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Ch. Just Not a penny, not a penny; you are too impatient to bear crosses. Fare you well: Commend me to my cousin Westmoreland.
[Exeunt Chief Justice and Attendant. Fal. If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. -A man can no more separate age and covetousness, than he can part young limbs and lechery: but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches the other; and so both the degrees prevent my curses. -Boy!
Fal. What money is in my purse?
Fal. I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse: borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is incurable-Go bear this letter to my lord of Lancaster; this to the prince; this to the earl of Westmoreland; and this to old mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry since I perceived the first white hair on my chin: About it; you know where to find me. [Exit Page.] A pox of this gout! or a gout of this pox! for the one, or the other, plays the rogue with my great toe. It is no matter, if I do halt; I have the wars for my colour, and my pension shall seem the 'more reasonable: A good wit will make use of any thing; I will turn diseases to commodity. [Exit. SCENE III.-York. A Room in the Archbishop's
Enter the Archbishop of YORK, the Lords HASTINGS, MOWBRAY, and BARDOLPH.
Arch. Thus have you heard our cause, and known our means;
And, my most noble friends, I pray you all,
Mowb. I well allow the occasion of our arms;
Hast. Our present musters grow upon the file. To five and twenty thousand men of choice; And our supplies live largely in the hope Of great Northumberland, whose bosom burns With an incensed fire of injuries.
Bard. The question then, lord Hastings, standeth thus;
Whether our present five and twenty thousand
Hast. But, by your leave, it never yet did hurt, To lay down likelihoods, and forms of hope.
Bard. Yes, in this present quality of warIndeed the instant action, (a cause on foot,) Lives so in hope, as in an early spring We see the appearing buds; which, to prove fruit, Hope gives not so much warrant, as despair, That frosts will bite them. When we mean to build, We first survey the plot, then draw the model; And when we see the figure of the house, Then must we rate the cost of the erection :
Which if we find outweighs ability,
I think, we are a body strong enough,
If he should do so,
Hath be, that buildeth on the vulgar heart.
SCENE I. London. A Street.
Enter Hostess; FANG, and his Boy, with her; and SNARE following.
Host. Master Fang, have you entered the action? Fang. It is entered.
Host. Where is your yeoman? Is it a lusty yeoman? will a'stand to't?
Fang. Sirrah, where's Snare?
Fang. Snare, we must arrest sir John Falstaff. Host. Yea, good master Snare; I have entered him and all. [for he will stab. Snare. It may chance cost some of us our lives, Host. Alas the day! take heed of him; he stab.. bed me in mine own house, and that most beastly: in good faith, a'cares not what mischief he doth, if his weapon be out: he will foin like any devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.
Fang. If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.
Host. No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow. Fang. An I but fist him once; an a' come but within my vice ;
Host. I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's an infinitive thing upon my score:--Good master Fang, hold him sure;-good master Snare, let him not 'scape. He comes continuantly to Piecorner, (saving your manhoods,) to buy a saddle; and he's indited to dinner to the lubbar's head in Lambert-street, to master Smooth's, the silkman: I pray ye, since my exion is entered, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long loan for a poor lone woman to bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass, and a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.
Enter Sir JOHN FALSTAFF, Page, and BARDOLPH. Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices, do your offices, master Fang, and master Snare; do do me, do me your offices. Fal. How now? whose mare's dead? what's the [tress Quickly. Fang. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of misFal. Away, varlets!-Draw, Bardolph; cut me off the villain's head; throw the quean in the channel.
Host. Throw me in the channel? I'll throw thee in the channel. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue!-Murder, murder! O thou honeysuckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers, and the king's? O thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed; a man-queller, and a woman-queller. Fal. Keep them off, Bardolph. Fang. A rescue! a rescue!
Host. Good people, bring a rescue or two.Thou wo't, wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't thou? do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!
Fal. Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fastilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.
Enter the Lord Chief Justice, attended. Ch. Just. What's the matter? keep the peace here, ho! [you, stand to me! Host. Good my lord, be good to me! I beseech Ch. Just. How now, sir John? what, are you brawling here? [ness? Doth this become your place, your time, and busiYou should have been well on your way to York.Stand from him, fellow! Wherefore hang'st thou on him?
Host. O, my most worshipful lord, an't please your grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
Ch. Just. For what sum?
Host. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all, all I have: he bath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his :-but I will have some of it out again, or I'll ride thee o'nights, like the mare.
