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great an argument, both of their imbecility | with an account of his claps and diet-drink and unsuccessfulness, to believe it will be any though, to my knowledge, he is as sound as any better than misspending of time, by suspending of his tenants. a method that will turn more to advantage, and which has no other danger of losing ground, but by discontinuance. And as I am certain of what he supposes, that your lucubrations are intended for the public benefit; so I hope you will not give them so great an interruption, by laying aside the only method that can render you beneficial to mankind, and, among others, agreeable to, Sir, your humble servant, &c.'

St. James's Coffee-house, October 3.

Letters from the camp at Havre, of the seventh instant, N. S. advise, that the trenches were opened before Mons on the twenty-seventh of the last month, and the approaches were carried on at two attacks with great application and success, notwithstanding the rains which had fallen; that the besiegers had made themselves masters of several redoubts, and other out-works, and had advanced the approaches within ten paces of the counterscarps of the hornwork. Lieutenant-general Cadogan received a slight wound in the neck soon after opening the trenches.

The enemy were throwing up entrenchments between Quesnoy and Valenciennes, and the chevalier de Luxemburg was encamped near Charleroy with a body of ten thousand men. Advices from Catalonia by the way of Genoa, import, that count Staremburg having passed the Segra, advanced towards Balaguier, which place he took after a few hours resistance, and made the garrison, consisting of three Spanish battalions, prisoners of war. Letters from Bern say, that the army under the command of count Thaun had begun to repass the mountains, and would shortly evacuate Savoy.

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From my own Apartment, October 5.

As bad as the world is, I find by very strict observation upon virtue and vice, that if men appeared no worse than they really are, I should have less work than at present I am obliged to undertake for their reformation. They have generally taken up a kind of inverted ambition, and affect even faults and imperfections of which they are innocent. The other day in a coffeehouse I stood by a young heir, with a fresh, sanguine, and healthy look, who entertained us

This worthy youth put me into reflections upon that subject; and I observed the fantastical humour to be so general, that there is hardly a man who is not more or less tainted with it. The first of this order of men are the valetudinarians, who are never in health; but complain of want of stomach or rest every day until noon, and then devour all which comes before them. Lady Dainty is convinced, that it is necessary for a gentlewoman to be out of order; and, to preserve that character, she dines every day in her closet at twelve, that she may become her table at two, and be unable to eat in public. About five years ago, I remember, it was the fashion to be short-sighted. A man would not own an acquaintance until he had first examined him with his glass. At a lady's entrance into the play-house, you might see tubes immediately levelled at her from every quarter of the pit and side-boxes. However, that mode of infirmity is out, and the age has recovered its sight: but the blind seem to be succeeded by the lame, and a janty limp is the present beauty. I think I have formerly observed, a cane is part of the dress of a prig, and always worn upon a button for fear he should be thought to have an occasion for it, or be esteemed really, and not genteelly a cripple. I have considered, but could never find out the bottom of this vanity. I indeed have heard of a Gascon general, who, by the lucky grazing of a bullet on the roll of his stocking, took occasion to halt all his life after. But as for our peaceable cripples, I know no foundation for their behaviour, without it may be supposed that, in this warlike age, some think a cane the next honour to a wooden leg. This sort of affectation I have known run from one limb or member to another. Before the limpers came in, I remember a race of lispers, fine persons, who took an aversion to particular letters in our language. Some never uttered the letter H;

and others had as mortal an aversion to S.

Others have had their fashionable defect in their ears, and would make you repeat all you said twice over. I know an ancient friend of mine, whose table is every day surrounded with flatterers, that makes use of this, sometimes as a piece of grandeur, and at others as an art, to make them repeat their commendations. Such affectations have been indeed in the world in ancient times; but they fell into them out of politic ends. Alexander the Great had a wry neck, which made it the fashion in his court to carry their heads on one side when they came into the presence. One who thought to outshine the whole court, carried his head so over complaisantly, that this martial prince gave him so great a box on the ear, as set all the heads of the court upright.

This humour takes place in our minds as well as bodies. I know at this time a young gentleman, who talks atheistically all day in coffee-houses, and in his degrees of understand

ley Cibber, in his play of The Double Gallant, or Sick *The name given to an affected invalid lady by ColLady's Cure.'

ing sets up for a free-thinker; though it can be proved upon him, he says his prayers every morning and evening. But this class of modern wits I shall reserve for a chapter by itself.

