for that monftrous Animal with whom I was fo lately engaged, (it was indeed as large as an Elephant) if my Fears had fuffered me to think fo far as to make Ufe of my Hanger (looking fiercely, and clapping my Hand upon the Hilt as I fpoke) when he poked his Paw into my Chamber, perhaps I fhould have given him fuch a Wound, as would have made him glad to withdraw it with more Hafte than he put it in. This I delivered in a firm Tone, like a Perfon who was jealous left his Courage should be called in Queftion. However, my Speech produced nothing else befides a loud Laughter; which all the Refpect due to his Majefty from those about him, could not make them contain. This made me reflect, how vain an Attempt it is for a Man to endeavour doing himself Honour among those who are out of all Degree of Equality or Comparison with him. And yet, I have feen the Moral of my own Behaviour very frequent in England fince my Return; where a little contemptible Varlet, without the leaft Title to Birth, Perfon, Wit, or common Senfe, fhall prefume to look with Importance, and put himself upon a Foot with the greatest Persons of the Kingdom.

I WAS every Day furnishing the Court with fome ridiculous Story; and Glumdalclitch, although fhe loved me to Excefs, yet was arch enough to inform the Queen, whenever I committed any Folly that the thought would be diverting to her Majefty. The Girl who had been out of Order, was carried by her Governess to take the Air about an Hour's Distance, or thirty Miles from Town. They alighted out of the Coach near a small Foot-path in a Field; and Glumdalclitch fetting down my travelling Box, I went out of it to walk. There was

a Cow-dung in the Path, and I must needs try my Activity by attempting to leap over it. I took a Run, but unfortunately jumped fhort, and found my felf juft in the Middle up to my Knees. I waded through with fome Difficulty, and one of the Foctmen wiped me as clean as he could with his Handkerchief; for I was filthily bemired, and my Nurse confined me to my Box until we returned home; where the Queen was foon informed of what had paffed, and the Footmen spread it about the Court; fo, that all the Mirth, for fome Days, was at my Expence.

CHAP.

CHAP. VI.

Several Contrivances of the Author to please the King and Queen. He fhews his Skill in Mufick. The King enquires into the State of EUROPE, which the Author relates to him. The King's Obfervations thereon.

USED to attend the King's Levee once or twice a Week, and had often I feen him under the Barber's Hand, which indeed was at first very terri

ble to behold. For, the Razor was almost twice as long as an ordinary Scythe. His Majefty, according to the Custom of the Country, was only fhaved twice a Week. I once prevailed on the Barber, to give me fome of the Suds or Lather, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the strongest Stumps of Hair. I then took a Piece of fine Wood, and cut it like the Back of a Comb, making feveral Holes in it at equal Distance, withas fmall a Needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the Stumps fo artificially, fcraping and

floping

floping them with my Knife towards the Points, that I made a very tolerable Comb; which was a seasonable Supply, my own being fo much broken in the Teeth, that it was almoft ufelefs: Neither did I know any Artist in that Country so nice and exact, as would undertake to make me another.

AND this puts me in Mind of an Amusement wherein I spent many of my leifure Hours. I de fired the Queen's Woman to fave for me the Comb, ings of her Majefty's Hair, whereof in Time I got a good Quantity; and confulting with my Friend the Cabinet-maker, who had received general Orders to do little Jobbs for me; I directed him to make two Chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my Box, and then to bore little Holes with a fine Awl round thofe Parts where I defigned the Backs and Seats; through these Holes I wove the strongest Hairs I could pick out, just after the Manner of Cane-chairs in England. When they were finished, I made a Prefent of them to her Majefty, who kept them in her Cabinet, and used to fhew them for Curiofities; as indeed they were the Wonder of every one who beheld them. The Queen would have had me fit upon one of these Chairs, but I abfolutely refused to obey her; protefting I would rather dye a thousand Deaths, than place a difhonourable Part of my Body on those precious Hairs that once adorned her Majefty's Head. Of thefe Hairs (as I had always a Mechanical Genius) I likewife made a neat little Purse about five Foot long, with her Majesty's Name decyphered in Gold Letters; which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the Queen's Confent. To say the Truth, it was more for Shew than Ufe, being not of Strength to bear the Weight of the larger Coins;

and

and therefore she kept nothing in it, but fome little Toys that Girls are fond of.

THE King, who delighted in Musick, had frequent Concerts at Court, to which I was fometimes carried, and fet in my Box on a Table to hear. them: But, the Noife was fo great, that I could hardly diftinguifh the Tunes. I am confident, that all the Drums and Trumpets of a Royal Army, beating and founding together juft at your Ears, could not equal it. My Practice was to have my Box removed from the Places where the Performers fat, as far as I could; then to fhut the Doors and Windows of it, and draw the Window-Curtains; after which I found their Mufick not difagreeable.

I HAD learned in my Youth, to play a little upon the Spinet; Glumdalclitch kept one in her Chamber, and a Master attended twice a Week to teach her I call it a Spinet, because it fomewhat refembled that Inftrument, and was played upon in the fame Manner. A Fancy came into my Head, that I could entertain the King and Queen with an English Tune upon this Inftrument. But this appeared extremely difficult: For, the Spinet was near fixty Foot long, each Key being almost a Foot wide; fo that, with my Arms extended, I could not reach to above five Keys; and to press them down, required a good smart Stroak with my Fift, which would be too great a Labour, and to no Purpose. The Method I contrived was this.. I prepared two round Sticks about the Bigness of common Cudgels; they were thicker at one End than the other; and I covered the thicker End with a Piece of a Moufe's Skin, that by rapping on them, I might neither Damage the Tops of the Keys, nor interrupt the Sound. Before the Spinet, VOL. III. a Bench

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