"OH, NO, WE NEVER MENTION HIM!" [HER MAJESTY in the evening witnessed the performance of The Gondoliers, a Comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, in the Waterloo Chamber, by the Savoy Theatre Company, under the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE.-From the Times Court Circular, Monday, March 9.] "A COMIC Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN." Quite so. But where does W. S. GILBERT come in? Let us see. After giving the programme, and after giving all the characters and the supers, the words "Dramatis Persona" occur as an after-thought, and underneath are the names of the Musical Director, Stage Manager, Wig Provider, &c., &c. Well, "W. 8. G." doesn't come in here. After the highly successful performance, R. D'OYLY CARTE, says the Times C. C., "had the honour of being presented to HER MAJESTY, who expressed her warm appreciation of the manner in which the performance was conducted." Did R. D'OYLY think of mentioning that "the words" were by W. 8. G. ? And then it is told how D'OYLY refused to take any payment for the performance. Noble, generous-hearted, largeminded, and liberal D'OYLY! Sir ARTHUR COURTLY SULLIVAN's name was to the Bill, and so his consent to this extra act of generosity may be taken for granted. But what said Sir BRIAN DE BOIS GILBERT? By the merry-maskins, but an he be not pleased, dub me knight Samingo! Will D'OYLY be dubbed Knight? And what sort of a Knight? Well, remembering a certain amusing little episode in the more recent history of the Savoy Theatre, why not Carpet Knight"? 66 A MERE SUGGESTION FOR NEXT TIME.-Last Tuesday, under the heading of "To-day," the Times announced that "at the Society of Arts Mr. J. STARKIE GARDNER, as Cantor Lecturer, would discourse on Enamelling and Damascening,' Professor H. HERKOMER being in the Chair." Our excellent Bushian Professor was the right man in the right place, being so interested in theatrical matters; but, at the same time, wouldn't the lecture on "Damascening," or How to Dam-a-scene," have been more suitably given at the Playwreckers' Club, with Mr. JERUMKY JERUM in the Chair? 66 SONG OF THE BELLS OF RICHMOND.-"Turn again, WHITTAKER, First Mayor of Richmond." ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9.-Naval Estimates on again. Approach delayed by action of CAMERON; House been Counted Out on Friday; necessary for Government to set up Supply again; formal Motion made by JACKSON; CAMERON objects; deeply distressed to think that Government should have fallen so low as to permit Count Out. "It's really shocking," he said. "Here we are brought from our peaceful homes to London at this inclement season, to do the work of the nation. Assembled as usual on a Friday night; important business on; Ministers and their friends go off to dinner; and, it being found there are not Forty Members present, House is Counted Out at half-past eight. Night absolutely lost; Sitting criminally chucked away." "Ah!" I said, sympathetically; "must have been very hard upon you, sternly attending to your duty whilst others gambolled in the shade. And then to be suddenly Counted Out! How many of you were there when the Count was so is made?" "Count" Cameron. "Well-er-you see, TOBY," said CAMERON, almost blushing; "the fact is I wasn't there myself, though that, of course, does not deter me from invoking censure on Ministers. Indeed I am not sure that the circumstance doesn't place A NEW SECT. "AND IS THE NEW CURATE MARRIED, MRS. JENKINS?" "OH NO, MA'AM. HE'S WHAT THEY CALL A CHALYBEATE!" me in a more favourable position. Outsiders, you know, see most of game. I was outside; had, in fact, comfortably gone off to dinner, expecting other people would stop to make House. But they didn't, and I feel I'm just the man to make it hot for OLD MORALITY and his friends, who ought to have been here." Other people didn't seem to see it in quite that light. Condemnatory Motion negatived by 184 Votes against 42. House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore HARCOURT appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, diffusing unwonted smell of stale mussels and seaweed. Commodore looked very imposing pacing down quarter-deck towards Mace, with telescope under his arm, sou'wester pulled well over his ears, and unpolished square-toed boots rising above his knees. A blizzard outside; snow and wind; bitterly cold; but the Commodore soon made it hot all round. Fell upon JOKIM spars and sails, stem and starn. "Regularly claw-hammered him," as GEORGE HAMILTON said, drawing on naval resources for adequate adjective. Accused him of making a speech that would have become CHARLES THE FIRST. Talked about levying Ship Money; threatened a revolution; hinted at HAMPDEN, and, unrebuked by the SPEAKER, called unoffending Prince ARTHUR the "youthful STRAFFORD." Splendid performance, only wanting an audience. But the storm inside House burst as suddenly as the blizzard without. Nobody knew that the Commodore was close-hauled, and meant business. Few present to witness the perturbed scene on the Treasury Bench:-OLD MORALITY huddled up against GEORGIE HAMILTON, who was nervously tearing sheet of paper into measured strips; JOKIM shaking in every limb, and white to the lips; Prince ARTHUR most successful of the group in maintaining his self-possession, though evidently not liking the reference to STRAFFORD. The Commodore, looking in his tarpaulins considerably more than six foot high. stormed and raged what time the snow and sleet beat a wild accompaniment on the melancholy windows. Business done.-Commodore HARCOURT goes again on the rampage. Tuesday.-HOWARD VINCENT rather staggered to-night. Favoured by fortune and the ballot, had secured first place for Motion on Friendly Societies. Useful thing for coming General Election to be remembered as advocate of cause of Working Man. Bestowed much Friday Night.-Lo! a strange thing happened. Fell asleep just care on terms of Resolution; invited Government to encourage more now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no one outside House can general voluntary provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar voice. 