minutes at a time, and one day he got to talkin' to Becky Jane Robinson, an old maid deown to Turkey Holler, and it warn't long till he ups and tells Becky Jane that if she hadn't been sich a crank and a crooked stick all the days of her life she might have got married long ago. Then Becky Jane she rose up and h'isted him right eout of the house and whummeled him deown the front steps in sich a manner that he was skurcely able to travel for several days. ALONZO (laughing). Poor fellow! It must have been a severe trial.

MRS. S. Yes, I reckon it was, but it sarved him right, and arter that he kept a civil tongue in his head.

ALONZO. May I ask your name and when you arrived? MRS. S. Yes, in course yeou may. My name is Laurinda Scruggins, and I come from Turkey Holler. (Alonzo starts.) I arriv yesterday and I'm goin' away to-day.

ALONZO. You are making a very short visit.

MRS. S. Takin' everything into consideration it's long enough. I've got my bunnit on neow, and I calkilate to go in half an hour.

ALONZO. I suppose you have never traveled very much? MRS. S. Yes, I have, I've been to Westfield and Swabtown and Martin's Ferry and Tuckertown and Beech Knob and Punkin Holler and

ALONZO.

You have traveled some. I thought perhaps you had always stayed at Turkey Hollow.

MRS. S. Wall, you were purty bad mistaken. I have been to all the places named and consid'able more too.

ALONZO. Indeed! And did you wear that bonnet all the time?

MRS. S. (springing up and raising her umbrella as if to strike Alonzo.) Sir! Who are yeou talkin' to? Shall I whack yeou down on the spot? (Alonzo rises and tries to get away.)

Enter Pauline.

PAULINE (screaming). Oh! Oh! don't strike my Alonzo! MRS. S. Wall, I'm mad enough to strike yeour Alonzo or any other gal's Alonzo. I tell yeou he shan't cast any more reflections upon my bunnit.

ALONZO. I'm sure I did not wish to offend you.

MRS. S. Yeou didn't! Wall, yeou've got a queer way of

talkin' then. I tell yeou, mister, yeou don't know which side your bread's buttered on when yeou git to sassin' me

PAULINE. Old lady, calm down now or leave the house. We've had quite enough of your eccentricities. Do you wish to insult this friend of mine?

MRS. S. I'd break his head with my umberill quicker'n lightning if he'd go to givin' me any sass. He's a baboon --he's a 'rang-a-tang

PAULINE. There! Stop now! Leave my house!

MRS. S. Leave yeour house! Wall, yes, I guess I will. I don't want to stay amongst sich a set of wild cats. Is this feller yeour beau ?

PAULINE. I say go-I'm ashamed of you.

MRS. S. Wall, if yeou should marry him, and he should go to sassin' yeou the way he has sassed me, send me a postal card and I'll come eout here and give him sich a whack with my umberill that he'll mind it for a month or two. I'll go eout neow, but I tell you, young man, yeou've made a narrer escape. I calkilate I know when a young man wants to be sassy, and I know a man from a baboon.

[Exit. PAULINE. I am so sorry, Alonzo, that you have been annoyed by this outlandish old woman.

ALONZO. Why, she's a reglar Tartar!

PAULINE. Yes; and I am exceedingly vexed because she has given you so much annoyance. There is no use in trying to conceal the fact from you,-she is an aunt of ours, but we are heartily ashamed of her. She, with her son, an ignorant country clown, came here yesterday, and they have given us a great deal of trouble and annoyance. She says she came here for a certain purpose, and we sincerely hope she will hasten to accomplish that purpose and go home.

ALONZO. She's the most uncultivated woman I ever saw, Pauline. I, too, like the old woman, came for a purpose. I wanted to make some arrangements for the event which is so soon to make me one of the happiest of men. But I will return again when this old hyena has taken her flight. One kiss, my dear Pauline, and then I will be off. (Kisses her.)

Enter Timothy.

TIMOTHY. Hello, thar! (Pauline and Alonzo startled and surprised.) I don't think that's right. I say, mister, that

gal's jest been a-sparkin' me. She kinder wanted me to ax her to be mine, but I wouldn't do it on akeount of Belinda Jane Elvira Hopkins."

ALONZO (trying to conceal his face, aside). Tim Scruggins, as I live!

PAULINE (angrily). Sir, I want you to leave the house. You are a disgrace to your sex; you are a simpleton, a greenhorn, a country idiot, a monkey.

TIMOTHY. Yes; and you might also add that I am a rhinossemhoss. (Recognizes Alonzo.) Why, Jim, is it you" I 'sposed you had gone to Nova Scotia, or Patagonia, or some other furrin country.

ALONZO (pretending not to know him). Sir!

Them detec

TIMOTHY. Aint hard of hearin', air you? tives give you a hard chase, didn't they? (To Pauline.) You see, Pauline, this beau of yours stole a hoss deown to East Canaan, and the detectives got arter him; but he was too smart for 'em, and he got away. I know the feller fust-rate; but of course I aint noways uplifted on ackeount of it. He didn't stay areound Turkey Holler, but deown to East Canaan. Mr. Robinson, the man what lost the hoss, got the detectives arter him, but he got away. I think neow I'll go eout and hunt up a constable, and we'll git him nabbed right off.

