that hath taught me more wit, than ever I learned before in my life and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning. Enter BARDOLPH. Bard. Out, alas, sir! cozenage! mere cozenage! Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto! Bard. Run away with the cozeners! for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and away, like threeGerman devils, three doctor Faustuses. Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not say, they be fled; Germans are honest men. Enter Sir HUGH EVANS. Eva. Where is mine host? Host. What is the matter, sir? Eva. Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is three cousin germans, that has cozened all the hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good-will, look you: you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs; and 'tis not conveniend you should be cozened! Fare you well! [Exeunt. Enter Doctor CAIUS. Caius. Vere is mine host de Jarterre? chamber. SCENE VI.-Another room in the Garter Inn. Host. Master Fenton, talk not to me! my mind is Fent. Yet hear me speak! Assist me in my purpose, And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee A hundred pound in gold, more than your loss. Fent. From time to time I have acquainted you [Showing the letter. Host. Here, master doctor, in perplexity, and doubt-Now, sir, ful dilemma. done! : Her mother, even strong against that match, Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat : but it is tell-a me, dat And firm for doctor Caius, hath appointed, you make grand preparation for a duke de Jarmany :by That he shall likewise shuffle her away, my trot, dere is no duke, dat de court is know to come: While other sports are tasking of their minds, I tell you for good vill: adieu ! [Exit. And at the deanery, where a priest attends, Host. Hue and cry, villain, go!-assist me, knight; I Straight marry her to this her mother's plot am undone:-fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am un-She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath [Exeunt Host and Bardolph. Made promise to the doctor. -Now, thus it rests: Fal. I would, all the world might be cozened; for I Her father means, she shall be all in white; have beeu cozened, and beaten too. Ifit should come to And in that habit, when Slender sees his time the ear of the court, how I have been transformed, and To take her by the hand, and bid her go, how my transformation hath been washed and cudgel- She shall go with him :- her mother hath intended, led, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, The better to denote her to the doctor, and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant, they (For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,) would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as crest- That, quaint in green, she shall be loose enrob'd, fallen as a dried pear. Inever prospered, since I for- With ribbands pendant, flaring 'bout her head; swore myself at primero. Well,if my wind were but long And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, enough to say my prayers, I would repent.— To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token, Enter Mistress QUICKLY. The maid hath given consent to go with him. Host. Wich means she to deceive? father or mother? Fent. Both, my good host, to go along with me: And here it rests,-that you'll procure the vicar To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one, And, in the lawful name of marrying, To give our hearts united ceremony. Host. Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar: Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. Fent. So shall I evermore be bound to thee; Besides, I'll make a present recompense. Now! whence come you? Quick. From the two parties, forsooth. Fal. The devil take one party, and his dam the other, and so they shall be both bestowed! I have suffered more for their sakes, more, than the villainous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear. Quick. And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her. Fal. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch. A CT V. [Exeunt. SCENEI.-A room in the Garter Inn. numbers. Away, go; they say, there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away. Quick. I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what I can to get you a pair of horns. parts: be pold,I pray you; follow me into the pit, and SCENE V.- Another part of the Park. Fal. Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head, and mince! [Exit Mrs Quickly. Enter FORD. How now, master Brook ?Master Brook, the matter will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the park about-Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; midnight, atHernes' oak, and you shall see wonders. Ford. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed? Fal. I went to her, master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man: but I came from her, master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you. He beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man,master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because I know also, life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me; I'll tell you all, master Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped top, I knew not what it was to be beaten, till lately. Follow me: I'll tell you strange things of this knave Ford; on whom to-night I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand.-Follow; strange things in hand, niaster Brook! follow. [Exeunt. SCENE II.-Windsor Park. Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLEnder. Page.Come,come; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch, till we see the light of our fairies.-Remember, son Slender, my daughter. Slen. Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have a nay-word, how to know one another. I come to her in white, and cry, mum; she cries, budget; and by that we know one another. Shal. That's good too: but what needs either your mum, or her budget? the white will decipher her well enough. It hath struck ten o'clock. Page. The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the devil,and we shall know him by his horns. Let's away; follow me! [Exeunt. SCENE III.-The street in Windsor. Enter Mrs PAGE, Mrs FORD, and Dr CAIUS. Mrs Page. Master doctor, my daughter is in green: when you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to the deanery, and despatch it quickly! Go before into the park; we two must go together. Caius. Iknew vat I have to do; adieu! Mrs Page. Fare you well, sir. [Exit Caius.]