MINISTERIAL DIGGINGS.-In the new diggings, as discovered by the EARL OF DERBY, we are afraid that very little will turn up; for the works are filled with too many Government "placers." ALBANY-I mean MR. SWELLINGTON-has managed it at last, and papa has introduced us. But, oh, how hard the poor young man did try before he succeeded! Suddenly, and I suppose for the first time in his life, he began to pay attention to his dress; and really made himself look exceedingly well. Wherever we went, papa and I, he contrived to meet us accidentally. But it was all of no use. Papa used to give him a good-natured nod, but never would enter into conversation; and poor ALBANY was obliged to go away, day by day, looking perfectly miserable, and wishing, most earnestly, I have no doubt, that the sea would rise and wash away Brighton, or that the French would land an army at the end of the pier, or some other little excuse arise for his speaking to VIOLET BROMPTON. "MISS VIOLET," said papa, all of a sudden, as we were cantering home from the Dyke one afternoon, "you must come to town with me to-morrow to a christening party." "Why, papa, what people do we know that have been having a baby?" I asked. "The Directors of the Circumnavigating Amalgamated Paddle-box Steamboat Company," replied papa; "and their baby, which is rather a fine one, being two hundred feet long, is to undergo the ceremony of immersion at Blackwall to-morrow, at high tide." "O, a launch, papa! That will be delightful. Only-" "The bonnet you had on this morning will, on the contrary, do exceedingly well, MISS VIOLET BROMPTON," said papa, demurely, "and so will the dress." Next day we were at Blackwall in very good time. We were most politely received in a sort of great dark workshop, and were conducted into an enormous yard, beyond which I could see the river. The yard was studded with rows of immense posts, and between them, like some huge black giant fish, was the vessel, with the wrong end towards us. It gave one a great notion of vastness; but I had no time to think about it, for three or four gentlemen, recognising papa, came up. As soon as I was introduced, one of them-it was MR. WEEVIL (he is a dreadfully rich biscuit-exporter, but owns I don't know how many Members of Parliament, and all sorts of things)-said, "There's your bottle, MISS BROMPTON. Don't be nervous about smashing it." I must have stared quite stupidly. Papa says that I can open my eyes wider than any lady of his acquaintance, except one of the great owls at Arundel. "I am to smash a bottle ?" I repeated. "There it hangs," said MR. WEEVIL, pointing. And surely enough there was suspended by a cord from the bow of the vessel, a black wine bottle. It hung half-way down, and a sort of scaffold or platform, covered with red chintz, rose to meet it. "The name is to be Chimborazo, if you please," said another gentleman. "I will write it down, lest at the critical moment it should escape you. I remember on a similar occasion a young Scottish lady's nervousness slightly confused her memory, and a beautiful ship for the Mediterranean service, which it was intended to call the Lacedaemon, went into the water as the Demon Lassie." "But you never mean that I am to christen the vessel ?" I said, quite in a flurry, as the idea broke upon my mind. "Your papa was kind enough to write us word that the Chimborazo would have that good fortune," said the gentleman who had last spoken. "And you never told me that, papa." "Or you would have rehearsed the part, my love, I suppose. Never mind. We shall manage quite well." A very intelligent-looking workman here came up, and touching his cap, said something about the tide. Very well," said the gentleman who had told me the news, and who I found was MR. KELSON, the builder of the ship, "everybody to his post. Will MISS BROMPTON take hers ?" Papa gave me his arm, and I mounted the scaffold with remarkable composure, (what a terrible sentence if anybody should light upon it without seeing what it means!) and on the little platform I found several ladies, friends of the Directors. MR. KELSON, introduced me to a few of them, and showed me how I was to draw back the bottle, and let it break upon the bow of the great steamer. And then he, and papa, and all the gentlemen went down, and scrambled upon projections which stuck out into the river, or upon planks stretched along from post to post at a dizzy height, where they could command a better view of the vessel. We, I mean the ladies, all began to talk and laugh; those who had seen such sights before told as much as they could tell, in a dreadful hurry; those who had not, inquired which way the ship would go, and whether she was likely to fall over and crush us, and why the sails were not all put in and spread out, which we agreed would have made the sight much prettier. And all our little flurry