The Ancient British Drama ...

E. Pal. These covenants, knight, will never be Than did the cedar roots, that danced to Orphe

observed;

I'll sue the forfeiture, leave you so poor,
Till, for preferment, you become an eunuch,
And sing a treble in a chauntry, knight.

villagers,

They churn still, keep their dairies, and lay up
For embroidered mantles against the heir's birth?
Am. Who is begot i' the Christmas holidays?
E. Pal. Yes, surely, when the spirit of mince-pie
Reigns in the blood."

Am. What? penny gleek 24 I hope's
In fashion yet, and the treacherous foot
Not wanting on the table frame, to jog
The husband, lest he lose the noble that
Should pay the grocer's man for spice and fruit.
Lucy. The good old butler shares too with his
lady

In the box, bating for candles that were burnt
After the clock struck ten.

Thwack. He doth indeed;

Poor country madams, they're in subjection still;
The beasts, their husbands, make them sit on three
Legged stools, like homely daughters of an hos-
pital,

To knit socks for their cloven feet.

E. Pal. And when these tyrant husbands, too,
grow old

(As they have still the impudence to live long)
Good ladies, they are fain to waste the sweet
And pleasant seasons of the day in boiling
Jellies for them, and rolling little pills
Of cambric lint to stuff their hollow teeth.
Lucy. And then the evenings, warrant ye, they
spend

With mother Spectacle, the curate's wife,
Who does inveigh against curling and dyed checks;
Heaves her devout impatient nose at oil
Of jessamin, and thinks powder of Paris more
Prophane than the ashes of a Romish martyr.

Am. And in the days of joy and triumpli, sir,
(Which come as seldom to them as new gowns)
Then, humble wretches! they do frisk and dance
In narrow parlours to a single fiddle,
That squeaks forth tunes like a departing pig.
Lucy. Whilst the mad hinds shake from their
feet more dirt

Am. Do they not pour their wine too from
ewer,

Or small gilt cruce, like orange-water kept
To sprinkle holiday beards?

Lucy. And when a stranger comes, send sere
miles post

By moon-shine, for another pint?

E. Pal. All these indeed are heavy truths
but what

Do you, the exemplar madams of the town?
Play away your youth, as our hasty gamesters
Their light gold, not with desire to lose it,
But in a fond mistake that it will fit
No other use.

Thwack. And then reserve your age,
As superstitious sinners ill-got wealth,
Perhaps for the church, perhaps for hospitals.

E. Pal. If rich, you come to court, there lear

to be

At charge to teach your paraquetoes French,
And then allow them their interpreters,
Lest the sage fowl should lose their wisdom on
Such pages of the presence, and the guard,
As have not past the seas.

Thwack. But if you're poor,

Like wanton monkeys chained from fruit,
You feed upon the itch of your own tails.

Lucy. Rose vinegar to wash that ruffians

mouth!

Am. They come to live here by their wits let them use them.

Lucy. They have so few, and those they spend

so fast,

They will leave none remaining to maintain them
E. Pal. You shall maintain us; a community
The subtle have decreed of late: you shall
Endow us with your bodies aud your goods;
Yet use no manacles, called dull matrimony,
To oblige affection against wise nature,
Where it is lost, perhaps, through a disparity
Of years, or justly through distaste of crimes.
Am. Most excellent resolves!

E. Pal. But if you'll needs marry,
Expect not a single turf for a jointure;
Not so much land as will allow a grasshopper
| A sallad.

Thwack. I would no more doubt to enjoy
You two in all variety of wishes,
(Were't not for certain covenants that I lately
Signed to in my drink) than I would fear usury
In a small poet or a cast corporal.

Am. You would not?

Thwack. But look to your old widows;
There my title's good; see they be rich too,
Lest I should leave their twins upon the parish,
To whom the deputy o' the ward will deny

24 Gleek-A game at cards, now entirely disus'd. The manner of playing at it may be seen in The Complete Gamester, &c. 2d edit. 1680, chap. 6. p. 64,

[AMPLE takes Elder PALLATINE apart. Am. Pray, sir, allow me but your ear aside. Though this rude Clim i' the Clough presume, In his desires more than his strength can justify, You should have nobler kindness than to think All ladies relish of an appetite,

Bad as the worst your evil chance hath found.

