ordinary with me. (13.) I broke out at last in the dreadful sin of blasphemy, which I uttered with my tongue, playing one afternoon at cards, being about twelve years of age. (14.) I stole from my mother's waiting man five shillings sterling, while I lay with him; and, being suspected for it, I was denying it, but it was proven against me, and I was with shame made to restore it. (15.) I cursed myself knowingly, in denying a thing which yet I knew to be true. (16.) I became so wicked, as not content to omit prayer on the Sabbath-day, and to talk idly as others did, I played the whole day at the dice, contrary to my light, and my conscience even in the meantime accusing and condemning me. (17.) I was almost mine own murderer; for being grievously awed at the Grammar School, and ordinarily whipped whether I deserved it or not, and desirous to be rid of this grievous bondage, I knew no way but to procure a sickness to myself. And, for this cause, I went out to the Cross and bought green fruits, and did eat nothing but that, and would oftentimes go naked all night, which procured me a flux, which I desired, and which continued with me for two whole years almost, which was near to have cost me my life; for, through grief, and ill diet, and ill guiding, I took a bloody-flux, in which I lay for two days, which was all the sickness I ever had. In a word, I was clean gone, and nothing all this time was dealing with me save only some ineffectual checks and movings upon my heart now and then.

§ 3. This decay did proceed from the same causes with the former; yet I remarked these five things to have had most influence on me: (1.) I prayed, but endeavoured not to take away my sins; my prayers never killed my lusts, and therefore my lusts killed prayer-like many now, that profess, and yet sin on still; that fear the Lord, and serve their idols. (2.) My governor decayed in his zeal, through want of good company, and through neglect of private prayer, in which I marked him deficient, and through too much familiarity with the domestics that did blunt his zeal; and I think, seeing my wickedness grow upon him and overmaster him, he despaired of doing me good. He slept, and Satan came in and sowed tares, Mat. xiii. 25. (3.) Because, when he was gone,

none took care of me; and, "having no king, I did what was good in mine own eyes." None did reprove or correct me for my faults, nor did look on my soul at all, or put me out to duty, but gave me loose reins; and old "Jehoiadah being dead or gone, I did evil in the sight of the Lord," Judg. xxi. 25; 2 Chron. xxiv. 2, 17, 18. (4.) Because not followed with terrors and convictions, peace and ease did me ill, Prov. i. 33; Jer li. 39. (5.) I found that evil company did me much harm; I learned their ways; they hardened and encouraged me in an ill course, and drew me from the Lord; for in my greatest decays, I mark this, that I was trysted with carnal godless company.

§ 4. Yet notwithstanding of this, I was not altogether left of God; for now and then I was in some good mood, and the Spirit of God would strive and draw me contrary to my inclinations, so as now and then I would pray and read, and be affected. And this good did proceed from these causes; (1.) Some extraordinary sharp convictions from the Lord on my conscience, that would put me out to prayer and to get peace; which storm being over, I cared not for prayer any more, Acts ii. 37; Psal. lxvi. 3. (2.) Outward and grievous afflictions at school, by reason of the tyrannical rigidity of a certain schoolmaster I had, who delighted in the scourging of children, and would ofttimes pick quarrels with me, and scourge me for little or no fault at all; so that every day almost I was sure to be scourged, carry and do as I liked; which made my life grievous and a burden to me. And this in the anguish of my soul would cause me to pour out a prayer, Psal. lxviii. 35; Isa. xxvi. 12, 16. (3.) Sometimes our teachers would instruct us to pray; and then an exhortation had some influence on me, and would put me in some frame, 2 Chron. xxiv. 2. (4.) I would out of conceit sometimes pray. I lingered on in this condition three or four years, until I went South again, in order to my going to the college.

STEP III.

§ 1. I was then going about the form of all manner of duties both public and private, joined likewise with reformation and zeal. Before I was only taken up in prayer, but now I made conscience of