Fal. I think, I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any vantage of ground to get up.
Ch. Just. How comes this, sir John? Fy! what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed, to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own?
Fal. What is the gross sum that I owe thee? Host. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself, and thy money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphinchamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon Wednesday in Whitsun-week, when the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singingman of Windsor; thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me, and make me my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher's wife, come in then, and call me gossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us, she had a good dish of prawns; whereby thou didst desire to eat some; whereby I told thee, they were ill for a green wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people; saying, that ere long they should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath; deny it, if thou canst.
Fal. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says, up and down the town, that her eldest son is like you: she hath been in good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But for these foolish officers, I beseech you, I may have redress against them.
Ch. Just. Sir John, sir John, I am well acquainted with your manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng of words, that come with such more than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from à level consideration; you have, as it appears to me, practised upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses both in purse and Host. Yea, in troth, my lord. [person.
Ch. Just. Pr'ythee, peace:-Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villainy you have done with her; the one you may do with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.
Fal. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply. You call honourable boldness, impudent sauciness: if a man will make court'sy, and say nothing, he is virtuous: No, my lord, my humble duty remembered, I will not be your suitor; I say to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty employment in the king's affairs.
Ch. Just. You speak as having power to do wrong: but answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman.
Fal. Come hither, hostess. (Taking her aside.) Enter GOWER.
Ch. Just. Now, master Gower; What news?
Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
Host. Nay, you said so before.
words of it.
-Come, no more
Host. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawn both my plate, and the tapestry of my dining-chambers,
Fal. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking: and for thy walls,-a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the prodigal, or the German hunting in waterwork, is worth a thousand of these bed-hangings, and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou canst. Come, an it were not for thy humours, there is not a better wench in England. Go,
KING HENRY IV.
wash thy face, and 'draw thy action: Come, thou
Host. Pray thee, sir John, let it be but twenty
Fal. Will I live?-Go, with her, with her; (to
[Exeunt Hostess, Bardolph, Officers,
Ch. Just. I have heard better news.
Fal. I hope, my lord, all's well: What's the news, my lord?
Ch. Just. Come all his forces back?
Ch. Just. You shall have letters of me presently:
Ch. Just. What's the matter?
Ch. Just. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go. Fal. Will you sup with me, master Gower? Ch. Just. What foolish master taught you these manners, sir John?
Fal. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that taught them me.-This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair. Ch. Just. Now the Lord lighten thee! thou art a great fool. [Exeunt.
SCENE II.-The same. Another Street.
Enter Prince HENRY and POINS.
P. Hen. Trust me, I am exceeding weary. Poins. Is it come to that? I had thought, weariness durst not have attached one of so high blood. P. Hen. 'Faith, it does me; though it discolours the complexion of my greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it not show vilely in me, to desire small beer? Poins. Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied, as to remember so weak a composition.
P. Hen. Belike then, my appetite was not princely got; for, by my troth, I do now remember the poor creature, small beer. But, indeed, these humble considerations make me out of love with my greatness. What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name? or to know thy face to-morrow? or to take note how many pair of silk stockings thou hast ; viz. these, and those that were the peach-colour'd ones? or to bear the inventory of thy shirts; as, one for superfluity, and one other for use?-but that, the tennis-court keeper knows better than I; for it is a low ebb of linen with thee, when thou keepest not racket there; as thou hast not done a great while, because the rest of thy low-countries have made a shift to eat up thy holland: and God knows, whether those, that bawl out the ruins of thy linen, shall inherit his kingdom: but the midwives say, the children are not in the fault; whereupon the world increases, and kindreds are mightily strengthened.
Poins, How ill it follows, after you have laboured
353 so hard, you should talk so idly? Tell me, how many good young princes would do so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this time is? P.Hen. Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins? Poins. Yes; and let it be an excellent good thing. P. Hen. It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding than thine. Poins. Go to; I stand the push of your one thing [that you will tell. should be sad, now my father is sick : albeit I could P. Hen. Why, I tell thee,-it is not meet, that I better, to call my friend,) I could be sad, and sad tell to thee, (as to one it pleases me, for fault of a indeed too.
Poins. Very hardly, upon such a subject.
the devil's book, as thou, and Falstaff, for obduracy P. Hen. By this hand, thou think'st me as far in and persistency: Let the end try the man. But I tell thee, my heart bleeds inwardly, that my father is so sick and keeping such vile company as thou art, hath in reason taken from me all ostentation of Poins. The reason?