-My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff, as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter: but 'tis no matter; better a little chiding, than a great deal of heartbreak. Mrs Ford. Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies? and the Welch devil, Hugh? Mrs Page. They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne's oak, with obscured lights; which, at the very instant of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display to the night. Mrs Ford. That cannot choose but amaze him. Mrs Page. Against such lewdsters, and their lechery, SCENEIV.-Windsor Park. [Exeunt. love set on thy horns.-O,powerful love! that,in some respects, makes a beast a man; in some other, a man a beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda;-0, omnipotent love! how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! - A fault done first in the form of a beast;-0, Jove,a beastly fault! and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl; think on't, Jove; a foul fault. When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest, I think, i' the forest: send me a cool rut-time,Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? my doe? Enter Mrs FORD and Mrs PAGE. Mrs Ford. Sir John? art thou there, my deer? my male deer? Fal. My doe with the black scut? - Let the sky rain potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Green Sleeves; hail kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here. [Embracing her. Mrs Ford. Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart. Mrs Page. Alas! what noise? Away, away. [They run off. Fal. I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the oil that is in me should set hell on fire; he would never else cross me thus. Enter Sir HUGH EVANS, like a satyr; Mrs QUICKLY, and Quick. Fairies, black, grey, green, and white, Eva. Where's Pede?-Go you, and where you find That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said, Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out: shins. Sim. What, sir? Fal. To have her, told me so. Quick. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: or no: go; say, the woman you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed. Sim. May I be so bold to say so, sir? Fal. Ay, sir Tike; who more bold? Sim. I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad with these tidings. [Exit Simple. Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John: was there a wise woman with thee? Fal. Ay, that there was, mine host; one, that hath taught me more wit, than ever I learned before in my life and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning. Enter BARDolph. Bard. Out, alas, sir! cozenage! mere cozenage! Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto! Bard. Run away with the cozeners! for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and away, like threeGerman devils, three doctor Faustuses. Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not say, they be fled; Germans are honest men. Enter Sir HUGH EVANS. Eva. Where is mine host? Host. What is the matter, sir? Eva. Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is three cousin germans, that has cozened all the hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. Itell you for good-will, look you: you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs; and 'tis not conveniend you should be cozened! Fare you well! [Exeunt. Enter Doctor CAIUS. Fal. Come up into my chamber. [Exeunt. SCENE VI.-Another room in the Garter Inn. Host. Master Fenton, talk not to me! my mind is Fent. From time to time I have acquainted you [Showing the letter. Caius. Vere is mine host de Jarterre? Host. Here, master doctor, in perplexity, and doubt-Now, sir, ful dilemma. done! Her mother, even strong against that match, Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat : but it is tell-a me, dat And firm for doctor Caius, hath appointed, you make grand preparation for a duke de Jarmany :by That he shall likewise shuffle her away, my trot, dere is no duke, dat de court is know to come: While other sports are tasking of their minds, I tell you for good vill: adieu! [Exit. And at the deanery, where a priest attends, Host. Hue and cry, villain, go!-assist me, knight; I Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot am undone :-fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am un-She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath [Exeunt Host and Bardolph. Made promise to the doctor. -Now, thus it rests: Fal. I would, all the world might be cozened; for I Her father means, she shall be all in white; have been cozened, and beaten too. If it should come to And in that habit, when Slender sees his time the ear of the court, how I have been transformed, and To take her by the hand, and bid her go, how my transformation hath been washed and cudgel- She shall go with him:- her mother hath intended, led, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, The better to denote her to the doctor, and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant, they (For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,) would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as crest- That, quaint in green, she shall be loose enrob'd, fallen as a dried pear. Inever prospered, since I for- With ribbands pendant, flaring 'bout her head; swore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, enough to say my prayers, I would repent.To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token, Enter Mistress QUICKLY. The maid hath given consent to go with him. Now! whence come you? Host. Wich means she to deceive? father or mother? Fent. Both, my good host, to go along with me: And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one, And, in the lawful name of marrying, To give our hearts united ceremony. Host. Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar: Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. Fent. So shall I evermore be bound to thee; Besides, I'll make a present recompense. Quick. From the two parties, forsooth. Fal. The devil take one party, and his dam the other, and so they shall be both bestowed! I have suffered more for their sakes, more, than the villainous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear. Quick. And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her. Fal. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch. [Exeunt. SCENEI.-A room in the Garter Inn. |