all duties; and therefore meditated, read the Scriptures frequently, and kept the Sabbath very strictly, and reading of good books. And I left off all my old sins and ways, such as lying, swearing, and made conscience of all moral virtues; I left my gaming, my idle talk, and became very temperate; and, if I at any time failed, I would fall down on my knees, and beg the Lord's mercy. Yea, so zealous was I, that I endeavoured to gain others, and would reprove them for their looseness. And this produced in me some love to the godly, so that I seemed both to myself and others a new man, and every thing to become new; and yet a stranger to Christ, and lying fast bound in a natural condition. But the occasion of this reformation and great change was this; one Sabbath-day afternoon, being then fifteen years of age, I read on a book called the Practice of Piety, concerning the misery of a natural man, the torments of hell, and the blessedness of a godly man, and some directions for a godly life. The Lord so wrought, and my heart was therewith so affected and drawn, that without more ado I henceforth resolved to become a new man, and to live not only a harmless life, but a godly and devout life, and to turn my back upon all my old ways, and utterly to forsake them, and thereupon immediately to set upon the practice of duties. And in this way and condition I had marvellous sweetness and peace, judging and esteeming myself really converted; and would ordinarily in my prayers thank the Lord for giving me his good Spirit; and thought with myself, if I would but continue in this condition to the end, I should undoubtedly be saved. And, in a word, I was a complete Pharisee; and, for the benefit of others, I will describe the frame of my spirit under this dispensation. § 2. I had the very characters of a formal Pharisee: for, (1.) I looked only to the outward letter of the law, and did endeavour an outward conformity thereto; and, if I went about the outward form of duty, I sought no more, 2 Tim. iii. 5; Amos iv. 4. (2.) I judged myself rather by the length and multitude of my duties, more than by any other thing in them, Mat. vi. 7. (3.) I rested in duties as the end, and made them not the means to bring me to Christ. I looked on them as opus operatum; and, therefore, when I did seek or pray for any spiritual mercy, it was not the things I sought I was

mostly taken up with: which did evidence itself to me in this, that when I prayed for any mercy, when I got it not, nor any promise for obtaining it, yet was satisfied; like these, Isa. i. 15. (4.) Whenever I sinned, I satisfied God and my own conscience by doubling my duties, and gave them to the Lord as satisfaction. And then, as though the blood of Christ had been applied, there ensued peace; like those, Mic. vi. 7, that would give "rivers of oil for the sin of their soul;" and these, Amos iv. 4, who would, when they transgressed, go to Gilgal and offer sacrifice; and the whore, Prov. vii. 14; Mat. xxiii. 14. (5.) Hence my duties did never put away my sins, nor did tend to this, but I "served the Lord and my idols ;" and if there was any reformation, it was but the "outside of the platter" that was cleansed. But I neither saw, nor did hate, nor strive against, nor overcome any heart corruptions; they never troubled me, 2 Kings xvii. 33; Zeph. i. 5. (6.) I was utterly ignorant of the mystery of the gospel; I neither knew nor studied faith, nor the promises, nor justification by imputed righteousness, being altogether ignorant of that, Rom. x. 3. (7.) I was more troubled for the want of holiness and the neglect of duties than for the want of Christ himself, and loved Christ's benefits better than Christ himself; I indeed "returned, but not to the Most High," Hos. vii. 16. (8.) I hated profane persons, and loved civil men that had any form of religion; but did not relish the most strict, especially such who expressed the power of godliness, John xv. 18. (9.) Heaven was not sweet to me, but I ever thought on it with grief and aversion, in respect of the constant uninterrupted spiritual exercises they had there, and the want of carnal comforts. I loved a kingdom in this world, Mat. xx. 20. (10.) My conscience notwithstanding, after a little profession, was unsatisfied, and there was a worm gnawing at the root of all this; and I could not be quit of this assault, that for all this I might and would probably go to hell. I had no great security from all my duties, and my fears were still alive; and aye I found, the more I did, they increased. Mat. xix. 16, the young man cried still out, "What shall I do to inherit eternal life?" (11.) Whatever I did was rather to satisfy conscience, than from love to God, who was a terror to me,

and whom I could not otherwise represent to myself than as an angry judge and an enemy, whom I was still troubled to satisfy. By all which it appears I had no saving grace.

§3. I decayed from this and fell, and was beaten off it through these means; (1.) My pleasures, vanities, and evil company, to which I was not mortified, did draw my heart away, Hos. iv. 11; Luke viii. 14. (2.) Sins did break out, such as cursing and swearing and carding, and that very frequently; so as I could not get comfort in duties. And this produced a despair in me of the works of my hands, and this weakened me; my duties were not able to bear up the weight of my sins. And, therefore, sighing, I went backward; and seeing there was no hope, and loving idols, I said I would follow them, Jer. ii. 28; Lam. i. 9. (3.) Duties, through process of time, began to be a burden to me, especially when they gave me not full satisfaction nor peace. I was wearied in the greatness of my way, and with labouring in the smoke, and found no end in the travail of my soul, and therefore gave over; for this thought remained secretly in my heart, that I would go to hell when all was done, I was indeed wearied and loaden with them, Mal. i. 13, "What a weariness is in God's service!" Why? chap. iii. 14, “What profit is it that we have kept his ordinances?" (4.) By a certain providence I was brought to see the vanity of all this, which made me seek to another mountain for rest; and, finding none, I turned a seeker, though not in judgment, yet really and truly in practice; which made me despair not only of being happy by the works of the law which I had done, but even by those which I was to do; and so put from seeking it afterwards that way. And this was my last step and dispensation of providence I was trysted with.

STEP IV.

Was, being beat out of all forms, I turned a seeker, had no principle, but lived in hopes that God would reveal himself to me. Sometimes I prayed; I had some comfort in doing duties with any affection and life, which sometimes I would win unto. The occa