30. By judging by outward appearances, and misbelieving of success, (which hath come through not looking to God,) hath much discouraged me from duty.

CHAPTER VIII.

DECLARING MERCIES.

SECTION I.

Containing general Mercies.

1. I FIND reason to bless the Lord for continued and perfect health, so as I never remember that I lay (except when I had the small-pox) two days sick, either through pain or heart-sickness.

2. I have reason to bless the Lord for the mercy of good education; so that, wherever he did cast my lot, I had occasions of good given me. I saw not much wild example; and those whom I was with, the Lord did put them out to take some pains with me, which though it did not convert me, yet did prepare for it.

3. In beating me out of all my false rests, and refuges of lies; in which if I had continued, I had perished for ever. Oh, what a mercy, that the Lord discovered to me my condition, the vanity of duties, mine own inability to save myself, the distance and enmity betwixt God and my soul!

4. Sparing mercies. Oh, what hath the Lord borne of me! surely more than of any other whatsomever. How often did I provoke him to send me to my place! He spared me, notwithstanding of my blasphemy, my Sabbath-breaking, my palpable breaking of vows, sinning against light, backsliding, cursing even in a lie, profanity, mocking in duties, untractableness; yea, when he might have had great glory by my destruction. Who hath or could have borne so much as the Lord? and should I not therefore love? They "love much, because much is forgiven."

5. Oh, the great pains the Lord hath taken, and the cost he hath been at with me! What pains in my first education! What pains in conversion! What pains after conversion! What pains in recovering out of backsliding! What pains by afflictions, by tentations, convictions, mercies of all sorts, waterings public and private! What a constant suitor hath he been for my heart! What day in which there hath not been some message or other! Surely he is in very good earnest with me; he hath constantly and uninterruptedly followed me.

6. In bestowing saving grace on my soul; washing me from nature, from sin, and Satan, and hell; by renewing his image on my soul; by enlightening mine eyes, quickening my dead soul, changing me quite, giving me rest; by admitting me to fellowship with himself; by entering in a covenant with me; by taking me from my sinful ways and courses, and conforming me to his ways, in heart, speech, and practice; making an inward, blest, right, and universal change, differing from formal hypocrites and gospel professors that are carnal.

7. In recovering me out of a backslidden estate, after carelessness and security; departing from God, until I had ruined myself again, and was, as it were, "twice dead;" and when I was at the last gasp, he pitied me, recovered me, engaged me in his service, kept me through his power and goodness (notwithstanding of many oppositions) at this diet, until I at last recovered, and that he did set me on a "rock higher than I." Oh, what cost and expenses was my recovery to him! He would not let me die at a distance with him, but by afflictions and sore trials called me home.

When yet but weak, how Though he was "the high

8. Mercies in a wilderness condition. did he condescend to my weakness! and lofty One," how did he bear my manners, my murmurings, my faintings, my lustings, my impatience, my dulness, my deadness, my unbelief! IIe never left me for all these things, but was ever with me; he supplied all my wants, and many a time revived my fainting soul, and did carry me as an eagle doth her young ones, and "no strange god with him" at all; he never left me until he

brought me to a large land and fruitful. Oh, the care he had of me in the great wilderness, preserving me and carrying me through, was a wonderful mercy!

9. I am obliged unto the Lord for talents; that he created me not void of understanding, but hath put me in some capacity to be serviceable to him; he hath instructed me in the wonderful things of his law, made me know the mysteries of the kingdom of God. And what shall I say? my natural abilities were very much helped and improven by grace: "Through thy precepts I have attained to understanding."

10. I acknowledge with all thankfulness the great mercy of God in keeping me on his side in this evil day; that I have been preserved in this general apostacy; that I have mustered on his side, and under his standard, against the dragon making war in heaven against the Lamb. How many have profanity, error, vanity, formality, sloth, and worldliness destroyed, or rendered useless? yea, even tall cedars: yet me hath he kept from the destroying pestilence, yea, kept in life, and through grace privileged to be a plain witness for him against the dragon and the courses of these times; to do some little thing, at least to show my good-will.

