CHAP. X. WHEN Dr Slop entered the back-parlour, where my father and my uncle Toby were discoursing upon the nature of Women,-it was hard to determine whether Dr Slop's figure, or Dr Slop's presence, occasioned more surprise to them; for, as the accident happened so near the house, as not to make it worth while for Obadiah to remount him,-Obadiah had led him in as he was, unwiped, unappointed, unannealed, with all his stains and blotches on him.--He stood like Hamlet's ghost, motionless and speechless, for a full minute and a half, at the parlour door (Obadiah still holding his hand,) with all the majesty of mud. His hinder parts, upon which he had received his fall, totally besmeared-and, in every other part of him, blotched over in such a manner with Obadiah's explosion, that you would have sworn (without mental reservation) that every grain of it had taken effect. Here was a fair opportunity for my uncle Toby to have triumphed over my father in his turn--for no mortal, who had beheld Dr Slop in that pickle, could have dissented from so much, at least, of my uncle Toby's opinion, "That mayhap his sister might not care to let such a Dr Slop come so near her ****" But it was the Argumentum ad hominem; and if my uncle Toby was not very expert at it, you may think, he might not care to use it.- -No; the reason was, it was not his nature to insult. Dr Slop's presence, at that time, was no less problematical than the mode of it, though, it is certain, one moment's reflection in my father might have solved it; for he had apprised Dr Slop but the week before, that my mother was at her full reckoning; and as the Doctor had heard nothing since, it was natural and very political too in him, to have taken a ride to Shandy-Hall, as he did, merely to see how mat ters went on. WRITING, when properly managed (as you may be sure I think mine is,) is but a different name for conversation. As no one, who knows what he is about, in good company would venture to talk all ;- -so no author, who understands the just boundaries of decorum and goodbreeding, would presume to think all. The truest respect which you can pay to the reader's understanding, is to halve this matter amicably, and leave him something to imagine in his turn, as well as yourself. For my own part, I am eternally paying him compliments of this kind, and do all that lies in my power to keep his imagination as busy as my own. It is his turn now :--- -I have given an ample description of Dr Slop's sad overthrow, and of his sad appearance in the back-parlour;-his imagination must now go on with it for awhile. Let the reader imagine, then, that Dr Slop has told his tale ;-and in what words, and with what aggravations, his fancy chooses.Let hin suppose that Obadiah has told his tale also, and with such rueful looks of affected concern, as he thinks will best contrast the two figures as they stand by each other.Let him imagine, that my father had stepped up stairs to see my mother :-and to conclude this work of imagination,-let him imagine the Doctor washed,-rubbed down and condoled,-felicitated,— got into a pair of Obadiah's pumps, stepping forwards towards the door, upon the very point of entering upon action. Truce!truce, good Dr Slop!-Stay thy obstetric hand;-return it safe into thy bosom to keep it warm ;--little dost thou know what obstacles- -little dost thou think what hidden causes retard its operation!Hast thou, Dr Slop,-hast thou been entrusted with the secret articles of the solemn treaty which has brought thee into this place?-Art thou aware that at this instant, a daughter of Lucina is put obstetrically over thy head? Alas! 'tis too true.-Besides, great son of Pilumnus! what canst thou do?-Thou hast come forth unarmed; thou hast left thy tire tête,-thy new-invented forceps,-thy crotchet,-thy squirt,—and all thy instruments of salvation and deliverance behind thee.—By Heaven! at this moment, they are hanging up in a green baize bag, betwixt thy two pistols, at the bed's head! -Ring;-call!-send Obadiah back upon the coach-horse to bring them with all speed. -Make great haste, Obadiah, quoth my father, and I'll give thee a crown! and, quoth all points; for they always consist of two faces, my uncle Toby, I'll give him another. CHAP. XII. YOUR sudden and unexpected arrival, quoth my uncle Toby, addressing himself to Dr Slop, (all three of them sitting down to the fire toge ther, as my uncle Toby began to speak)-instantly brought the great Stevinus into my head, who, you must know, is a favourite author with me.