E. Pal. All are alike to me; at least, I'll make Them so, with thin persuasions, and a short Expence of time.

Am. Then I have cast away

My sight; my eyes have look'd themselves into A strong disease: but they shall bleed for it.

E. Pal. Troth lady mine, I find small remedy. Am. Why came you hither, sir? She that shall sigh

Her easy spirits into wind for you,

Must not have hope the kindness of your breath Will e'er recover her.

Lucy. What do I hear? Hymen defend ! But three good corners to your little heart, And two already broiling on love's altar! Does this become her, Ginet? speak.

Gin. As age, and half a smock would become

Enter ENGINE.

Eng. It lies here, gentlemen.

E. Pal. There needs small summons, we are
gone; but do you hear,

We will receive no letters, we, though sent
By the incorporeal spy your dwarf, or Audry
Of the chamber, that would deliver them
With as much caution, as they were attachments
Upon money newly paid.

Thwack. Nor no message,

From the old widow your mother, (if you

Have one) no, though she send for me when she Is giving up her testy ghost; and lies

Half drowned in rheum, those floods of rheum ią which

Her maids do daily dive to seek the teeth
She coughed out last.

[Exeunt ENGINE, Elder PALLATINE, THWACK. Lucy. 'Las! good old gentleman,

We shall see him shortly in as many night-caps
As would make sick Mahomet a turband
For the winter.

Am. Are they gone, Luce?

Lucy. Not like the hours, for they'll return

again

Ere long; O you carried your false love rarely!
Am. How impudent these country fellows are!
Lucy. He thinks you're caught; he has you be
tween's teeth,

And intends you for the very next bit
He means to swallow.

Am. Luce, I have a thousand thoughts More than a kerchief can keep in: quick girl, | Let us consult, and thou shalt find what silly snipes

These witty gentlemen shall prove, and in
Their own confession too, or I'll cry flounders
else,

And walk with my petticoat tucked up like
A long maid of Almainy. 26

[Exeunt. Enter Younger PALLATINE, MEAGER, Pert, the two last being new clothed.

Y. Pal. Don Meager, and Don Pert, you neither found

These embroidered skins in your mother's womb: Surely nature's wardrobe is not thus laced?

Pert. We flourish, Pall, by the charter of thy

smiles,

A little magnifyed with show, and thought
Of our new plot.

Mea. The chamber's bravely hung!
Pert. To thy own wish, a bed and canopy

25 Clim i' the Clough.-See the ballad in Dr Percy's collection. S. 26 Almainy.i. e. Germany. S.

Prepared all from our numbered pence; if it
Should fail, Meager and I must creep into
Our quondam rags; a transmigration, Pall,
Which our divinity can ill endure.

Mea. If I have more left to maintain a large stomach,

And a long bladder, than one comely shilling,
Together with a single ounce of hope,
I am the son of a carman.

Y. Pal. Do you suspect my prophecies,
That am your mint, your grand exchequer ?

Pert. Pall, no suspicions, Pall; but we that embark

Our whole stock in one vessel, would be glad
To have all pirates o' shore, aud the winds
In a calm humour.

Mea. How fares the intelligence?

Y. Pal. I left them at the Lady Ample's house;

This street they needs must pass, if they reach home.

Pert. O I would fain project 'gainst the old knight;

Can we not share him too?

Y. Pal. This wheel must move
Alone, Sir Morglay Thwack's too rugged yet,
He'd interrupt the course; a little more

Q' the file will smooth him fit to be screwed up.
Pert. Shrink off, Pall, I hear them.

Enter THWACK, Elder PALLATINE.

E. Pal. Thou hast not the art of patient leisure, to

Attend the aptitude of things; wouldst thou
Run on like a rude bull, on every object that
Doth heat the blood? this cunning abstinence
Will make her passions grow more violent.