11. By "upholding me with his visitations," innumerable times "restoring my soul" to life, preserving "my feet from falling, and mine eyes from tears." Oh the many loving refreshing visitations I had of him, under deadness, confusions, distractions, sorrows, weights! Hence hath he been as the clear shining sun after the rain. These have been the means by which I have been kept in life; these are his favours, in these days of famine feeding me and keeping me in life.

12. In many times delivering me out of hell itself; when the sorrows of death compassed me about, when overpowered with despair, he brought me out of the great and terrible pit; and when all other means and friends failed, and neither could nor would help, the Lord himself stepped in, and calmed all these terrible storms, when I could not bear any longer: nor was I ever in any extremity but he helped me, yea, out of great and sore troubles.

13. Mercies in afflictions. Surely "in faithfulness hath he afflicted me." It is a mercy to be taken in under his discipline, a covenant mercy; but he hath supported me in all my afflictions. And when a sign, and a wonder, and a terror to all friends and acquaintances, left of friends and relations, and ungratefully used by them, then did " the Lord take me up," and gave me shelter, meat and drink "that the world knew not of;" and what shall I say? "at last delivered me out of them all," at least out of the most pressing, and that by his own hand. He hath delivered me from all dangers, fears, snares, and sorrows.

14. All these are heightened by these circumstances; Imo, That the Lord hath visited me with special love, the right-hand blessings, grace, Christ, and sanctification. 2do, That it is the Lord himself that is eminently seen in them; he lets none do me good but himself, especially great deliverances; the Lord brings all about wonderfully. 3tio, I see them all stamped with free grace, and their motto, "Not for your sakes, but for my name's sake, and because of the Lord Jesus." I see them all proceeding from the free grace and love of Christ Jesus. 4to, That he hath singled me out of all my tribe and kindred, and past by them all and chosen me for himself. 5to, That the Lord is seen universally in all these things. He doth all things most excellently for me; not in one or two particulars, but in every thing I have ado. "Thou, Lord, wilt ordain peace for us; for thou hast wrought all our works in us," Isa. xxvi. 12. 6to, The Lord is constant in his kindness; it is not for a fit or start, but those whom he hath loved, he loveth to the end. His love is a constant love, he "never takes away his loving-kindness." 7mo, That the Lord by all mercies sanctifies me, and draws me nearer to himself: I am made to know more of God by these; my heart is warmed in love and affection towards him by the remembrance of these; and through experience of these I am made to come to him, and depend on him, and engaged to thankfulness. 8vo, That they are to me, who am so wild, so miserable, so sinful, who have abused his grace and mercy, and daily grieve him, and am less than the least of all

his mercies; this heightens the mercy. What am I, that the Lord should visit me? Lastly, Considering this, that when favours are so few, it is much in a day of indignation, much in a day of famine and confusion, when all are generally crying out, "My leanness."

SECTION II.

Of Special Mercies, or little particular Favours from the Lord, as to my Spiritual Condition and Temporal.

As for particular mercies, they are innumerable and past reckoning, and would take up much time to tell them over, and much pains to write them down; and because I purpose to write them by themselves at large, and in respect any who read what I have written may there see many of them, I will forbear.

Thus have I run through the most remarkable circumstances of the Lord's providence towards me in my conversion, and what followed thereupon; and have been signally assisted in calling to mind, and observing the Lord's way and mind in them. And what can I say or give to the Lord for all his mercies and pains! but, blessed for ever be he, that ever looked upon me, that hath done so great things for me, that hath borne with me till now, and hath given me time and strength to set down on record his kindness! O that I may walk worthy of his pains! To him, through Christ Jesus, be glory for ever. Amen.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, and good-will towards men."

[What follows was not dedicated to Mr Thomas Ross.]