ALONZO. You pusillanimous puppy, how dare you insult me?

TIMOTHY (laughing). He! he! Neow, Jim Jones, what's the use of foolin'? I know yeou; and there aint no use in actin' in that way.

ALONZO (turning to Pauline). I'll go; I'll not stay to be insulted by a booby.

PAULINE. No, stay; do not let this jabbering idiot disturb you. I have ordered him out of the house; but he hasn't common sense, and doesn't know enough to go.

TIMOTHY (aside). Yes, she ordered me eout because the sparkin' didn't turn out accordin' to her expectations.

ALONZO. NO; I'll go! I'll go! I'll not stay here to be insulted again and again. But I'll return.

TIMOTHY. Yes, of course he'll go; but if he returns, I'm a Dutchman. He'll go neow, when it is known that he is not Alonzo, the sparker, but Jim Jones, the hoss stealer. (Alonzo

starts out.)

Good-bye, Jim; I'll have the detectives eout

arter yeou purty soon.

Erit Alonzo.

PAULINE. There, you monkey-you baboon-you-
TIMOTHY. YeOu rhinossemhoss, yeou mean

PAULINE. I hate you!

TIMOTHY. Yeou do! Wall, neow, that's kinder funny. "Taint long since yeou said yeou loved me, and yeou wanted to let yeour heart lean ag'in me.

Sich doin's as that would

have been kind of ridickelous anyheow.

PAULINE (angrily stamping her foot). Silence!

Enter Mrs. Seruggins and Mary.

MRS. S. Come along, and we'll get it all settled up. I'll tell yeou all abeout it. I want yeou to know that afore your uncle Jacob died he left five thousand dollars in my care to be given to the one of yeou two gals that had the most common sense and the least stuck-upishness and hatefulness. I jest come up from Turkey Holler to find eout which one was entitled to the money; and it haint tuck me long to decide. It goes to Mary. Pauline, mebbe yeour lover's got money enough for both of yeou.

TIMOTHY. Yes; mebbe he has, if he sold the hoss to good advantage.

[Exit.

PAULINE (scornfully). Hateful wretches! TIMOTHY. She flops eout of the room madder than a hornet.

MRS. S. Neow we'll go. I guess I've got all my things. (Feeling her bonnet.) My bunnit, my umberill, my reticule. And Mary, good, kind gal that yeou are, we'll be glad to see yeou deown to Turkey Holler at any time.

MARY. Oh, aunt Laurinda, how can I thank you?

MRS. S. No thanks to me at all. Your uncle Jacob left the money. If you want to thank anybody, thank yeour uncle Jacob.

TIMOTHY. I kinder think we ought to thank somebody, too. MRS. S. Yes; that's correct.

MARY (to audience). Well, then, we'll thank you, kind friends, for your generous appreciation of-Uncle Jacob's Money.

[Curtain falls.

FALSE FACES.-ELMER RUAN COATES.

A FARCE IN ONE ACT.

CHARACTERS.

DOCTOR FRANCISCO FOOLEM, Clairvoyant, Physician and Fortune-Teller.
CRINGEY CATSPAW, a sort of man Friday to the Doctor.

LUMPY LIMEBUCKET, otherwise Harriet Wealthy, a self-appointed detective.
LARRY O' LAUGH, otherwise Susie.

DAVY DOORBELL, a servant.

SCENE.-Office of Dr. Foolem.

Diabolism and cabalisticism throughout. A curtained frame in one corner for showing future partners. On stool before table, is the Doctor, reading_newspaper. On his right Catspaw, in an arm-chair, smoking. On wall hangs a conical hat, and a gown covered with professional devices. Chairs, wax tapers, pitcher, tumblers, bottles, etc.

DR. FOOLEM. Hurrah for me, Catspaw!
CATSPAW. Well, what's up now?

DR. F. A good "Lost" column, this morning.
CATSPAW. Anything very expensive?

DR. F. Bracelets, ear-rings, breast-pins, fine gold watch, etc., etc. We'll soon have fools at the door to see the "doctor." (Puts down paper.)

CATSPAW. Ha, ha! The idea of you setting up for a doctor!-you-an old forger just out the penitentiary.

DR. F. So much for wit.

CATSPAW. Did you ever see a medical college?

DR. F. I've seen one and that's all.

CATSPAW. Where did you pick up fortune-telling?

DR. F. From an old gipsy,—a chicken-stealer. For the peculiar method, I gave her the immense amount of five cents. CATSPAW. How about clairvoyance?

DR. F. That I learned, in nine minutes, from a ten-cent pamphlet entitled "Fol-De-Rol; or, How to make money." CATSPAW. Ha, ha, ha!

DR. F. So say I-laugh. Take the fools' money and laugh. Enter Doorbell with letter.

DOORBELL. Letter for (reading)—Francisco Foolem M. D., F. T., C-T. (Delivers it.)