THE WALNUT "ALL cracked!" Ah, surely, surely 'tis the commonest of disasters, There's MORRIS-place aux poëtes!-who has given up his singing, Like GEORGE the Free-Land sophist, and his henchman, fiery HYNDMAN. All cracked! E'en clever WHISTLER, with his art-cranks and queer smudgery, Though, seeing what they save him in designing and brush-drudgery, Perhaps he is less "cracky " than his dupes. Oh, gentles! verily, Cracked nuts this world is full of, though they often wag so merrily, So solemnly, so sapiently, the maggots few suspect in them, But, like the rift within the lute, close scrutiny will detect in them, What makes the music-no, not mute, for there's a lot of life in it, But cranky and cacophonous, as with tones of a cracked fife in it! ELECTIONEERING IN THE GRAND OLD MANNER. (By Our Lightning Impressionist.) FOLLOWING the lead of one of your contemporaries, with an open mind and a blank note-book, I dashed amongst the Metropolitan Candidates, determined to ascertain their political principles. My first visit was to Mr. T. H. BOLTON, of North Saint Pancras, who met me in Gray's-Inn Square. "Mr. BOLTON, Sir," I said preparing my pencil, "I believe I am right in saying, that you have carried a Bill legalising some very extraordinary ties ?" "I have, Sir," returned the Hon. Gentleman, exultingly placing his right hand near his shirt-collar, and smoothing an effective arrangement" in silk. "I have, Sir, and shall now go about in peace-without molestation." 66 "And what do you think of Mr. GLADSTONE?" "One of the greatest Statesmen of the day." Perfectly satisfied with Mr. BOLTON's views, I rushed off to see Sir JOHN LUBBOCK, who it will be remembered, represents the London University. I found the Hon. Baronet tending some bees. "Sir JOHN, I think we owe to you the Bank Holiday, which has given so many weary clerks a day's leisure ?" "You are very good indeed to say so," he replied. "Yes, I think the statutory twenty-four hours of recreation, which I assisted in establishing, have made the country better." 66 They have indeed," I returned heartily, "nothing could be more delightful than a seaside place, after it has been invaded by a herd of Bank-Holiday trippists. And now, about Mr. GLADSTONE-what do you say about him?" 67 I think him one of the greatest Statesmen of the day." Thus assured that Sir JOHN LUBBOCK, was the best possible candidate for a Liberal constituency, I made my way with the least possible delay, to Sir JULIAN GOLDSMID. I found that amiable gentleman taking lunch with Mr. BLUNDELL MAPLE. "What are your opinions, Sir JULIAN?" I asked. That my worthy friend here, is the best man in the world, and that nothing could exceed the grace, utility, the wearability of his furniture.' "Pray, stop," I said, as I noticed on the cheek of Mr. BLUNDELL MAPLE, a slight blush. "Banish from your mind all thoughts of the Establishment in the Tottenham Court Road." "Which is unique and in the long run most economical," cried Sir JULIAN, enthusiastically. VOLA XCI. THE BALL AT GUILDHALL. SAID GOG to MAGOG, "Now, did you ever?" Hoorush for the Church, and three cheers for the STAPLES!" THE ACADEMY SOIRÉE. (Lines to a Lady in explanation of your Representative's Conduct.) DID I seem worried? Forgive, my dear Madam, me! But at the "Swarry" of the Royal Academy I tried my best to find MARY, the "Prithee, gentle HORSLEY, MARY have you seen?" "No-but LA LANGTRY and DOROTHEA DENE, Also Lady COLIN-what a lovely No. 1093. A lively Sunday at Home, with all Hymns and no Hers. gown!" "Yes-but I'm told that MARY's come to town." "Go ask the President, he'll tell you true, If MARY ANDERSON has said, How d'ye do." 'Tis a good half-hour since MARY has been... gone!" Pray, Madam, change the opinion you had o' me: At the last "Swarry" of the Royal Academy. COMPETITION IN THE FIELD.-The Friday Review, July 2nd. What will the Saturday say? No. 283. Meant for, and presented to, Madame Fortunately the frame-maker has most considerately put the name underneath. I SEE a statement to the effect that the Grand Stand is to be abolished at the coming Henley Regatta. Now, Sir, what does this mean? Does it mean that the magnificent gratuitous luncheons at the various House-boats-most emphatically the "Grand Stand"-are to be disestablished? If that is the case, I for one shall not be present; as I take it, the "Grand Stand," as understood by me, is the only thing one goes to the Regatta for. Yours voraciously, THE FREE LUNCHER. AT that muddle-headed affair, the laying of the first stone of the Tower Bridge, where the wrong reply was given to the Prince to read-how pleased H.R.H. must have been when he found himself obliged to talk about "the first pile" as if he had been engaged in laying down a carpet, when he had been doing nothing of the sort-it is reported that the Bishop of LONDON's dedicatory prayer was rendered inaudible by the cannon of the Tower, which got up their big boom at the wrong time. For even big guns to interfere with a Bishop in the discharge of his office must be quite contrary to Cannon Law. A CORRECTION.-In our notice of the Troubadour, we alluded to the nationality of the talented Librettist as Dutch. Dr. HUEFFER, we are informed, is a Westphalian. Unlucky association of names Whatever Mr. MACKENZIE's music may be, the libretto of The Troubadour is, to our thinking, decidedly suggestive of Worst-failure. DEAR old Mrs. R. says her favourite song is "The Lost Accordion." The Parties have spoiled many parties, Dished many a dinner and Oh, out on JOE's anger and That drove them to war à And if the Midlothian tall-talker Farewell to the Season! How added, casting a critical glance at Sir GEORGE sitting opposite, mature. close May welcome the change to be ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, June 21.