—Then, added my father, making use of the argument ad crumenam,—I will lay twenty guineas to a single crown-piece (which will serve to give away to Obadiah when he gets back,) that this same Stevinus was some engineer or other, or has wrote something or other, either directly or indirectly, upon the science of fortification. He has so,-replied my uncle Toby.-I knew it, said my father, though, for the soul of me, I cannot see what kind of connection there can be betwixt Dr Slop's sudden coming, and a discourse upon fortification;-yet I feared it. Talk of what we will, brother,- or let the occasion be never so foreign or unfit for the subject-you are sure to bring it in. I would not, brother Toby, continued my father, I declare I would not have my head so full of curtains and horn-works. That, I dare say, you would not, quoth Dr Slop, interrupting him, and laughing most immoderately at his pun. Dennis, the critic, could not detest and abhor a pun, or the insinuation of a pun, more cordially than my father; he would grow testy upon it at any time;—but to be broke in upon by one, in a serious discourse, was as bad, he would say, as a fillip upon the nose; he saw no difference. making a salient angle, with the gorges, not -As for the horn-work (heigh ho! sighed my father,) which, continued my uncle Toby, my brother was speaking of, they are a very considerable part of an outwork ;-they are called by the French engineers, Ouvrage à corne, and we generally make them to cover such places as we suspect to be weaker than the rest ;-'tis formed by two epaulments or demi-bastions,they are very pretty, and if you will take a walk, I'll engage to shew you one well worth your trouble:-I own, continued my uncle Toby, when we crown them,-they are much stronger, but then they are very expensive, and take up a great deal of ground; so that, in my opinion, they are most of use to cover or defend the head of a camp; otherwise the double tenaille--By the mother who bore us!-brother Toby, quoth my father, not able to hold out any longer,you would provoke a saint ;-here have you got us, I know not how, not only souse into the middle of the old subject again, but so full is your head of these confounded works, that though my wife is this moment in the pains of labour, and you hear her cry out, yet nothing will serve you but to carry off the man-midwife. -Accoucheur-if you please, quoth Dr Slop. -With all my heart, replied my father, I don't care what they call you, but I wish the whole science of fortification, with all its inventors, at the devil:-it has been the death of thousands,-and it will be mine, in the end.I would not, I would not, brother Toby, have my brains so full of saps, mines, blinds, gabions, palisadoes, ravelins, half-moons, and such truжpery, to be proprietor of Namur, and of all the towns of Flanders with it. Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, addressing himself to Dr Slop-the curtains my brother Shandy mentions here, have nothing to do with bedsteads:-though, I know, Du Cange says, "That bed-curtains, in all probability, have taken their name from them;"-nor have the horn-works, he speaks of, any thing in the world to do with the horn-works of cuckoldom: But the curtain, sir, is the word we use in fortification, for that part of the wall or rampart which lies between the two bastions, and joins them. Besiegers seldom offer to carry on their attacks directly against the curtain, for this reason, because they are so well flanked: ("Tis the case of other cur- My uncle Toby was a man patient of injuries; tains, quoth Dr Slop, laughing.)-However, con--not from want of courage--I have told you tinued my uncle Toby, to make them sure, we in a former chapter," that he was a man of generally choose to place ravelins before them, courage:"-And will add here, that where just taking care only to extend them beyond the occasions presented, or called it forth, I know fosse or ditch.The common men, who know no man under whose arm I would have sooner very little of fortification, confound the ravelin taken shelter ;-nor did this arise from any and the half-moon together,-though they are insensibility or obtuseness of his intellectual very different things;-not in their figure or parts;-for he felt this insult of my father's as construction for we make them exactly alike in feelingly as a man could do ;-but he was of a peaceful, placid nature, no jarring element in it-all was mixed up so kindly within him, my uncle Toby had scarce a heart to retaliate upon a fly. -Go-says he, one day at dinner, to an overgrown one which had buzzed about his nose, and tormented him cruelly all dinner-time, and which, after infinite attempts, he had caught at last, as it flew by him ;-I'll not hurt thee, says my uncle Toby, rising from his chair, and going across the room with the fly in his hand, -I'll not hurt a hair of thy head :-Go, says he, lifting up the sash, and opening his hand as as he spoke, to let it escape; go, poor devil, get thee gone, why should I hurt thee?