Of the like turn are all your marriage-haters, who rail at the noose, at the words, 'for ever and aye,' and at the same time are secretly pining for some young thing or other that makes their hearts ache by her refusal. The next to these, are such as pretend to govern their wives, and boast how ill they use them, when, at the same time, go to their houses, and you shall see them step as if they feared making a noise, and as fond as an alderman.* I do not know but sometimes these pretences may arise from a desire to conceal a contrary defect than that they set up for. I remember, when I was a young fellow, we had a companion of a very fearful complexion, who, when we sat in to drink,

would desire us to take his sword from him when he became fuddled, for it was his misfortune to be quarrelsome.

St. James's Coffee-house, October 5.

I have no manner of news more than what the

whole town had the other day; except that I to the French king, after the late battle in the have the original letter of the marshal Boufflers woods, which I translate for the benefit of the English reader:

'SIRE,-This is to let your majesty understand, that to your immortal honour, and the destruction of the confederates, your troops have lost another battle. Artagnan did wonders, Rohan performed miracles, Guiche did wonders, Gattion performed miracles, the whole army distinguished themselves, and every body did wonders. And to conclude the wonders of the day, I can assure your majesty, that though you have lost the field of battle, you have not lost an inch of ground. The enemy, marched behind bold as lions.' us with respect, and we ran away from them as

Letters have been sent to Mr. Bickerstaff, relating to the present state of the town of Bath, wherein the people of that place have desired him to call home the physicians. All gentlemen, therefore, of that profession are hereby directed to return forthwith to their places of practice, and the stage-coaches are required to take them in before other passengers until there shall be a certificate signed by the mayor, or Mr. Powel, that there are but two doctors to one patient left in town.

Saturday, October 8, 1709.

Quicquid agunt homines

nostri est farrago libelli. Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86, Whatever good is done, whatever illBy human kind, shall this collection fill.

From my own Apartment, October 7.

There are many, many of these evils, which demand my observation; but because I have of late been thought somewhat too satirical, I shall give them warning, and declare to the whole world, that they are not true, but false hypocrites; and make it out that they are good men in their hearts. The motive of this monstrous affectation, in the above-mentioned and the like particulars, I take to proceed from that noble thirst of fame and reputation which is planted in the hearts of all men. As this produces elegant writings and gallant actions in men of great abilities, it also brings forth spurious productions in men who are not capable of distinguishing themselves by things which are really praise No. 78.] worthy. As the desire of fame in men of true wit and gallantry shows itself in proper instances, the same desire in men who have the ambition without proper faculties, runs wild, and discovers itself in a thousand extravagances, by which they would signalize themselves from others, and gain a set of admirers. When I was a middle-aged man, there were many societies of ambitious young men in England, who, in their pursuits after fame, were every night employed in roasting porters, smoking cobblers, knocking down watchmen, overturning constables, breaking windows, blackening sign-posts, and the like immortal enterprises, that dispersed their reputation throughout the whole kingdom. One could hardly find a knocker at a door in a whole street after a midnight expedition of these beaux esprits. I was lately very much surprised by an account of my maid, who entered my bed-chamber this morning in a very great fright, and told me, she was afraid my parlour was haunted; for that she had found several panes of my windows broken, and the floor strewed with half-pence.t I have not yet a full light into this new way, but am apt to think, that it is a generous piece of wit that some of my contemporaries make use of, to break windows, and leave money to pay for them.

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As your painters, who deal in history-pieces, often entertain themselves upon broken sketches, and smaller flourishes of the pencil; so I find some relief in striking out miscellaneous hints, and sudden starts of fancy, without any order or connexion, after having spent myself on more regular and elaborate dissertations. I am at present in this easy state of mind sat down to my scrutoire; where, for the better disposition of my correspondence, I have writ upon every drawer the proper title of its contents; as hypocrisy, dice, patches, politics, love, duels, and so forth. My various advices are ranged under such several heads, saving only that I have a particular box for Pacolet, and another for Monoculus. I cannot but observe that my duelbox, which is filled by the lettered men of honour, is so very ill spelt, that it is hard to decypher their writings. My love-box, though on a quite contrary subject, filled with the works of the fairest hands in Great Britain, is almost as unintelligible. The private drawer, which is sacred to politics, has in it some of the most refined panegyrics and satires that any age has produced.

I have now before me several recommenda

tions for places at my Table of Fame. Three of them are of an extraordinary nature, in which I find I am misunderstood, and shall, therefore, beg leave to produce them. They are from a quaker, a courtier, and a citizen.

