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THE TAX-COLLECTOR OF 1852.

CALL A SPADE A SPADE.

A THOROUGH reform in the nomenclature of our "wooden walls" is loudly called for by many persons, who are of opinion that the principal use of a name is to denote the quality of the thing it signifies, and that the present titles of the ships forming the British navy are for the most part rather imposing than appropriate. Accordingly, it is proposed to give our vessels of war appellations of a more characteristic nature, such as "The Blunderer," "The Bungler," "The Sea-Cow, "The Dodo," "The Apteryx," "The Beetle," "The Slug," "The Dumbledore," &c. Such titles will at least serve to indicate the peculiarities for which our fleet, under the superintendence of its present controllers, has become remarkable, and will in some slight degree redound, if not to the national glory, to the credit which is justly due to the Admiralty for the existing state of naval architecture.

It may, however, be argued, with some show of reason, that a thorough improvement in the construction of HER MAJESTY's ships would be preferable to any change, however suitable, in their denominations, and would, in fact, go very far to render any such alteration unnecessary.

WISE MEASURES IN THE CITY OF LONDON!!

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S a rule,everybody ought to exhibit to other people the same liberality that he would expect his tailor to extend to himself: that is to say, to give them proper credit. Acting, as we always do, on this golden maxim, it is with great pleasure that we call attention to an uncommonly acute proceeding of certain Aldermen at Guildhall, on Tuesday, last week, in adjudicating on a question of law. The point under consideration was, the legality of the omnibus cross seats; and, in order to ascertain whether those seats were sufficiently commodious, the worshipful magistrates adopted the sensible step thus briefly described in the newspaper :

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"The Recorder and the Aldermen took seats in the omnibus, to try the effect on themselves."

We do not know the latitude of the Aldermen referred to; nor are we acquainted with the dimensions of the Recorder: and possibly each

JOHN BULL TO COLONEL
COLT.

OH! COLONEL COLT,

A thunderbolt

I'd buy for no small trifle;
But that can't be,
And so let me

Get your revolving rifle!

A desperate blade,
By whom are made

No sort of bones whatever

Of any crime,

At any time

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The bonds of faith may sever;

Attack my shores,
Surround my doors,

Without a word of warning;

Upon me creep
Whilst I'm asleep

And snoring, some fine morning;

Rob my strong box,

And seize my flocks,

Herds, cocks, and hens, and pullets.

I want your gun,

Instead of one

That fires so many bullets.

To guard our wives,
By six rogues' lives,
Whereof we 're each the holders,
If we take care
With skill to bear

Your rifle at our shoulders.

But, COLT, alas!
To what a pass--

To what a sad condition-
Have we been brought,
Who fondly thought
The World's Great Exhibition
Would bid war cease,
And endless peace
With all our neighbours send us,
Whilst its chief boon

Is found-how soon-
Your weapon to defend us!

Loth, loth indeed,
I'd "draw the bead "
On mortal upper story;
But just alarm

Drives me to arm
Against the fool of "Glory."

of those gentlemen may be fully capable of riding "bodkin" in a HANSOM cab without inconveniencing his companions. But we do say, as a general principle, that the very best test of the width of an omnibus seat, or any other, and indeed of the sufficiency of any given space to accommodate any given (human) body, is afforded by the person of a London Alderman. We hope that, in future, in administering justice, the civic magistracy will always approach as nearly as they did in the foregoing case to the sagacity of the procedure resorted to on a memorable occasion by the Hebrew Monarch who was the wisest of mankind.

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A Hair-Drawn Constitution.

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THE French Constitution reminds us of a certain French Monk, who was wont, among other relics, to show a single hair of the VIRGIN MARY. Behold," said the Monk to the folks about him, at the same time drawing apart his hands-" behold, and worship." Worship!" cried a peasant, "why, I can't see the hair." "Can't see it!" exclaimed the Monk, "why, you presumptuous rascal, what would you have? For twenty years I have shown the hair, and never yet seen it myself." LOUIS NAPOLEON shows his hair-drawn Constitution after the like fashion: can he see it himself?

A QUESTION FOR THE SCHOOLMEN.

WHAT requires more philosophy than taking things as they come?Parting with things as they go.

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THESubjoined advertisement is earnestly

recommended to the attention of the nobility, gentry, and clergy who patronise the Homœopathic Hospital, and Homoeopathy and Homoeopathists at large; and who might just as well patronise a hospital conducted on the principles of Patent Medicine:

THE PHILANTHROPIC GEN

TLEMEN who wish to purchase DR. G'S MIRACULOUS RECIPE, (and make a fortune by establishing the health of the people), can be introduced to hundreds, who, after being given up for death by their medical attendants, are now one, two, three, and four stones heavier, although physicked powerfully every day during their being cured, and using from ten to forty pills each dose. For particulars apply to DR. G & SONS, at Street, Glasgow, where they give free advice to their Patients. "MESSRS. N, G, Agents for Edinburgh; more of whom are wanted at home and abroad."