'Twas the voice of dragged in the axiom that "Sound prin- Prince ARTHUR, I heard him complain; something about Groundciples of provident Insurance should be rents in London. Not quite his subject; voice, too, didn't seem to included in the subjects prescribed by come from Treasury Bench. But no mistaking it; same tone; same the Education Code for instruction in inflection. Now I come to think of it, more like way he used to talk elementary schools." That meant to draw before he came to govern Ireland. Opened eyes; looked down; OLD MORALITY; succeeded à merveille. behold! it was brother GERALD, opposing STUART's Motion on Land Tax. Very odd; think I'll go to sleep again. Business done.-Slept. Herbert Maxwell Performed his task well. Anon. 66 · TOBY, dear boy," he said to me, half closing his eyes, and folding his arms, whilst a far-away look melted into newer softness his kindly countenance, "that reminds me of old days. Many a time have I written out in my copybook, 'Take care of your Neighbour's Pence, and your own Pounds will Take ONCE I flourished unmolested, now my troubles never cease: Care of Themselves.' Borrow an Um-Man, investigating monster, will not let me rest in peace. brella, and put it away for a Rainy I am ta'en from friends and kindred, from my newly-wedded bride, Day.' Half a Currant Bun is better And exposed-it's really shameless-on a microscopic slide. than No Bread'; A Bird in a Pigeon Sure some philbacillic person a Society should start Pie is better than three in the Bush.' For Protection of Bacilli from the Doctor's baleful art. Got heaps of copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. KоCH the evil game first started, and his lymph came squirming in, HOWARD VINCENT is quite right. If But, 'twixt you and me, Bacilli did not care a single pin. there was more of this in our elementary We went elsewhere in the body, and it only made us roam, schools, there would be, if I may say so, But it's hard, you must admit it, to be worried from your home, more men like me. You remember what And methinks the hapless patient had much rather we had rest, Who's-This said, 'Let me write their When he finds us wildly rushing up and down his tortured breast. copy-book headings, and I don't care who Then came BERNHEIM and his dodges; his specific is to flood makes their laws.' HOWARD VINCENT is All the circulation freely with injections of goat's blood. on the right tack; think we shall accept That is really rather soothing, and it doesn't seem to hurt, his Resolution." Though they lacerate your feelings with an automatic squirt; Time will show if it's effective, but 'twill be revenge most sweet If the patients take to butting every single soul they meet. Next fierce LIEBRIECH, quite a savage, has declared that we shall die Shattered and exacerbated by attacks of Spanish fly. We should like to ask the patient if he thinks he'll live at ease, With his system impregnated with that vile cantharides ? We perchance may fall before it, waging an unequal strife, But it's any odds the patient will be blistered out of life. Therefore, O my friends, take heart, and these indignities endure, Although every week brings news of an indubitable cure; We have lived and flourished freely ever since the world began, And our lineage is as ancient surely as is that of man; While I'll venture the prediction, as a wind-up to my song, That, despite these dreadful Doctors, we may haply live as long. THE SONG OF THE BACILLUS. [Not a week passes without our hearing of a fresh agent to destroy the Bacillus.] So it would have been, if that eminent strategist had foregone his speech. If he had laid Resolution on the table, and said, "There you are," Government would have accepted it, and he would have had a night of triumph. But he would speak. Spoke for an hour, and utterly ruined chances of the Resolution he recommended. HERBERT MAXWELL, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for Government, did his work admirably. After fearful fiasco with CHAPLIN last Friday, OLD MORALITY checked disposition to give young Ministers opportunity of distinguishing themselves. If MAXWELL made a mull of this, following on Friday week's catastrophe with CHAPLIN, it would be serious. MAXWELL won more than negative credit of not making mistake. He delivered excellent speech, showing complete mastery of subject. Business done.-House Counted Out again. Towards midnight Prince ARTHUR, Explanation of singular abstention is, that business under discussion is all in Ireland. Prince ARTHUR asks for £55,000 for that purpose; wouldn't do for Irish Members to obey their first Mr. Swift M'Neill "prating." instinct, and oppose Vote moved by Chief Secretary. If they were there, they might be expected to say, (A Fragment from a History of the Future.) AND so it happened that the King was taken and imprisoned, no one knew whither. His followers, saving one, treated the matter very calmly. The exception, who was supposed to be wanting in his wits (he played on the barrel-organ), determined to do his best to rescue his Royal Master; and an idea occurred to him. He had noticed that when he performed on his musical instrument those who, perforce, were obliged to listen to him acted strangely. Some of his audiences had frowned, others had shaken their fists at him, and all had gone quickly away. Only once had a loiterer stayed behind, smiling a sweet smile, as if he were enjoying the music. To his regret, BLONDEL subsequently ascertained that the apparently charmed listener was stone deaf. So he argued that if his music had so great an effect upon the population of his native village it would work marvels in the wide world without. And thus, with a heart full of hope and courage, he started on his travels. He wandered, turning the handle of his organ, for many a weary mile. He passed through towns, hamlets, and cities; the people put their heads out of their windows, and urged him imperiously to be gone; and as he hurried away he gazed at their faces, hoping to have seen the King, his Master, but without avail. He felt, that were His Majesty to hear his music, there would be a further supply of language savouring rather of the dicing-house than the cathedral. But, alas! his search was in vain. At length, he reached London, and found it as silent as the grave! There were no German bands, no Niggers, not even a hurdy-gurdy! Greatly surprised, BLONDEL asked a policeman the meaning of this strange, this unlooked-for quietude! "Strike up that organ of yours," said the constable, surlily, "and I will soon show you!" BLONDEL turned his handle, and was immediately arrested. "What for?" echoed the policeman; "why, for infringing the provisions of the Jacobi Street Music Prohibition Act!" And with this brief explanation BLONDEL was carried off to prison! NOTICE.-Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope. Cover or Wrannar To this enla It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray, "Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng, Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence. Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss. They must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us. And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes. They have sown, but we shall reap it-'tis the will of Mr. RAIKES." But Punch was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red, Like the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook his ancient head. "RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much incline to scorn Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn. "You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees SOUND AND SAFE.-We hear that Mr. W. H. GRIFFITHS is to be the new Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular inquiry, "Who's GRIFFITHS ?" there was but one answer, "The Safe Man." Good omen for the Shaftesbury. VOL. C. BAR BARRED! SCENE-A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee sitting at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge plans hanging to walls. View in distance of St. Thomas's Hospital. EastWest Diddlesex Railway Extension Bill under consideration. Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under examination. Junior Counsel (for Promoters). You have told us that there is a cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan-in your opinion do you think that the road passing by Hoggsborough, coloured green, could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured yellow? Expert Witness (with great deliberation, and illustrating his remarks by references to a large plan). In my opinion I think the necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the course of the Raisensworth, coloured black. Junior Counsel. Thank you-that will do. [Sits down. First Cross-Examining Q. C. (suddenly entering from another Committee Room, looking for his Junior-aside). Where on earth have we got to? Chairman of Committee. Is this witness cross-examined ? First C.-E. Q.C. Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan ? Expert Witness. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is skirted, &c., &c. [Repeats the answer he has already given. Second Cross-Examining Q. C. (entering hurriedly, as his learned brother sits down). One moment, please. Now you say that it is absolutely necessary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red, by a bridge? Expert Witness. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate, &c., &c. [Repeats his answer for the third time. Third C.-E. Q. C. (entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes his seat). And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you their questions, I have to ask you mine. Be kind enough to say, for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood of(consulting plan)-Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the plan, and, as you will see, runs through the-(inspects plan closely)Swashbuckler Estate-yes, the Swashbuckler Estate-and comes, as you will see, if you refer to the chart, near Twaddlecomb-having now sufficiently indicated the locality, I repeat, will you be kind enough to say whether, in your opinion, the necessity of building a bridge over the River Raven-(is prompted by Junior)-I should say, over the River Crowe-could be avoided? Chairman of Committee (interposing). I would suggest that, as further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused examination-in-chief. First C.-E. Q. C. (warmly). I consider this an infringement of the privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember that it is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief may only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we represent. Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is very seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by a learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasionally wanted elsewhere. Second C.-E. Q. C. (indignantly). Yes; and how can we attend to our Clients' interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at once ? Third C.-E. Q. C. (furiously). You have no right to act upon an old ruling that was never enforced. Why, such a regulation would ruin us-and many of us have wives and children! [Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave imprisonment in the Clock Tower, if necessary. N.B.-Up to date the Tower is untenanted. "IN THE NAME OF THE LAW -PHOTOGRAPHS!"-MR. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, "to enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished legal gentlemen," regrets to say that, as he has already sat for another Firm making the same request (see Papers from Pump-handle Court), he is unable to comply with their courteous request. However, he is pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded to others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he possesses a wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his connection with the Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., wishes the industrious Firm every success in their public-spirited undertaking. 66 |