Thwack. But, Pallatine, I do not find I have
The cruelty, or grace, to let a lady
Starve for a warm morsel.-

[PERT and MEAGER take Elder PALLATINE aside. Y. Pal. Now my fine Pert!

Pert. Sir, we have business for your ear; it

And wisdom i' the delivery; you Dismiss that gentleman.

should

E. Pal. A young lady! good!

All the best stars in the firmament are mine.
Our coach attends us, knight, i' the bottom of
The hither street, you must go home alone.
Thwack. I'll sooner kill a serjeant, choose my
jury

In the city, and be hanged for a tavern bush!
E. Pal. Wil't ruin all our destinies hath built?
Thwack. Come, what are those sly silk-worms
there, that creep

So close into their wool, as they would spin

For none but their dear selves? I hear them name a lady.

E. Pal. You heard them say then, she was young, and what

Our covenants are, remember.
Thwack. Young, how young?

She left her worm-seed, and her coral whistle
But a month since: do they mean so?

E. Pal. Morglay, our covenants is all I ask. Thwack. May be she hath a mind to me; for there's

A reverend humour in the blood, which thou Ne'er knew'st; perhaps she would have boys begot

Should be delivered with long beards; till thou Arrive at my full growth, thou❜lt yield the world

Nought above dwarf or page.

E. Pal. Our covenants still, I cry!

Thwack. Faith, I'll stride my mule to-morrow, and away

To the homely village in the north.
E. Pal. Why so?

Thwack. Alas, these silly covenants, you know,
I sealed to in my drink; and certain fears
Lurk in a remote corner of my head,
That say the game will all be your's.

E. Pal. But what success canst thou expect, since we have

Not yet enjoyed the city a full day?
Thwack. I say, let me have woman; be she

man,

And let me singly manage this adventure,
It will to morrow cancel our old deeds,
And leave thee to subscribe to what thy free
Pleasure shall direct.

Thwack. We'll equally enjoy

Virgin, wife, and widow, the younger kerchief with The aged hood.

E. Pal. What I have said if I had leisure now
I'd ratify with oaths of thy own chusing.
Thwack. Go, propagate; fill the shops with
thy notched

Issue, that when our money's spent, we may
Be trusted, break, and cozen in our own tribe.
E. Pal. Leave me to fortune.
Thwack. Do you hear, Pallatine?
Perhaps this young lady has a mother.-
E. Pal. No more, good night.-

[Exit THWACK.

I have obeyed you, gentlemen; no ears
Are near us, but our own, what's your affair?
Mea. We'll lead you to the lady's mansion, sir,
'Tis hard by.

E. Pal. Hard by!

Pert. So near, that if your lungs be good, You may spit thither: that is the house. E. Pal. These appear gentlemen,

E. Pal. Gentlemen, if you please, lead me no
further;

I have so little faith to believe this
The mansion of a lady, that I think
'Tis rather the decays of hell; a sad
Retirement for the fiend to sleep in
When he's sick with drinking sulphur.

Pert. Sir, you shall see this upper room is
hung.

E. Pal. With cobwebs, sir, and those so large
they may

Catch and ensnare dragons instead of flies,
Where sit a melancholy race of old

Norman spiders, that came in with the Con

queror.

Mea. This chamber will refresh your eyes, when you Have cause to enter it.

[Leads him to look in between the Hangings. E. Pal. A bed and canopy!

There's show of entertainment there indeed;
There lovers may have place to celebrate

Their warm wishes, and not take cold: But, gentlemen,

How comes the rest of this blind house so naked, So ruinous, and deformed?

Pert. Pray, sir, sit down:

If you have seen aught strange, or fit for wonder,
It but declares the hasty shifts to which
The poor distressed lady is exposed

In pursuit of your love. She hath good fame,
Great dignity, and wealth, and would be loth
To cheapen these by making her dull family
Bold witnesses of her desires with you:
Therefore, to avoid suspicion, to this place
She hath sent part of her neglected wardrobe.