P. Hen. What would'st thou think of me, if I should weep?
Poins. I would think thee a most princely hypo-
Poins. Why, because you have been so lewd,
P. Hen. And to thee.
hear it with my own ears: the worst that they can
P. Hen. And the boy that I gave Falstaff; he had
Enter BARDOLPH and Page.
P. Hen. And yours, most noble Bardolph!
Bard. Come, you virtuous ass, (to the Page) you bashful fool, must you be blushing? wherefore blush you now? What a maidenly man at arms are you become? Is it such a matter, to get a pottlepot's maidenhead?
Page. He called me even now, my lord, through from the window at last, I spied his eyes; and, a red lattice, and I could discern no part of his face methought, he had made two holes in the ale-wife's new petticoat, and peeped through.
P. Hen. Hath not the boy profited?
Bard. Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away!
P. Hen. A crown's worth of good interpretation.
Bard. An you do not make him be hanged among
P. Hen. And how doth thy master, Bardolph?
Bard. In bodily health, sir.
Poins. Marry, the immortal part needs a physi-
P. Hen. I do allow this wen to be as familiar with me as my dog: and he holds his place; for, look you, how he writes.
Poins. (Reads.) John Falstaff, knight,-Every man must know that, as oft as he has occasion to name himself. Even like those, that are kin to the king; for they never prick their finger, but they say, There is some of the king's blood spilt: How comes that? says he, that takes upon him not to conceive: the answer is as ready as a borrower's cap; I am the king's poor cousin, sir.
P. Hen. Nay, they will be kin to us, or they will fetch it from Japhet. But the letter:
Poins. Sir John Falstaff, knight, to the son of the king, nearest his father, Harry prince of Wales, greeting. Why, this is a certificate.
P. Hen. Peace!
Poins. I will imitate the honourable Roman in brevity:-he sure means brevity in breath; shortwinded. I commend me to thee, I commend thee, and I leave thee. Be not too familiar with Poins; for he misuses thy favours so much, that he swears, thou art to marry his sister Nell. Repent at idle times as thou may'st, and so farewell.
Thine, by yea and no, (which is as much as to say, as thou usest him,) Jack Falstaff, with my familiars; John, with my brothers and sisters; and sir John, with all Europe. My lord, I will steep this letter in sack, and make him eat it.
P. Hen. That's to make him eat twenty of his words. But do you use me thus, Ned? must I marry your sister? [but I never said so. Poins. May the wench have no worse fortune! P. Hen. Well, thus we play the fools with the time; and the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds, and mock us.-Is your master here in London? Bard. Yes, my lord.
P. Hen. Where sups he? doth the old boar feed in the old frank?
Bard. At the old place, my lord; in Eastcheap. P. Hen. What company?
Page. Ephesians, my lord; of the old church. P. Hen. Sup any women with him?
Page. None, my lord, but old mistress Quickly, and mistress Doll Tear-sheet.
P. Hen. What pagan may that be? Page. A proper gentlewoman, sir, and a kinswoman of my master's.
P. Hen. Even such kin, as the parish heifers are to the town bull.-Shall we steal upon them, Ned, at supper? [you. Poins. I am your shadow, my lord; I'll follow P. Hen. Sirrah, you boy,-and Bardolph ;-no word to your master, that I am yet come to town: There's for your silence.
Bard. I have no tongue, sir.
Page. And for mine, sir,-I will govern it. P. Hen. Fare ye well; go. [Exeunt Bardolph and Page.]-This Doll Tear-sheet should be some road. Poins. I warrant you, as common as the way between St. Alban's and London.
P. Hen. How might we see Falstaff bestow himself to-night in his true colours, and not ourselves be seen?
Poins. Put on two leather jerkins, and aprons, and wait upon him at his table as drawers.
Put not you on the visage of the times,
The time was, father, that you broke your word,
In military rules, humours of blood,
O, fly to Scotland,
Then join you with them, like a rib of steel,
North. Come, come, go in with me: 'tis with my As with the tide, swell'd up unto its height, That makes a still-stand, running neither way. Fain would I go to meet the archbishop, But many thousand reasons hold me back :I will resolve for Scotland; there am I,
P. Hen. From a god to a bull? a heavy descension! it was Jove's case. From a prince to a pren-Till time and vantage crave my company. [Exeunt.
tice? a low transformation! that shall be mine: for, in every thing, the purpose must weigh with the folly. Follow me, Ned. [Exeunt.