- -This world surely is wide enough to hold both thee and me. I was but ten years old when this happened: but whether it was that the action itself was more in unison to my nerves at that age of pity, which instantly set my whole frame into one vibration of most pleasurable sensation;-or how far the manner and expression of it might go towards it ;-or, in what degree, or by what secret magic,a tone of voice, and harmony of movement, attuned by mercy, might find a passage to my heart, I know not ;-this I know, that the lesson of universal good-will, then taught and imprinted by my uncle Toby, has never since been worn out of my mind: And though I would not depreciate what the study of the litera humaniores, at the university, have done for me in that respect, or discredit the other helps of an expensive education bestowed upon me both at home and abroad since; yet, I often think, that I owe one half of my philanthropy to that one accidental expression. This is to serve for parents and governors in stead of a whole volume upon the subject. I could not give the reader this stroke in my uncle Toby's picture, by the instrument with which I drew the other parts of it,-that taking in no more than the mere HOBBY-HORSICAL likeness; this is a part of his moral character. My father, in this patient endurance of wrongs, which I mention, was very different, as the reader must long ago have noted; he had a much more acute and quick sensibility of nature, attended with a little sourness of temper; though this never transported him to any thing which looked like malignancy;-yet, in the little rubs and vexations of life, it was apt to show itself in a drollish and witty kind of pee vishness.He was, however, frank and generous in his nature,at all times open to conviction; and in the little ebullitions of this subacid humour towards others, but particularly towards my uncle Toby, whom he truly loved, he would feel more pain ten times told (except in the affair of my aunt Dinah, or where an hypothesis was concerned), than what he ever gave. The characters of the two brothers, in this view of them, reflected light upon each other, and appeared with great advantage in this affair which rose about Stevinus. I need not tell the reader, if he keeps a HOBBY-HORSE-that a man's HOBBY-HORSE is as tender a part as he has about him; and that these unprovoked strokes at my uncle Toby's could not be unfelt by him.- -No:-as I said above, my uncle Toby did feel them, and very sensibly too. Pray, sir, what said he ?-How did he behave?-Oh, sir!-it was great; for as soon as my father had done insulting his HOBBY-HORSE, -he turned his head, without the least emotion, from Dr Slop, to whom he was addressing his discourse, and looked up into my father's face, with a countenance spread over with so much good-nature,so placid,so fraternal,so inexpressibly tender towards him;-it penetrated my father to his heart: He rose up hastily from his chair, and seizing hold of both my uncle Toby's hands as he spoke,Brother Toby, said he,-I beg thy pardon ;forgive, I pray thee, this rash humour which my mother gave me.- -My dear, dear brother, answered my uncle Toby, rising up by my father's help, say no more about it;-you are heartily welcome, had it been ten times as much, brother.But it is ungenerous, replied my father, to hurt any man; a brother, worse ;- -but to hurt a brother of such gentle manners-so unprovoking-and so unresenting, 'tis base;by Heaven! 'tis cowardly. -You are heartily welcome, brother, quoth my uncle Toby,-had it been fifty times as much.-Besides, what have I to do, my dear Toby, cried my father, either with your amusements or your pleasures, unless it was in my power (which it is not) to increase their measure? Brother Shandy, answered my uncle Toby, looking wistfully in his face,you are much mistaken in this point ;-for you do increase my pleasure very much, in begetting children for the Shandy family at your time of life. But, by that, sir, quoth Dr Slop, Mr Shandy increases his own.-Not a jot, quoth my father. CHAP. XIII. My brother does it, quoth my uncle Toby, out of principle.In a family-way, I suppose, quoth Dr Slop.-Pshaw !