-Quite a crowd in the Lords. Markiss early in his place, his black beard bristling with threats of war. The gentle GRANVILLE absent, still confined to his room by his ancient enemy. In such circumstances the Markiss more than ever truculent. Only GRANVILLE, with his benignant smile, his drawling voice, his lisped r's, and his courteous manner, can stand before the Markiss. SHERBROOKE might do it. At one time thought he would. But SHERBROOKE blinks from a back bench, and takes no part in any fray. Evidently finally taken off his armour, and put away his lance. Friday.-Prorogation. Old story over again, with its prevailing tone of depression and its fringe of absurdity. The five respectable Peers disguised in red gowns and cocked hats, seated on the Woolsack; one or two noble Lords in mufti, on the otherwise desolate benches. To them enter the SPEAKER, in wig and gown, accompanied by Sergeant-at-Arms, carrying mace and followed by indispensable Chaplain. Six months ago, when new House met, a turbulent mob fought and scrambled behind the SPEAKER, anxious for precedence. To-day comes a straggling throng of dejected senators, not quite certain that they will visit the scene any more. PETER used to keep his spirits up, even in these depressing circumstances. But PETER is away, fighting with the beasts at Burnley. Members miss his friendly slap on the shoulders, his humorous digitals seeking their ribs, and the sound of his hearty laughter. Will he come back again as a Leader among the Conservatives? Who shall say that, or much else about which men wonder. Business done.-Parliament prorogued. AN EPITHALAMIUM. Presently cause of battle-array explained. In other House Sage [KWANG-SU, the young Emperor of China, is shortly going to be married.] of Queen Anne's Gate, getting up early in the morning, succeeded in adding to Returning Officers' Charges' Bill Clause throwing Returning Officers' costs on Rates, so making possession of wealth less necessary on part of Parliamentary Candidate. Evidently this would never do. SPENCER, with pretty air of doing nothing particular, moved Second Reading of Bill. KIMBERLEY pleaded in vain for compromise. Markiss scornfully brushed suppliants aside, gave an incidental left-hander to GLADSTONE, and declared he would have none of the Commons' Amendments. Ministers capitulated, and the Markiss, stepping over their prostrate bodies, returned to his Castle. In the Commons STAFFORD HOWARD read long paper on Indian Finances. House moderately full at question-time; over two hundred present. But before HoWARD rose, great majority had disappeared, and, ere he sat down, had read all but thirty-two out. RANDOLPH, in sole possession of Front Opposition Bench, listened with interest. Made frequent notes. Evidently about to make a speech. Which he did. A faint wave of interest when he rose, but didn't last. RANDOLPH temporarily blown himself out in his blast against the Good Old Man. Dull and prosy to last degree. Business done.-Indian Budget introduced. Tuesday, 110A.M.-House still sitting, Expected when we came down last night proceedings would last only an hour or two. Safe to be home to dinner. But they dragged on over midnight, and here we are in a languid House beginning to blaze up in anticipation of row. Ireland, of course. Parnellites wanted to go into Committee on Municipal Franchise (Ireland) Bill. C. LEWIS opposed, and took division. For going into Committee, 66; against, 17. BRODRICK moved to report progress. "How many are you?" asked COURTNEY in the Chair. Only fourteen rose in response to challenge. That not enough to justify division. Parnellites wildly cheered. LEWIS raised cry of despair. Useless, he says, for any Member of Opposition to take part in discussion. "Let us leave them to it," said BRODRICK; and the fourteen, rising, shook the dust of the House from off their feet, and haughtily quitted the Chamber amid uproarious mirth of Irish Members. As soon as they were gone, Bill passed through Committee, and Irish Members went home jubilant. Business done.-ST. JOHN BRODRICK shocked. Thursday.-A melancholy gathering to-night. The end of all things at hand. Few Members present talk in subdued voices, as if the corpse of the Parliament of 1886 were actually laid-out on the table where the Mace reposes. Irish Members try to get up row upon Belfast Main Drainage Bill. But it falls very flat. The Sage of Queen Anne's Gate denounces the action of the Lords in the matter of Returning Officers' Expenses Bill. "Monstrous!" he cries aloud. "The House of Commons in the position of slaves to the House of Lords!" But he would not press his objection to the point of division, "leaving," he said, "my country as judge between the Lords and the people.' OH, won't there be noise, When their ruler KWANG-SU; China Must marry-of course, a Man- For each fair Man-chu maid, With her fan all complete; For lamps will illumine each And the bride will be hid, In the wise days of old; And all antique lore can unfold. She'll be swathed to the chin, In a big sedan-chair, painted And rich presents she'll spy, In the Hall of the Jade; Most nobly adorned and inlaid. SU, Let barbarians say, And hold a beneficent sway. MR. ALFRED CAPPER'S Thought-Reading Séance at the Steinway Hall is well worth attending. He is no Mystic. The Séance is exactly what he styles it in his programme an "Entertainment." Mr. CAPPER caps all the other Thought-Readers, and his Entertainment is Cappertal. RANDOLPH, faithful to the last, tried his hand at stirring the stagnant waters. Sir GEORGE CAMPBELL on Monday had said something virtuous about retirement of an Indian Official upon a pension, A LITTLE LATE.-It is fine weather just now, or there would have and his subsequent appointment to a salaried office. CAMPBELL been something peculiarly appropriate in the début on the stage of a himself, RANDOLPH pointed out, had retired upon a pension at the Mrs. MACKINTOSH, at the end of a Rainy Season. The overture, at age of fifty, which was certainly the prime of life; "if not," he her première, should be variations on The Lost Chording. |