ISAAC,-Thy lucubrations, as thou lovest to call them, have been perused by several of our friends, who have taken offence; forasmuch as thou excludest out of the brotherhood all persons who are praise-worthy for religion, we are afraid that thou wilt fill thy table with none but heathens, and cannot hope to spy a brother there; for there are none of us who can be placed among murdering heroes, or ungodly wits; since we do not assail our enemies with the arm of flesh, nor our gainsayers with the vanity of human wisdom. If, therefore, thou wilt demean thyself on this occasion with a right judgment, according to the gifts that are in thee, we desire thou wilt place James Nayler at the upper end of thy table. EZEKIEL STIFFRUMP.'

In answer to my good friend Ezekiel, I must stand to it, that I cannot break my rule for the sake of James Nayler; not knowing whether Alexander the Great, who is a choleric hero, would not resent his sitting at the upper end of

the table with his hat on.

But to my courtier.

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My citizen writes the following: 'Mr. Isaac Bickerstaff,

'SIR, Your Tatler, of the thirteenth of September, I am now reading, and in your list of famous men, desire you not to forget Alderman Whittington,* who began the world with a cat, and died worth three hundred and fifty thousand pounds sterling, which he left to an only daughter three years after his mayoralty. If you want any further particulars of ditto alderman, daughter, or cat, let me know, and per first will advise the needful, which concludes, your loving friend,

LEMUEL LEGER.'

I shall have all due regard to this gentleman's recommendation; but cannot forbear observing how wonderfully this sort of style is adapted for the despatch of business, by leaving out insigni

Richard Whittington lived in the end of the 14th, and the beginning of the 15th century. He was a mercer; four times lord mayor of London, and three times ward.

ficant particles; besides that, the dropping of the first person is an artful way to disengage a man from the guilt of rash words or promises. But I am to consider, that a citizen's reputation is credit, not fame; and am to leave these lofty subjects for a matter of private concern in the next letter before me.

'SIR,-I am just recovering out of a languishing sickness by the care of Hippocrates, who visited me throughout my whole illness, and was so far from taking any fee, that he inquired into my circumstances, and would have relieved me also that way, but I did not want it. I know no method of thanking him, but recommending it to you to celebrate so great humanity in the manner you think fit, and to do it with the spirit and sentiments of a man just relieved from grief, misery, and pain, to joy, satisfaction, and ease in which you will represent the grateful sense of your obedient servant,

T. B.

I think the writer of this letter has put the matter in as good a dress as I can for him; yet cannot but add my applause to what this distressed man has said. There is not a more useful man in a commonwealth than a good physician: and by consequence no worthier a person than he that uses his skill with generosity even to persons of condition, and compassion to those who are in want: which is the behaviour of Hippocrates, who shows as much liberality in his practice as he does wit in his conversation, and skill in his profession. A wealthy doctor, who can help a poor man, and will not without a fee, has less sense of humanity than a poor ruffian, who kills a rich man to supply his necessities. It is something monstrous to consider a man of a liberal education tearing out the bowels of a poor family, by taking for a visit what would keep them a week. Hippocrates needs not the comparison of such extortion to set off his generosity; but I mention his generosity to add shame to such extortion.

This is to give notice to all ingenious gentlemen in and about the cities of London and Westminster, who have a mind to be instructed in the noble sciences of music, poetry, and politics, that they repair to the Smyrna coffee-house in Pallmall, betwixt the hours of eight and ten at night, where they may be instructed gratis, with elaborate essays by word of mouth on all or any of the above-mentioned arts. The disciples are to prepare their bodies with three dishes of bohea, and purge their brains with two pinches of snuff. If any young student gives indication of parts, by listening attentively, or asking a pertinent question, one of the professors shall distinguish him, by taking snuff out of his box in the presence of the whole audience.

N. B. The seat of learning is now removed towards the window, to the round table in the from the corner of the chimney on the left hand middle of the floor over against the fire; a revòlution much lamented by the porters and chairmen, who were much edified through a pane of glass that remained broken all the last suminer.