SCENE III.-Warkworth. Before the Castle. Enter NORTHUMBERLAND, Lady NORTHUMBERLAND, and Lady PERCY.
North. I pray thee, loving wife, and gentle daughGive even way unto my rough affairs:
SCENE IV.-London. A Room in the Boar's Head Tavern, in Eastcheap.
Enter Two Drawers.
1 Draw. What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-Johns? thou know'st, sir John cannot endure an apple-John.
2 Draw. Mass, thou sayest true: The prince once
set a dish of apple-Johns before him, and told him, there were five more sir Johns: and, putting off his hat, said, I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights. It angered him to the heart; but he hath forgot that.
1 Draw. Why then, cover, and set them down: And see if thou canst find out Sneak's noise; mistress Tear-sheet would fain hear some music. Despatch: -The room where they supped, is too hot; they'll come in straight.
2 Draw. Sirrah, here will be the prince, and master Poins anon: and they will put on two of our jerkins, and aprons; and sir John must not know of it: Bardolph hath brought word.
1 Draw. By the mass, here will be old utis: It will be an excellent stratagem,
2 Draw. I'll see if I can find out Sneak. [Exit.
Enter Hostess and DOLL TEAR-SHEET. Host. I'faith, sweet heart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose : But, i'faith, you have drunk too much canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say,-What's this? How do Doll. Better than I was. Hem. [you now? Host. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold. Look, here comes sir John.
Enter FALSTAFF, singing.
Fal. When Arthur first in court-Empty the jordan.-And was a worthy king: [Exit Drawer.] How now, mistress Doll?
Host. Sick of a calm: yea, good sooth. Fal. So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick. [you give me? Doll. You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort Fal. You make fat rascals, mistress Doll. Doll. I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not.
Fal. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.
Doll. Ay, marry; our chains and our jewels. Fal. Your brooches, pearls, and owches;-for to serve bravely, is to come halting off, you know: To come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers bravely:[yourself! Doll. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang Host. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet, but you fall to some discord: you are both, in good troth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be you: (to Doll) you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.
Doll. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold.-Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again, or no, there is nobody cares.
Host. Pray you, pacify yourself, sir John; there comes no swaggerers here.
Fal. Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient. Host. Tilly-fally, sir John, never tell me; your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before master Tisick, the deputy, the other day; and, as he said to me,-it was no longer ago than Wednesday last,-Neighbour Quickly, says he;master Dumb, our minister, was by then;-Neighbour Quickly, says he, receive those that are civil; for, saith he, you are in an ill name;—now he said So, I can tell whereupon; for, says he, you are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed what guests you receive: Receive, says he, no swaggering companions.-There come none here;you would bless you to hear what he said :-no, I'll no swaggerers.
Fal. He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, he; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound: he will not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.Call him up, drawer.
Host. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater: But I do not love swaggering: by my troth, I am the worse, when one says-swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you.
Doll. So you do, hostess.
Host. Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.
Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and Page.
Fal. Welcome, ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.
Pist. I will discharge upon her, sir John, with two bullets. [offend her. Fal. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly Host. Come, I'll drink no proofs, nor no bullets: I'll drink no more than will do me good, for no [charge you. man's pleasure, I.
Pist. Then to you, mistress Dorothy; I will Doll. Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.
Pist. I know you, mistress Dorothy.
Doll. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you baskethilt stale juggler, you!-Since when, I pray you, sir?-What, with two points on your shoulder? much!
Pist. I will murder your ruff for this.
Fal. No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here: discharge yourself of our company, Pistol. Host. No, good captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.
Doll. Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called-captain? If captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You a captain, you slave! for what? for tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdyhouse?-He a captain! Hang him, rogue! He lives upon mouldy stewed prunes, and dried cakes. A captain! these villains will make the word captain as odious as the word occupy; which was an exDoll. Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come hither: it is the foul mouth'dst rogue in Eng-cellent good word before it was ill sorted: there
Draw. Sir, ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with you.
Host. If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my faith; I must live amongst my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best :-Shut the door;-there comes no swaggerers here: I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now:-shut the door, I pray you. Fal. Dost thou hear, hostess?
fore captains had need look to it.
Bard. Pray thee, go down, good ancient.
Pist. I'll see her damned first;-to Pluto's damned lake, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and