KIND INQUIRIES.

THE order made, on the motion of Mr. THOROLD ROGERS, by the House of Commons for certain returns relating to the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge, does not appear to have been attended with very satisfactory results. This, no doubt, may be partly owing to the disinclination manifested at the Universities themselves, to furnish the information required, though at the same time it is quite obvious that the chief source of the failure has been the injudicious character of the questions put to the various Professors, Readers, and Lecturers, whose affairs formed the subject of the inquiry. Great vagueness too, seems to have attended the examination of the present position, and status of the "Married Fellows," to whose concerns the investigation in question was purposed to pay a special regard. In fact, to judge from the irritated and inconclusive nature of the replies to the examination paper drawn up to elicit information under this particular head, it can hardly be denied that that document must have been framed with a singular want of tact and judgment. Probably, however, a still further inquiry will be made, when a few direct and trenchant questions admitting only of simple and straightforward answers, will be put with far greater effect. A paper of inquiry for instance on the following lines could not by any possibility wound any prejudices, and as it would elicit the facts to be ascertained in a familiar and comprehensive fashion, it is confidently placed at the service of the Commissioners.

Have you ever filled the chair of the Bodmin Professor of Polynesian Technology, and if so, state how many years it is since you have had a single attendant at any lecture.

"WHAT IS IT, DARLING?"

WOMAN IN THE WORLD-AND NOW I DON'T!"

(2) To act as permanent Captain on one of the General Steam Navigation Company's Boulogne Steamboats.

(3) To work out a sentence of seven years' penal servitude? Are you a "Married" Fellow? If so, state when and where the ceremony took place, give a list of your wedding-presents, particularly mentioning the number of paper-knives presented to you on the occasion, and describe, as well as you can from memory, the bridesmaids' dresses and the general appearance of the cake.

Have you any children? If so, say how many, furnishing their respective ages, and referring to such proclivities as they possess likely to influence the quiet, or the reverse, of College life.

If you have any boys, have they yet managed to get into the College fountain or hide in the Chapel reading-desk? If so, has that proceeding met with the sanction and approval of the Governing Body?

Have you ever been summoned away suddenly in the middle of a lecture to hold the baby? If so, state how often, and mention any extenuating circumstances that you can allege in each particular case in excuse of the proceeding.

Have you been met, if at Oxford, in the High Street, or at Cambridge at the College Backs, pushing about a double perambulator? Is your mother-in-law a member of your family ? and have you, on the strength of that arrangement, had to provide her with rooms "in College"?

If you pay an after-dinner visit to the common room, does she ask you what low place" you have been to, and threaten to come with your wife, and wait for your coming out of Hall, if it happens again?

Do you consider the life of a "Married Fellow" one to be envied, and, on the whole, a happy one, or do you recall with regret the days when you were an engaged or even a single fellow ?

Would you still continue to consider yourself entitled to the emolument attached to your Professorship if unable to discharge its duties owing to having

(1) To attend to a large practice as a Chancery Barrister.

CONVIVIAL SENTIMENT FOR THE EAST LONDON WATER DRINKERS. -No Eel Taps.

"Touch me; that will relieve me." (Exclamation of a hopelessly and loathsomely diseased inmate of the "Euvre de Calvaire" to the Queen of GREECE, affectionately known as "Queen of the Poor," who was visiting that beneficent institution, among many others of the great Charities of Paris, to the inspection of which she has devoted several days.)

'MIDST the Gay City, Queen of Art and Pleasure,

A Queen more royal yet by far, employs

Days she might well devote to golden leisure
In looking-not on light Lutetia's joys,

Its pomps, its pageantry, its winning graces;

She turns aside from these to search and see

The broken lives, the scarred and shame-stamped faces,
That fill its hidden haunts of Charity.

Hidden? Not from the eyes that mark more keenly
Than critic cold or pharisaic fool;

Nor from her sympathy whose soul right queenly
To sorrow, sin, and shame dares go to school.
"Touch me; that will relieve me!

Cynic mocking

At courtly charity stands silent here.
Soft-nurtured souls might find the ordeal shocking,
Might shrink with loathing, or might pale with fear.
She shrank, she paled perchance, a Queen though kindly,
Yet took the stricken lazar's withered hand.

Men flatter slavishly, or curse half blindly,
The sceptred favourites of fortune bland;

But here's a crown that hath no cruel glitter;
The stoutest democrat, the coarsest boor,
Need scarce assail with fervor bravely bitter

The royallest of names- Queen of the Poor!"

LAW AND LOGIC.-A noble Lord, writing to a newspaper, repeats a statement which he made at the Church Congress, that in certain States of America the law permitted a man to marry his Wife's Daughter. This, he adds, is the logical result, as pointed out some years ago by the late Earl RUSSELL, of any relaxation in the degrees of affinity prohibited by the law of England." Has it, then, resulted from Colonial relaxation of the English marriage-law? If not, isn't the logic of prejudice confuted by the logic of facts?