-said my father, 'tis not worth talking of. CHAP. XIV. At the end of the last chapter, my father and my uncle Toby were both left standing, like Brutus and Cassius at the close of the scene, making up their accounts. As my father spoke the three last words,-he sat down my uncle Toby exactly followed his example, only, that before he took his chair, he rung the bell, to order Corporal Trim, who was in waiting, to step home for Stevinus ;my uncle Toby's house being no further off than the opposite side of the way. Some men would have dropped the subject of Stevinus ;- -but my uncle Toby had no resentment in his heart, and he went on with the subject, to shew my father that he had none. Your sudden appearance, Dr Slop, quoth my uncle, resuming the discourse, instantly brought Stevinus into my head. (My father, you may be sure, did not offer to lay any more wagers upon Stevinus's head)-Because, continued my uncle Toby, the celebrated sailing-chariot, which belonged to Prince Maurice, and was of such wonderful contrivance and velocity, as to carry half a dozen people thirty German miles, in I don't know how few minutes,was invented by Stevinus, that great mathematician and engineer. You might have spared your servant the trouble, quoth Dr Slop (as the fellow is lame), of going for Stevinus's account of it, because, in my return from Leyden, through the Hague, I walked as far as Schevling, which is two long miles, on purpose to take a view of it. That's nothing, replied my uncle Toby, to what the learned Peireskius did, who walked a matter of five hundred miles, reckoning from Paris to Schevling, and from Schevling to Paris back again, in order to see it, and nothing else. Some men cannot bear to be out-gone. The more fool Peireskius, replied Dr Slop. But mark, 'twas out of no contempt of Peireskius at all;but that Peireskius's indefatigable labour, in trudging so far on foot out of love to the sciences, reduced the exploit of Dr Slop, in that affair, to nothing.-The more fool Peireskius, said he again.-Why so?-replied my father, taking his brother's part, not only to make reparation as fast as he could for the insult he had given him, which sat still upon my father's mind ;--but partly, that my father began really to interest himself in the discourse; -Why so? -said he. Why is Peireskius, or any man else, to be abused for an appetite for that, or any other morsel of sound knowledge? For, notwithstanding I know nothing of the chariot in question, continued he, the inventor of it must have had a very mechanical head; and though I cannot guess upon what principles of philosophy he has achieved it yet certainly his machine has been constructed upon solid ones, be they what they will, or it could not have answered at the rate my brother mentions. It answered, replied my uncle Toby, as well, if not better; for, as Peireskius elegantly expresses it, speaking of the velocity of its motion, Tum citus erat quam erat ventus; which, un less I have forgot my Latin, is, that it was as swift as the wind itself. But pray, Dr Slop, quoth my father, interrupting my uncle (though not without begging pardon for it, at the same time), upon what principles was this self-same chariot set a-going? -Upon very pretty principles, to be sure, replied Dr Slop;and I have often wondered, continued he, evading the question, why none of our gentry, who live upon large plains like this of ours-(especially they whose wives are not past child-bearing,) attempt nothing of this kind; for it would not only be infinitely expeditious upon sudden calls to which the sex is subject,-if the wind only served,--but would be excellent good husbandry to make use of the winds, which cost nothing, and which eat nothing, rather than horses, which (the devil take 'em) both cost and eat a great deal. For that very reason, replied my father, “Because they cost nothing, and because they eat nothing," the scheme is bad ;-it is the consumption of our products, as well as the manufactures of them, which gives bread to the hungry,-circulates trade, brings in money, and supports the value of our lands:-and though, I own, if I was a prince, I would generously recompence the scientific head which brought forth such contrivances;—yet I would as peremptorily suppress the use of them. My father here had got into his element,and was going on as prosperously with his dissertation upon trade, as my uncle Toby had before, upon his of fortification ;-but, to the loss of much sound knowledge, the destinies in the morning had decreed, that no dissertation of any kind should be spun by my father that. day;for, as he opened his mouth to begin the next sentence, CHAP. XV. IN popped Corporal Trim, with Stevinus:-But it was too late ;-all the discourse had been exhausted without him, and was running into a new channel. -You may take back the book home again, Trim, said my uncle Toby, nodding to him. But pri'thee, Corporal, quoth my father, drolling,-look first into it, and see if thou can'st spy aught of a sailing chariot in it. Corporal Trim, by being in the service, had learned to obey,-and not to remonstrate ;--so taking the book to a side-table, and running over the leaves; an' please your Honour, said Trim, I can see no such thing;-however, continued the Corporal, drolling a little in his turn, I'll make sure work of it, an' please your Honour;--so taking hold of the two covers of the book, one in each hand, and letting the leaves fall down, as he bent the covers back, he gave the book a good sound shake. There is something fallen out, however, said Trim, an' please your Honour ;-but it is not a chariot, or any thing like one.