and excitement and chatter went on, and a great number of men were busily at work below us, greasing the wood along which the ship was to slide, when it suddenly occurred to me to pronounce the name I was going to call the vessel. Good gracious me! It had gone quite out of floating creature. But papa told me afterwards that in all private my head. MR. KELSON had forgotten to write it down, and I was dockyards ships are built on sound mathematical principles, and that it worse off than the poor young lady he mentioned, for I could not think is only those built at the expense of the nation that tumble over and of anything like it. It was some mountain, that I was sure. I hastily sail backwards, and are altogether blunders. called up before me all the mountains I knew (just as they stand in the When papa rejoined us, I could not help telling him what a fright picture of Comparative Heights in our School Atlas), but I could not I had been in, and of ALBANY's kind assistance. He listened very hit upon the right one. Himalaya sprang up behind Mont Blanc, and quietly; but when he heard of the pantomime with which the informSnowdon before Vesuvius, and the Pyrenees and Alps and Andes ation had been accompanied, he laughed very heartily, and declared literally danced round me. O, I was so ashamed of myself! there was "something in that young fellow." And no sooner did he see MR. SWELLINGTON looking for a place at the beautiful déjeuner MR. KELSON gave us all, at LOVEGROVE's Hotel, to celebrate the launch, than he pointed to a chair next to me.. ALBANY's grateful dart at it was beautiful to behold; and so was his pleasure, when papa, introducing him to me, thanked him for having prompted a young lady who had forgotten her geography. MAN tumbles into a deep ditch. A well-meaning passer-by seeks to pick him out. "Stop!" cries the man floundering in the mire-"are you a Catholic?" "I am." "You are! Then, go your way, and let me scramble as I may in the filth." Another man's house begins to blaze. And another man takes up a bucket of water to quench the rising conflagration. "Stop! What's your religion ?" "Catholic!" "Be off! and let my habitation burn to the ground." Another breaks his leg. A surgeon is sent for; and is splash of wine, and the next minute the immense mountain was sliding away from before us, like a moving panorama, disclosing a new scene of masts and posts, and workmen, and houses, and flags, all standing out against the bright blue sky. Such cheering and shouting, as the ship, making one plunge, shot out into the water, and then glided along majestically, keeping her position as exactly as if, instead of her being a mass of timbers and planks fastened together, nature had made her a HER MAJESTY, we are informed by the Court Circular, held, the other day, an Investiture of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath, and knighted LORD BROUGHTON, and several distinguished officers. We hope it will not be very long ere we shall be gratified by the announcement that the QUEEN has conferred the Knighthood of the Bath on some clever fellow who shall have contrived to supply every inhabitant of the Metropolis with the materials for that luxury, or rather necessary, in the shape of a cheap and abundant supply of pure soft water. THE LAST IMPORTED YANKEEISM.-A Yankee no longer marries a young crittur now; he "annexes" her. HOW TO SERVE INVADERS. A SENTIMENTAL CANDIDATE. THE EX-Railway King has been recently addressing the electors of IR-Really I must say, Sunderland in a strain of pathos almost sufficient to draw tears from a if you will allow me, policeman's bull's-eye, or touch the heart of the stoutest cabbage. as a party that fre- The following extract must not be looked at, until the reader has prequently derive amuse-pared himself with an extra pocket-handkerchief and a large eyeglass, ment from your enter-in which to catch the copious discharge likely to take place from the taining facetia, that lachrymal glands. Whoever proceeds without taking the precaution you are missing a we have suggested, will do so at his peril. subject wh wd gratify many gents like my self, by an agreeable excitement of the risibles. I allude, Sir, to the Militia Bill & the National Defences, generally speaking, as such preparations for We can appreciate the gratitude expressed by the Ex-Railway hostilities must neces- monarch towards Sunderland, for not having hauled him over its celesarily be attended brated coals. His threat to his family that his ghost will make its with an amount of appearance, is evidently suggested by the Corsican Brothers; but even taxation w I shd de- the realisation of this spectral suggestion is less improbable than the scribe as an awful declaration that the right hand of the Hon. Member will "forget its sacrifice. A little cunning." Such a result is almost