I cannot forbear advertising my corresponburied in St. Michael's church, Pater Noster, Vintry. dents, that I think myself treated by some of them after too familiar a manner, and in phrases

casions; and I take it to be the first maxim in a married condition, that you are to be above trifles. When two persons have so good an opinion of each other as to come together for life, they will not differ in matters of importance, because they think of each other with respect; and in regard to all things of consideration that may affect them, they are prepared for mutual assistance and relief in such occurrences. For less occasions, they form no resolutions, but leave their minds unprepared.

that neither become them to give nor me to take. I shall, therefore, desire for the future, that if any one returns me an answer to a letter, he will not tell me he has received the favour of my letter; but, if he does not think fit to say he has received the honour of it, that he tell me in plain English, he has received my letter of such a date. I must likewise insist that he would conclude with, I am with great respect, or plainly, I am, without farther addition; and not insult me, by an assurance of his being with great truth and esteem my humble servant. 'This, dear Jenny, is the reason that the There is likewise another mark of superiority quarrel between sir Harry Willit and his lady, which I cannot bear; and therefore must inform which began about her squirrel, is irreconcilamy correspondents, that I discard all faithful ble. Sir Harry was reading a grave author; humble servants, and am resolved to read no she runs into his study, and in a playing huletters that are not subscribed, your most obe-mour, claps the squirrel upon the folio; he dient, or most humble servant, or both. These may appear niceties to vulgar minds, but they are such as men of honour and distinction must have regard to. And I very well remember a famous duel in France, where four were killed of one side, and three of the other, occasioned by a gentleman's subscribing himself a most affectionate friend.

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From my own Apartment, October 10. My sister Jenny's lover, the honest Tranquillus, for that shall be his name, has been impatient with me to despatch the necessary directions for his marriage; that while I am taken up with imaginary schemes, as he calls them, he might not burn with real desire, and the torture of expectation. When I had reprimanded him for the ardour wherein he expressed himself, which I thought had not enough of that veneration with which the marriage-bed is to be ascended, I told him, 'the day of his nuptials should be on the Saturday following, which was the eighth instant. On the seventh in the evening, poor Jenny came into my chamber, and, having her heart full of the great change of life from a virgin condition to that of a wife, she long sat silent. I saw she expected me to entertain her on this important subject, which was too delicate a circumstance for herself to touch upon; whereupon I relieved her modesty in the following manner: 'Sister,' said I, 'you are now going from me: and be contented, that you leave the company of a talkative old man, for that of a sober young one: but take this along with you, that there is no mean in the state you are entering into; but you are to be exquisitely happy or miserable; and your fortune in this way of life will be wholly of your own making. In all the marriages I have ever seen, most of which have been unhappy ones, the great cause of evil has proceeded from slight oc

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threw the animal in a rage on the floor; she snatches it up again, calls sir Harry a sour pedant, without good nature or good manners. This cast him into such a rage, that he threw down the table before him, kicked the book round the room; then recollected himself: "Lord, madam," said he, "why did you run into such expressions? I was," said he, "in the highest delight with that author, when you clapped your squirrel upon my book;" and, smiling, added upon recollection, I have a great respect for your favourite, and pray let us all be friends." My lady was so far from accepting this apology, that she immediately conceived a resolution to keep him under for ever; and with a serious air replied, "There is no regard to be had to what a man says, who can fall into so indiscreet a rage, and such an abject submission, in the same moment, for which I absolutely despise you." Upon which she rushed out of the room. Sir Harry staid some minutes behind, to think and command himself; after which he followed her into her bed-chamber, where she was prostrate upon the bed, tearing her hair, and naming twenty coxcombs who would have used her otherwise. This provoked him to so high a degree, that he forbore nothing but beating her; and all the servants in the family were at their several stations listening, whilst the best man and woman, the best master and mistress, defamed each other in a way that is not to be repeated even at Billingsgate. You know this ended in an immediate separation; she longs to return home, but knows not how to do it: he invites her home every day, and lies with every woman he can get. Her husband requires no submission of her; but she thinks her very return will argue she is to blame, which she is resolved to be for ever, rather than acknowledge it. Thus, dear Jenny, my great advice to you is, be guarded against giving or receiving little provocations. Great matters of offence I have no reason to fear either from you or your husband.'

After this, we turned our discourse into a more gay style, and parted; but before we did so, I made her resign her snuff-box for ever, and half drown herself with washing away the stench of the musty.