Here is a chance for the "philanthropic gentlemen "-and ladies-to whom we appeal. Let them not pooh-pooh us with the put-off that DR. G- is a quack. What right have they to call him so? Have they ever tested the powers of his "miraculous recipe"? Was not GALILEO Scouted and persecuted, from prejudice, without investigation? Ditto COLUMBUS? &c., &c. If infinitesimal globules are not too difficult for their deglutition, why should they refuse to swallow G's pills-aye, by forties at a dose? DR. G's pretensions may be inconsistent with Homœopathy. But then, Homœopathy is inconsistent with physiological, pathological, therapeutical, and pharmaceutical facts. If Punch is wrong in stating this, the nobility, gentry, and clergy above alluded to, do not know that he is not right. They have never studied the laws of health and disease. What do those duchesses and other persons of quality of either gender know about the science of medicine? Yet they think no geese of themselves for forming an opinion on that subject, into which they have not inquired, in opposition to the judgment of those who have made its study the business of their lives. Personal recovery, after recourse to an alleged remedy, without reference to the question of post hoc or propter hoc, is sufficient for them. Then, why not try G-'s pills? They will not take upon themselves more decidedly than they do at present to contradict the Colleges of both Physicians and Surgeons; both of which bodies, by patronising Homeopathy, they virtually declare themselves to regard as either blockheads or impostors. By all means, then, let them do the same justice to DR. G- that they do to DR. GLOBULES, and that the scientific and enlightened EARL OF HOLLOWAY did to PROFESSOR ALDBOROUGH.

THE HAUNTED AREA OF LAMBETH,

(See a recent Police Report in the "Morning Post.")

"TWAS past the dead hour of the night;
Through clouds uprear'd in fleecy piles
The stars shone out; the moon was bright:
The cats were on the tiles!

The moonbeam kiss'd the crystal dome,
And pale green lustre faintly threw
Upon the beasts that 'neath it roam,
Caged in the Surrey Zoo.

And o'er a roof the high moon rode,
That rose in Penton Place, hard by;
And slumberless in that abode
A Housekeeper did lie.

He could not sleep; but if he could
Have done so, he would not have slept.
He watched-and there was reason good
Why he this vigil kept.

Strange noises had been heard of late
Below his casement, and about
This hour; and he, at any rate,
Would find the mystery out.

The noise had wrought him little care,
Used to the neighbouring lions' roar;
But emptied was his safe, whene'er
'Twas heard the night before!

And, hark! again he hears the sound!
And quick as the electric Post,
He skips below with silent bound,
In time to see the ghost!

A cape-clad figure met his view;
It had a blazing saucer eye,
A glare of horrid light that threw
Full on a rabbit-pie!

And there, that spectre in the cape
Had come, as wont, no doubt, to sup;
And now, in a Policeman's shape,
His pie was eating up!

His step the hungry phantom scares;
It started guiltily, and, lo!
Straight vanish'd up the area stairs,
As fast as it could go!

The features of it 'scaped his sight

So quick it flew; nor could he gain
The number of the gobbling sprite,
To summon it again.

Advice of ELLIOTT, Lambeth's beak,
He craves in this mysterious case,
Who bids him the Policeman seek
On beat in Penton Place.
But trow ye, would that officer
The foul impeachment ever own,
The victuals of the Housekeeper
Even were he wont to bone?
Think, ere that Crusher you traduce,
His garb a burglar might belie;
His form, perchance, the very Deuce
Assumed, to prig the pie.

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ALL the accounts of the French President are full of allusions to "NAPOLEON'S Staff."

On the 10th of April, 1848, the "NAPOLEON'S Staff" was a constable's Staff-which harmless weapon, LOUIS NAPOLEON, Sworn in (the only public oath he ever kept) as a Special Constable, flourished on the side of Order.

On December the 3rd, 1851, the "NAPOLEON'S Staff" was enlisted on the side of cruelty and lawless oppression, and was changed from an innocent Staff of wood into a murderous one of steel-a Staff of Bayonets!

Of the two Staffs we prefer the "NAPOLEON's Staff" of 1848. There is no blood upon it!

