What did Jack Frost say to the lily? Wilt thou,-and she wilted. Why was Noah the best broker of ancient times? He could float more stock than any other man. What is the difference between a hill and a pill? One is hard to get up and the other is hard to get down. What expression would a needy man make use of when he had pawned his watch? Time's up. Why do lovers linger long at the garden gate? Because so much can be said on both sides. When are two heads better than one? When they are in a barrel. When is a farmer like a dentist? When he is pulling out stumps. Why does rain diminish the size of a statue? Because it becomes a statuette (statue wet). Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? Barren (Baron) Figtree. Why should the highest apple on a tree be the best one? Because it's a tip top apple. Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic? Because it is bound to the country by the strongest ties. Which is the debtor's favorite tree? The will-ow. Why is law like a sieve? Because you may see through it, but you must be considerably reduced before you can get through it. What is the most afflicted part of a house? The window, because it is always full of panes. What is that which, though never lost, is constantly found? A verdict. Who was the ancient mariner? Noah. When may a man be said to take the downward path? When he steps on a banana peel. If I should give James twelve cents and William thirteen cents what time would it be? A quarter to two. Why is a newspaper office like a bakery? Because the editor makes puffs, and the printer often makes jumbles and pi's. A couple of tramps went into a lager beer saloon and drank a quantity of beer for which they had no money to pay. The proprietor instructed his bartender to "Durn dose rascals inside oud." Two odd names: “So you have got twins at your house,” said Mrs. Bezumbe to little Tommy Samuelson. “Yes, ma'am; two of 'em." "What are you going to call them?" "Thunder and Lightning." "Why, those are strange names to call children." "Well, that's what pa called them as soon as he heard they were in the house." "Dear little man with the slender legs, Why do you dance on your slender pegs? I am an el-o-cu-tion-ist." A writer in a juvenile magazine lately gathered a number of dictionary words as defined by certain small people, of which the following seem.genuine: Dust-Mud with the juice squeezed out. Fan-A thing to brush warm off with. Ice-Water that staid out in the cold and went to sleep. Monkey-A very small boy with a tail. Pig-A hog's little boy. Salt-What makes your potatoes taste bad when you don't put any on. Snoring-Letting off sleep. Wakefulness-Eyes all the time coming unbuttoned. A sleeper is one who sleeps. A sleeper is also a car in which the sleeper sleeps. A sleeper is, additionally, the tie which holds the rails on which the second sleeper runs while carrying the first sleeper. Therefore, while the first sleeper sleeps in the second sleeper, this second sleeper carries the first sleeper over the third sleeper which supports the second sleeper until the sleeper which carries the sleeper jumps the sleeper and wakes the sleeper in the sleeper by bumping the sleeper under the sleeper, and then there is no sleeper in the sleeper over the sleeper, unless his name happens to be Sleeper, and even then, if the switchman is al-o a sleeper, the first sleeper becomes as dead as the third sleeper. Young ladies should not forget that Goliath died from the effects of a bang on his forehead. A boy of eight years was asked by his teacher where the zenith was. He replied: "The spot in the heavens directly over one's head." To test his knowledge further, the teacher asked: "Can two persons have the same zenith at the same time?" "They can." "How?" "If one stands on the other's head." A little boy, whose parents are always moving from one house to another, was asked by the Sunday-school teacher, "Why did the Israelites move out of Egypt?" "Because they couldn't pay their rent," was the reply. Freddy's device: First Swell-By Jove, Fred, that is quite the highest collar I've struck yet. Second Swell-Think so, old man? Well, I don't mind telling you; it's a little idea of my own. It's one of the guvnor's cuils. "How are you, Smith?" said Jones. Smith pretends not to know him, and replies, hesitatingly, "Sir, you have the advantage of me." "Yes," retorts Jones, "I suppose everybody has that's got common sense." Smith looks unhappy. "My case is just this," said a citizen to a lawyer: "The plaintiff will swear that I hit him. I will swear that I did not. Now, what can you lawyers make out of that if we go to trial?" "A hundred dollars, easy," was the reply. "Mr. Hack," said the managing editor, "Mr. Wirework, the opposition candidate, is going to be at the conference tomorrow; write a sharp editorial and give him fits for trying to curry favor with the churches." "But Wirework has written a letter, saying he can't be there,” replied Mr. Hack. "So?" said the managing editor. "Well, then, write a slashing article on his daring to ignore the best people in the village. Give it to him good and strong." Ella (five years old, who has broken a window)—“Papa, dear, don't beat me; subtract it rather from my marriage dowry." While an Idaho girl was sitting under a tree waiting for her lover, a grizzly bear came along and approaching from behind began to hug her. But she thought it was Tom and so just leaned back and enjoyed it heartily, and murmured "Tighter," and it broke the bear all up, and he went away and hid in the forest for three days to get over the shame. The difference between a besotted man and a pig is a slight one at best. One's a-hunting grog and the other's a grunting hog. A gentleman had his boots blacked by one of two boys, and gave the shiner a two dollar bill to get changed. After waiting some time he said to the other boy: “Where's your partner?" "Oh," said the youth with a grin, "he's busted up, and I'm his assignee." What to him was love or hope! What to him was joy or care? He stepped on a plug of Irish soap The girl had left on the topmost stair; And his feet flew out like wild fierce things, And he struck each stair with a sound like a drum; And the girl below with the scrubbing things, Laughed like a fiend to see him come. When a young man tries for three minutes in church to brush a sunbeam off his coat, under the impression that it is a streak of dust, and then looks up and sees a pretty girl laughing at him, he kind of loses the thread of the sermon, temporarily, as it were. "Well," said a jaunty son-in-law, lounging in from the office with his father's mail, "you've got a postal from ma, and she says she's met a cyclone." "Pity the cyclone," was the old gentleman's crusty reply, as he jabbed his pen into the inkstand. "You say that Snaggs won't pay you that note? Is he embarrassed?" "Well, he won't pay the note; says he can't; but he didn't seem a bit embarrassed. Never saw such cheek!" Rattler says the cures effected by laying on of hands is an old story with him. His mother often indulged in the pastime in times past. A man named Darling lives in Fargo, and when any one calls to him on the street every young lady within three blocks blushes and looks around. DRAMATIC SUPPLEMENT -TO One Hundred Choice Selections, No. 21.* This Supplement will be forwarded to any address, post-paid, on receipt of Ten Cents (or three copies for Twenty-Five Cents), by addressing P. GARRETT & Co., Publishers, 708 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, Pa. THE PURITAN'S DILEMMA. CHARACTERS. CAPT. MILES STANDISH. JOHN ALDEN. PRISCILLA. SCENE I. By the sea-side. MILES STANDISH [walking, soliloquizes]. Dear, dear to the pilgrim is rest,-the hope That his labors in measure are ended. How snug seem those huts our own hands have builded, And, to eke out the fancy, yon tower, *The two Plays composing this Supplement are taken from "EXCELSIOR DIA LOGUES," by permission. The complete book contains thirty-one Original School Dramas and Dialogues, for advanced speakers. 376 pages, cloth, price $1.00. |