E. Pal. Excuse my courage, gentlemen; good faith

I am not hold enough to think you so.

Pert. Nor will you yet be woo'd to such mistake.

E. Pal. Not all the art nor flattery you have, Can render you to my belief worse than Myself. Panders and bawds! good gentlemen, I shall be angry if you persuade me to So vile a thought.

Pert. Sir, you have cause,

And in good faith if you should think us such, We would make bold to cut that slender throat. E. Pal. How, sir?

Pert. That very throat through which the lusty
grape,

And savoury morsel in the gamester's dish,
Steal down so leisurely with kingly gust.

Mea. Sir, it should open wide as the widest oyster I'the Venetian lake.

E. Pal. Gentlemen, it should. It is a throat I can so little hide

In such a cause, that I would whet your razor for't On my own shoc.

Pert. Enough, you shall know all:
This lady bath a noble mind, but'tis

So much o'ermastered by her blood, we fear
Nothing but death, or you, can be her remedy.
E. Pal. And she is young?
Mea. O, as the April bud.

E. Pal. 'Twere pity, faith, she should be cast

away.

Pert. You have a soft and blessed heart; and to Prevent so sad a period of her sweet breath, Ourselves, this house, the habit of this room, The bed within, and your fair person, we

27 Squires of the placket.-A squire of the placket seems to be a cant term for a pimp. A placket does not signify a petticoat in general, but only the aperture therein. See Mr Amner's note on Shakespeare's King Lear, A. 3. S. 4.

Cannot be given; though you were in compass
Thick as the Alps,28 I must embrace you both:
You've hit the very centre, unto which
The toils and comforts of my studies tend.

Pert. Alas, we drew our arrow but by aim.
E. Pal. Why, gentlemen, I have converted more
Than ever gold or Aretine 29 misled;
I've disciples of all degrees in nature,
From your little punk in purple, to your
Tall canvas girl; from your sattin slipper,
To your iron patten and your Norway shoe.
Pert. And can you mollify the mother, sir,
In a strong fit?

E. Pal. Sure, gentlemen, I can,

serve,

If books penn'd with a clean and wholesome spirit And soft Indian plumb. Meager, what news?

Have any might to edify; would they

Were here!

Mea. What, sir?

E. Pal. A small library,

Which I am wont to make companion to
My idle hours: where some, I take it, are
A little consonant unto this theme.

Pert. Have they not names?

E. Pal. A pill to purge phlebotomy,30-A bal

samum

For the spiritual back,-A lozenge against lust;
With divers others, sir, which, though not penn'd
By dull platonic Greeks, or Memphian priests,
Yet have the blessed mark of separation
Of authors silenced, for wearing short hair.
Pert. But, sir, if this chaste means cannot re-

store

Her to her health and quiet peace, I hope
You will vouchsafe your lodging in yon bed,
And take a little pains.

[Points to the Bed within.

28 The Alps.-The 4to reads aspes.

Enter MEAGER.

Mea. Laid, gently laid; he is all virgin, sure, From the crown of's head, to his very navel.

Y. Pal. Where are his breeches? speak; his

hatband too;

'Tis of grand price, the stones are rosial, and Of the white rock.

Mea. I hung them purposely Aside, they are all within my reach: shall I in? Y. Pal. Soft; softly, my false fiend; remember, rogue,

You tread on glasses, eggs, and gouty toes.[MEAGER takes out his Hat and Breeches, the

pockets and hatband rifled; they throw them in again.

Mea. Hold, Pall; the exchequer is thine own: we will

Divide when thou art gracious and well pleased. Y. Pal. All gold! the stalls of Lombard-street poured into a purse!

29 Aretine. An Italian poet, whose works were accompanied by lewd prints, of which he was the inventor. They are mentioned in The Muse's Looking Glass, vol. 9. p. 204.

30 A Pill to purge, &c.-In the folio edition these lines were altered in this manner :

"A pill to purge the pride of pagan patches,

A lozenge for the lust of loytring love,

And balsams for the bites of Babel's beast:
With many," &c.

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