TOM BOWLING'S PETITION TO MR. PUNCH.
Her Majesty's Ship Boy-d'ye-see-her,

Spitted, January 17, 1852.
T'OTHER evening, in the Foksle, Sir, as me and HARRY BLANE,
BILLY JONES, and DICKY WALKER, wos a takin' of a drain,
Ven we had spun our little yarns, and sung our little songs,
Ve natterally turns to talk about our rights and rongs;
And, ses BILLY JONES, ses he-"I can't abear-can you?-
Them perwishuns as the pusser 'as purwided for the crew;
Them kannisters, perfessing to be full of patent meat,

Is crammed with things vich decent pigs on shore would skorn to eat.
"They sez we British sailors is the bulwarks of the shore,
That our hearts is hearts of oak, and a lot of gammon more;
But they ort to hunderstand that such food would never do,
Unless we'd heads of oak, my boys, and oak digestins too.
"They sez of one MOLL DAVEY they bought this preshus stuff,
And if that fact be true, vy the case is clear enough;
This MOLL DAVEY as purwides such food as ort to schock 'er,
Most natterally wants to send us all to DAVEY's locker.
"Such conduct can't be born-so I'll tell you wot, my men,
TOM BOWLING here, as used to be a skollard with his pen,
Shall quickly put our grievances all down in black and white,
No ceremony usin' in demandin' of our rite."

So I've wrote it all at length, and I've sent it, Sir, to you,
As hoping you will do your best to let us 'ave our due;
And if you'll kindly print it, Sir, and put it in your log,
Be sure we 'll drink to Mr. Punch whene'er we takes our grog.
TOM BOWLING.

Query, Can MR. BOWLING mean Moldavia?

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ORDER OF THE LATCH-KEY.

E would institute a new Order-THE ORDER OF THE LATCH-KEY. Hitherto, Orders have been of too limited an order. They have been conferred on persons distinguished generally in warfare. They are all refined more or less with blood, claiming in that respect a sweet affinity with sugar. Lately, a few Orders have been given to literary merit; but these shine very faintly, and at long distances, like the lamp-posts at Herne Bay.

But there are other heroes, surely, than military and naval ones? The Army and Navy Clubs cannot, possibly, monopolise all the virtues in the world? Are there not household virtues

that claim honourable distinction just as much as those displayed on a battle-field? Are there not battles fought on the hearth-rug fully as glorious as those of Waterloo and Trafalgar ? Yet these pass disgracefully unrecorded! they are not allowed to shine even with the smallest twinkle of a Star!

It is for this purpose we would institute THE ORDER OF THE LATCH-KEY. It should be founded expressly for the encouragement and reward of social heroes and martyrs. Every one who had fought the noble battle of domestic happiness should be entitled to claim it. Every husband who had bled freely at home should receive healing consolation for his wounds, by being presented publicly with the "LATCH-KEY."

We have purposely chosen the title of the "LATCH-KEY;" and we think it a very hapyy one, because, as the Latch-key is the proudest symbol of woman's confidence in man, so the bestowal of it would imply the possession of all the human virtues on the part of him who had proved himself a worthy recipient of it.

None but the Perfect would be entitled to it! The number of the Order, necessarily, would be very limited.

These are the qualifications we propose, as indispensable in every candidate for the Order: He must have been married ten years; but, if married to a widow, five years of service will be deemed sufficient.

During that period he must never have been out of temper once.

He must have given money as often as it was needed, and always in the precise sum that was asked.

He must never have objected to go out shopping with his wife, or to take her to the Opera, or the Theatre, or to a Concert, whenever the fancy seized her.

He must never have accepted an invitation into the country, or to a picnic, or to a breakfast, much less to a supper, unless he was duly accompanied on each occasion by his wife.

He must also prove that he never was known to object to any of the servants engaged in the household; or to express the slightest discontent, at any time, at the way in which the dinner was composed or dressed.

He must never have kept his wife sitting up for him, excepting he had been detained on a Jury.

He must have received and treated his wife's relations with the same cordiality as if they had been his own; and he must never have wondered "how long they were going to stop?" whenever they brought their boxes to "stop a few days."

He must never have entered the hall, or gone up-stairs, without first wiping his feet on the door-niat.

He must never have attempted to read in bed. He must never have poked the fire after he had been requested by his wife not to do so.

He must never have fallen into the filthy habit of taking snuff.

He must never have belonged to a Club! He must always have respected, with the most unsullied reverence, the Bright Poker!

He must never have expressed a wish for the removal of the child's cot. out of his bedroom.

He must never have complained of the washing of his shirts; and must have had a soul so far "above buttons," as never to have "made a rumpus" about the sudden loss of one.

He must never have brought a friend home to dinner "to take pot-luck."

He must never have wondered "how the money goes!"

He must have been perfectly free from all petty matrimonial vices, such as cruel sarcasms levelled

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