LAST Saturday a "par" in the Standard, speaking with par-ental authority, informed us that "A College for the training of Actors has just been founded at Berlin, in imitation of similar institutions at Paris, St. Petersburg, and Vienna.",, Mr. Punch says: "Friends of the Drama in England, please copy."

ANNUAL Exhibition at the Inner Temple this week-"The Chrysanthemummeries." There ought to have been a theatrical entertainment every night in the Hall by "the Temple Chrysanthemümmers."

TO CORRESPONDENTS.-In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover.

TO M. LESSEPS.
AT eighty-one,

When most have done

With work and take toddling steps, He journeys afar,

To Panama,

The Brave Old Monsieur LESSEPS.

CONSOLATION STAKES FOR A RESTAURATION. - The Empire not the one on which the sun never sets, but M. NICOLS's Empire, on which the Licensing Justices sat last week-has been refused its licence as a Music Hall, in rivalry to the Pavilion and the Alhambra, by thirty-four votes to twenty-five. M. NICOLS, of the Regent Street Restaurant, had better take this re-buff à la mode pleasantly, as he ought to be satisfied with his café complet, and not hunger for an Imperial stake in Leicester Square. If, however, he intends keeping it on as a Theatre, let him open with some plays which will be quite in his line belonging to the period of "The Drama of the Restauration."

MR. PUNCH AT LEEDS.

bows his acknowledgments. Mr. Punch leans upon his goldheaded hickory, to wipe away a tear, and then heartily congratulates the "English OFFENBACH" on his having for once dropped the

"Offen," and "put his Bach into it." He has been the leading and conducting spirit of the Leeds Festival. Has he not surrounded himself with a strong company, of whom it is only necessary to mention Madame ALBANI, Madame PATEY, and Miss DAMIAN among the Ladies, to show its strength, and Mr. SANTLEY, Mr. LLOYD, and Mr. BARTON MCGUCKIN among the men of might?

STANFORD and MACKENZIE were among the Composers whose works were admirably performed, the latter having written his best in illustration of a libretto called The Story of Sayid, written by Mr. JOSEPH BENNETT, musical critic on the Daily Telegraph,-"JOEY B. is sly, devilish sly," and what more need be Sayid about it? Finally, Sir ARTHUR, taking off his Pinafore, renouncing all association with Pirates and Sorcerers, and giving up a Golden Reality for a Golden Legend, has gone in for serious work of a high order, which of course will pay him infinitely better than his lighter and more popular compositions. It was ever thus. Mr. Punch trusts that it will not be long ere The Golden Legend is heard in London. The Northern city Leeds and London follows, but once again it may be asked, "Why should London wait?"

Really refreshing was the work of Mr. C. V. STANFORD-henceforth "Sea" V. STANFORD-who, remembering DIBDIN, has dipped into the briny, and come out again triumphantly nautical with The Revenge. Altogether, the Festival was a big success; and the Punchian proverb just now in the North is, Leeds must when Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN conducts."

The Musical Critic on the Times finished his notice last Saturday with the following prize conundrum:-"If Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN does not know how to conduct pretty dance-music, what English Composer does?" Mr. P. gives it up. Is there any answer? None.

MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

ROBERT AT COOK'S LITTLE SWARRY.

How wunderfully suckemstances happens sumtimes wen one's a thinking of summut quite different! Going to a hengagement as I had last week at the West End, who shood I meet of all pussons in the wurld but my old frend the Cook of Portland Plaice. Fansy meeting a Cook a taking a wark, and all in her best close too, includin a bran new Bonnet jest like a Briggan's At, and not of a Sunday! I niver was more estonish'd. She cum up to me with that particklar pleasing smile as lovely woman allers wears when she's got a new dress on, and meets a frend as ain't. I felt jest a leetle orkard at fust, remembring the peeculier suckumstances under which we larst parted, but she made no elusion to 'em, excep by saying, "If you'll promise to behave yerself, we shall be glad to see you to-morrow night at our little Swarry as we're a going to have, as all the fammerly's out of town."