But the wedding morning arrived, and our family being very numerous, there was no avoiding the inconvenience of making the ceremony and festival more public, than the modern way

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of celebrating them makes me approve of. The countenance. As soon as we sat down, he bride next morning came out of her chamber, drank to the bride's diversion that night; and dressed with all the art and care that Mrs. then made twenty double meanings on the Toilet, the tire-woman, could bestow on her. word thing. We are the best bred family, for She was on her wedding-day three-and-twenty; one so numerous, in this kingdom; and indeed her person is far from what we call a regular we should all of us have been as much out of beauty; but a certain sweetness in her counte- countenance as the bride, but that we were renance, an ease in her shape and motion, with lieved by an honest rough relation of ours at the an unaffected modesty in her looks, had attrac- lower end of the table, who is a lieutenant of tions beyond what symmetry and exactness can marines. The soldier and sailor had good plain inspire, without the addition of these endow- sense, and saw what was wrong as well as anoments. When her lover entered the room, her ther; he had a way of looking at his plate and features flushed with shame and joy; and the speaking aloud in an inward manner; and wheningenuous manner, so full of passion and of awe, ever the wag mentioned the word thing or the with which Tranquillus approached to salute words that same, the lieutenant in that voice her, gave me good omens of his future behaviour cried, Knock him down.' The merry man, towards her. The wedding was wholly under wondering, angry, and looking round, was the my care. After the ceremony at church, I diversion of the table. When he offered to rewas resolved to entertain the company with a cover, and say, "To the bride's best thoughts,' dinner suitable to the occasion, and pitched upon Knock him down,' says the lieutenant, and so the Apollo,* at the Old-Devil at Temple-bar, as on. This silly humour diverted, and saved us a place sacred to mirth tempered with discretion, from the fulsome entertainment of an ill-bred where Ben Jonson and his sons used to make coxcomb; and the bride drank the lieutenant's their liberal meetings. Here the chief of the health. We returned to my lodging, and TranStaffian race appeared; and as soon as the com- quillus led his wife to her apartment, without pany were come into that ample room, Lepidus the ceremony of throwing the stocking. Wagstaff began to make me compliments for choosing that place, and fell into a discourse upon the subject of pleasure and entertainment, drawn from the rules of Ben's club, which are in gold letters over the chimney. Lepidus has a way very uncommon, and speaks on subjects on which any man else would certainly offend, with great dexterity. He gave us a large account of the public meetings of all the wellturned minds who had passed through this life in ages past, and closed his pleasing narrative with a discourse on marriage, and a repetition of the following verses out of Milton.†

'Hail, wedded love! mysterious law! true source
Of human offspring, sole propriety
In paradise, of all things common else.
By thee adulterous lust was driven from men
Among the bestial herds to range; by thee,
Founded in reason, loyal, just, and pure,
Relations dear, and all the charities

Of father, son, and brother, first were known.
Perpetual fountain of domestic sweets,
Whose bed is undefiled and chaste pronounced,
Present or past, as saints or patriarchs used.
Here Love his golden shafts employs: here lights
His constant lamp, and waves his purple wings;
Reigns here, and revels not in the bought smile
Of harlots, loveless, joyless, unendeared,
Casual fruition; nor in court amours,
Mixed dance, or wanton mask, or midnight ball,
Or serenade, which the starved lover sings
To his proud fair, best quitted with disdain.'

In these verses, all the images that can come into a young woman's head on such an occasion are raised; but that in so chaste and elegant a manner, that the bride thanked him for his agreeable talk, and we sat down to dinner.

Among the rest of the company, there was got in a fellow you call a Wag. This ingenious person is the usual life of all feasts and merriments, by speaking absurdities, and putting every body of breeding and modesty out of

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One in the morning of the 8th of October, 1709. find by certain signs in that luminary, that a I was this night looking on the moon, and certain person under her dominion, who has been for many years distempered, will, within will pretend to give my lucubrations to a wrong a few hours, publish a pamphlet, wherein he person; and I require all sober disposed persons to avoid meeting the said lunatic, or giving him any credence any farther than pity demands; and to lock up the said person wherever they find him, keeping him from pen, ink, and paper. And I hereby prohibit any person to take upon him my writings, on pain of being sent by me into Lethe with the said lunatic and all his works.

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THIS learned board has complained to me of the exorbitant price of late years put upon books, and consequently on learning, which has raised the reward demanded by learned men for their advice and labour. In order to regulate and fix a standard in these matters; divines, physicians, and lawyers, have sent in large proposals, which perusal of these memorials, I am come to this are of great light and instruction. From the immediate resolution, until I have leisure to treat the matter at large, viz. In divinity, fathers shall be valued according to their antiquity; schoolmen by the pound weight; and sermons by their goodness. In my own profession, which is mostly physic, authors shall be rated according to their language. The Greek is so rarely un

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