impossible in the case of such a seasonable ridicule of very knowing hand. "There are times," said the speaker, "when the stoutest heart quails; there are times when all the feelings of human nature are wrung, and almost call' aloud for support; but I refer to my warm and kind friends surrounding me, and I have said when all have forsaken me, Sunderland has remained firm to me. (Cheers.) I say again, in the presence of some of my own family, who may succeed me ere long, if that family were ever to be ungrateful to the town of Sunderland, I could almost rise up from my grave and curse them. (Hear, hear.) My right hand shall forget her cunning, before I shall forget the favours I have received at your hands. (Applause.) The sacrifices I have made have cost me many anxions thoughts." volunteers & militia men wd be of great view. I am afraid, however, Mr. Punch, that you do not quite partake of my sentiments on the subject of invasion. "For my part, Sir, I have no hesitation in saying that I see no reason at all for spending our money to prevent the French from attacking this country. If they were to come over here, it is highly improbable that they wd inflict any serious injury on us, if we received them with good-humour. They wd only kick us a little, &c., but we soon cease to be unpleasant if we did them the agreeable. Being a remarkably gallant people, I do not apprehend they wd behave rude to our female relatives; but, on the contrary, believe they wd be polite & attentive to the fair sex. There is no fear they wd attempt to destroy us; their object is merely to triumph over us for the honour and glory of so doing. Indeed, that is too much to say; for I apprehend, Sir, that it is merely our army and navy, and not ourselves, that they wd wish to humiliate. Any slight depredations they might commit w soon terminate, & wd not, I shd say, amount to half the sum national defences will cost us. Besides, as soon as we had quietly submitted to them, they wd become our customers; just as their army, no doubt, is now doing in Rome, wh wd soon indemnify us for any little loss we might suffer from them. As for their enslaving us, I shall be most happy to serve them. The French, Mr. Punch, will not harm us, unless we offer them resistance; & instead of paying troops to do that, let us organise a band to receive M. LOUIS NAPOLEON, should that gent oblige us with the favour of a visit, playing, 'See the Conquering Hero Comes !' "Why, you see, Sir, suppose the metropolis were defended against an enemy, even if the defence were successful, there wd be more parties killed, more windows broken, & a greater loss of property than there wd be if we made no opposition. "I am a party without prejudice, Mr. Punch. My views are those of a cosmopolite. I look on mankind as one specie. It might be unpleasant to the nobs for England to become a province of France; TWO WORDS TO A BARGAIN. JAPANESE. "We won't have Free Trade. Our Ports are closed, and shall remain so." AMERICAN. "Then we will open our Ports, and convince you that you're wrong." Finance for Young Ladies. TAXES on knowledge are objected to, and taxes on food are objected to; in fact, there is so much objection to every species of taxation, that but for my part I shd not object to that arrangement: as I do not it is very difficult to determine what to tax. The least unpopular of consider it would be detrimental to business; which is the main thing. imposts, it has been suggested, would be a tax on vanity and folly, and I am quite aware that these sentiments may be thought by some accordingly a proposition has been made to lay a tax upon stays; but parties to be of an inferior description; but, Sir, peace at any price-this is opposed by political economists on the ground that such a its price not being £ s. d., is the motto of that humble gent who has duty would have a tendency to check consumption. the honour to be, "Marylebone, April 27." Your obedient Servant, English Eloquence in France. THE French Academy-on the suggestion of MONTALEMBERT-have offered a prize of 4,000 francs for the best Essay on "Political Eloquence in England." The Essay is to begin with CHATHAM and end with CANNING. Why not rather introduce the practical results of English Eloquence; beginning with the Freedom of the Press, and ending with Habeas Corpus? The Merry Wights of Windsor. THE RUPERT of Debate and his Semitic CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER have obviously cast themselves for the respective parts of Master Slender and the Great Lubberly Boy. When the Earl is asked a question, he wraps himself in official reserve; and when the commoner is pressed for a reply, he implores the House to wait for his financial statement. In short, the one agrees "to cry Mum," and the other "to cry Budget." CURIOUS DISTINCTION.-The English love; the French make love. |