-Pri'thee, Corporal, said my father, smiling, what is it then? I think, answered Trim, stooping to take it up, 'tis more like a sermon,- -for it begins with a text of scripture, and the chapter and verse; and then goes on, not as a chariot, -but like a sermon directly. The company smiled. I cannot conceive how it is possible, quoth my uncle Toby, for such a thing as a sermon to have got into my Stevinus. I think 'tis a sermon, replied Trim ;-but if it please your Honours, as it is a fair hand, I will read you a page for Trim, you must know, loved to hear himself read, almost as well as talk. I have ever a strong propensity, said my father, to look into things which cross my way by such strange fatalities as these; and as we have nothing better to do, at least till Obadiah gets back, I shall be obliged to you, brother, if Dr Slop has no objection to it, to order the Corporal to give us a page or two of it,-if he is as able to do it, as he seems willing. An' please your Honour, quoth Trim, I officiated two whole campaigns in Flanders, as clerk to the chaplain of the regiment. He can read it, quoth my uncle Toby, as well as I can. Trim, I assure you, was the best scholar in my company, and should have had the next halbert, but for the poor fellow's misfortune.-Corporal Trim laid his hand upon his heart, and made a humble bow to his master:then laying down his hat upon the floor, and taking up the sermon in his left hand, in order to have his right at liberty, he advanced, nothing doubting, into the middle of the room, where he could best see, and be best seen by, his audience. CHAP. XVII. -BUT before the Corporal begins, I must first give you a description of his attitude; otherwise he will naturally stand represented by your imagination in an uneasy posture, -stiff,-perpendicular, dividing the weight of his body equally upon both legs;—his eye fixed, as if on duty;-his look determined,— clenching the sermon in his left hand, like his firelock.In a word, you would be apt to paint Trim, as if he was standing in his platoon, ready for action. His attitude was as unlike all this as you can conceive. He stood before them with his body swayed and bent forwards, just so far, as to make an angle of 85 degrees and a half upon the plane of the horizon;-which sound orators, to whom I address this, know very well to be the true persuasive angle of incidence:-in any other angle you may talk and preach-'tis certain,— and it is done every day;-but with what effect,-I leave the world to judge. The necessity of this precise angle of 85 degrees and a half, to a mathematical exactness,does it not shew us, by the way, how the arts and sciences mutually befriend each other? How the deuce Corporal Trim, who knew not so much as an acute angle from an obtuse one, came to hit it so exactly ;- -or whether it was chance, or nature, or good sense, or imitation, &c. shall be commented upon in that part of the cyclopædia of arts and sciences, where the instrumental parts of the eloquence of the senate, the pulpit, the bar, the coffeehouse, the bed-chamber, and fire-side, fall under consideration. He stood, for I repeat it, to take the picture of him in at one view, with his body swayed, and somewhat bent forwards,-his right leg from under him, sustaining seven-eighths of his whole weight- -the foot of his left leg, the defect of which was no disadvantage to his attitude, advanced a little, not laterally, nor forwards, but in a line betwixt them ;-his knee bent, but that not violently,--but so as to fall within the limits of the line of beauty ;and I add, of the line of science too ;-for consider, it had one-eighth part of his body to bear up; so that, in this case, the position of the leg is determined, because the foot could be no further advanced, or the knee more bent, than what would allow him, mechanically, to receive an eighth part of his whole weight under it, and to carry it too. This I recommend to painters ;—need I add,-to orators?—I think not; for, unless they practise it,- they must fall upon their noses. So much for Corporal Trim's body and legs. -He held the sermon loosely,-not careless |