Of coarse I prommist to go, and go I did, and I don't no wen I've more injoyed myself. We had a puffecly lovely tea, with shrimps and sardeens and marmarlaid and sossidges, quite like the werry hiest Nobillerty, and a little drop of sumthink nice in the larst cup. And then we had a little danse. I dansed with Cook, and TOMMUS the tall horty Footman dansed with ARRYBELLER the Parler Maid, and our music was one of the werry finest Street Horgans as I hever herd, and played in such a marsterly style as would have delited the Dook of Edenburrow, or any other werry fust-rate Musician. Then we had a little singing. ToмMUS sang, My pretty Jane," which he gallarntly, for the occashun, turned into My pretty ARRYBELLER," at which she amost blusht. Then I sang Symon the Cellarman," and not to be outdone in hommage to the Fare, I substitooted Dame Cooky for Dame Margery, but not with werry great sucksess, as Cook said as she thort as old Symon was a conceited old fool. However, I made up for it later on by reading to 'em my bran new Romance, which I calls The Mystery of May Fare, "by one behind the Seens," which they all declared to be the werry thrillingest, and most exsitingest, and the shortest story of modern times. And as I quite agrees with 'em, I thinks as I shall werry shortly publish it.

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it done, a old gent werry nearly choked hisself with a fish bone! witch of coarse was a warning to all of 'em. Being apealed to as one rayther xperiensed in this kind of thing, I told 'em my thrilling story of the ex-Sheriff who went down all the way to Epping Forrest to dine, and being just a little late, the cumpany was all seated, and wen he saw as they was jest 12, and that he woud make 13, he first turned garstly pail, he then turned on his eel, and, without one singel word of apolergy or egscuse, he returned to the place from wence he came, and acshally went without his dinner! All on 'em thort as this was one of them hacts of self-sacrifice as was wurthy to compare with any as they'd ever heard on. The Butler, who is rayther a littery man, said as it reminded him of Sur PHILLIP SIDNEY'S gallant acshun at the Battle of Waterloo.

We coudn't have no more dansing as the Horganist had left and taken the Horkestry with him, so the Butler he brewd us a perfecly lovely Bowl of Punch, and we set round the tabel and told anneckdotes. Sum was of rayther a startlin carackter, such as TOMMUS'S tale of the last Darby, how he got the strait tip from the Dook of WESTMINSTER'S Footman, and betted with a most respectabel looking gent on the course, and won sewen pound ten, which the gent paid him quite honerabel with a ten-pound note, TOMMUS giving him the difference, and how shortly arterwards he saw the same respectabel gent a being chivied by a mob without no hat, and his coat torn up the back, and all as he was told, because he was a Welshman, and how when he went nex day to git his note changed he found as it was a forgery! He kindly forbore to repeat the langwidge as he used on that ocasion, out of respec, as he said, to the Ladies, but we mite bleeve as how it was rayther powerful!

I told 'em too or three staggerers about parst Lord Mares, witch was werry successful, but the wun as pleased the Fare Sects most, was the account of how we takes it by turns at the Manshun Ouse, after ewery Bankwet to which Ladies of Fashun is inwited, to have the fust go round the rooms with a dust-pan and a broom, to sweep up all the Dimons and other jewels as the Ladies has dropt, with sitch results sumtimes as woud estonish 'em all did I dare menshun it, but we was all most sollemly swore to secresy! They tried werry hard to make me brake my wow, but all in wane. So as it was a gitting late the sollem Butler kindly wound up the heavening by perposing my elth as the Gest of the Party, witch he did in sitch Hlattering turms as amost maid me blush. He said among other things, as I hadded dignerty to my nobel perfession. I trust I replied fittingly, as became my karacter and persition. The Butler told me afterwards that he had seldom heerd sitch a speech, outside the Theatre, which sent me away smiling and appy, for my xperience tells me as we all likes a little bit of flattery, from the werry hiest to the werry lowest, witch must include a good lot on us. ROBERT.

DIVORCE MADE EASY.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,

น

A WRITER in the St. James's Gazette, dealing with the subject of the Divorce Laws, calmly proposes that in any revision of the code, which he strongly advocates, women should be placed on the same footing with men." Such a pestilent heresy of course provoked correspondence, and, as I have made a careful study of the subject, I beg to submit to you, Sir, a few reasonable grounds for divorce, which this reformer will, I hope, include in his precious revised code.

A man should be allowed to obtain a divorce from his wife on all or any of the following grounds:

1. If he sees anyone he likes better than his wife. 2. If his mother-in-law comes too often.

3. If his wife's brother borrows money of him.

4. If she objects to his going to Paris without her.

5. If, knowing that he prefers the tops of the muffins at breakfast, she eats any of them.

6. If she hears him come in at four in the morning, when he has considerately taken off his boots to do so quietly. 7. If she refers to it.

8. If she ever says, "My dear, I think we've heard that story before."

9. If she does not laugh consumedly whenever he tells a comic story. 10. If she objects to smoking.

11. If she is not civil to all his male friends. 12. And female ones.

There, Sir, you have a dozen suggestions which I would commend to the attention of this law-reformer. You will observe I have not included any trivial reasons for divorce, and the procedure, as the St. James's Gazette says, "should be as expeditious and inexpensive as possible." Yours faithfully, Turtle-Dove Terrace. A TENDER HUSBAND.