come, but accidentally and not in love, when not helped to wait on the Lord for it. It hath once comforted me to think, that though the mercy hath not come as a fruit of either my waiting or prayers, yet hath it come as a fruit of Christ's prayers, and merits, and sufferings, and this hath satisfied me. 11th Evil. I cannot win to apply particular mercies fully and clearly, so as to have a persuasion of such a mercy I am seeking for; though I win to some application of general promises, such as these, "Christ came to save sinners;" "God sent not his Son to condemn the world;" "Christ came to seek and save that which was lost;" which quiet my spirit. So that when I am reading of particular promises for removing of such and such straits, and for giving such and such blessings, they do not comfort me more than in their general nature they show God's goodness; and, therefore, I find not strength in them to plead for such a particular mercy, nor to persuade my mind of it that I shall obtain it, only they in the general quiet me. And hence I am not distrustful of my salvation, or of my happiness in the general; but whether I shall get such a particular mercy, or be delivered from such an evil. All the promises of deliverance do not breed in me an assurance or persuasion of it; so as, though God hath granted me many particular mercies, especially in temporals, which I have prayed for, yet of none of them was I assured, though I have been made to hope before the granting and fulfilling of it; though some say, A faith of dependence is only requisite in such cases. But, besides the contrary experience of the saints, and the rendering void all particular promises, I have much to say against this. Oh to know what this means, which is in John! "We know that if we ask according to his will, he heareth us," and granteth our desires; and "this confidence we have of him." 12th Evil. I cannot win above the fears of men, so as to break out in open defiance and arms against the world; but am kept in strong chains of fear and bashfulness to displease them, so as I cannot boldly reprove, exhort, or be free with many whom yet I know or strongly suspect to be in a sad condition, especially if they be great ones. And when at any time I win to do any thing of this, it is with a great deal of reluctance, nay, greater than to lay my head down on the block; and I strike so sparingly when I lift my rod, that I scarce touch them, which comes from my complying and soft easy nature; insomuch that my neglects of such duties have been matter of my greatest exercises, and I think I fear not so much their prejudice or outward loss, as the thing itself is grievous, and displeasing of men, and to be thought ill of them. 13th Evil. I can never win to a watchful, self-diffident, and fearing frame, when at any time enlarged; but, notwithstanding of my multiplied falls, I will, when in any good frame, or gotten up again, with Peter, be persuaded that I will never be so as before, but will confidently promise to do this or that, and will not believe that any tentation will break this resolution; which confidence is not founded on the Lord, but comes from a presumptuous conceit and trust I have in myself. In a word, I cannot win to misbelieve my own heart, nor be so persuaded of its weakness and deceitfulness. It is true, in great matters I am diffident of myself, but in small matters and resolutions I go about them continually in my own strength, and ever come short of them. 14th Evil. I can never win to carry rightly in public occasions, but am ever the worse of them; I meet with little of God, and see so little of him, and get so little grace exercised, and am so carnal while doing any little civil business even to which I have a call, that, prepare my heart as I will ere I go out, and watch never so carefully, I find my whole man poisoned, and myself worse, and I come home with a world of challenges, so that company and civil business are a terror to me, and travail, a going to hell itself. I never know what to do when out of my chamber; I have not yet known what it is to traffic christianly in the world, but have been carnal in my ends and carriage, forgotten God, drowned in worldly matters. Oh when shall I be spiritual in carnal actions; in eating, drinking, bargaining, doing all as God's work! And when shall I get and do good in public occasions! 15th Evil. The promises and the gospel, with Scripture-con solations, make me trust, believe, and hope, and quiet me in all my afflictions; yet do not so abundantly satisfy me, as to make me "rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory," and as to lose sense of any other thing. 16th Evil. I can never win to keep my resolutions, so as in my practice to walk perfectly with God, so as to walk in peace; but every day I have challenges, not for sins of mere infirmity, but for such sins as might be helped, and which by mere unwatchfulness I fall into; such as to continue long departing from God, entertaining vain thoughts, vain idol words, mispending of time, excess in lawful comforts, slothing of private duties, doing things rashly, and such like, which are not wholly voluntary, or yet wholly of mere infirmity. Oh to sin but of mere infirmity! To walk thus perfectly with God I cannot, but there hath ever been a breach. By what I can learn, I never kept my vows even when the matter was possible. 17th Evil. Continual great unwillingness and indispositions to duties of all kinds, driving ever like Pharaoh's chariots, (though, when once engaged in the duty, I find more delight and sweetness ordinarily in them than from the world,) so as there is unwillingness to go to them, pain in them, and gladness when they are done; but especially in the engaging. Oh the power, wicked power in me, resisting God, and drawing back from him! 18th Evil. That I do not grow or go forward generally in the ways of God, nor yet get a particular work and exercise throughed ; I think I am like "the door that turneth itself on the hinges." I make a motion in prayer, resolving and professing; but I am still where I was I find the same ignorance, the same deadness, the same indispositions, the same unprofitableness, the same unbelief, the same power of sin as before; I fight, I wrestle, but do not overcome. I am exercised with troubles and other providences, but I see not what comes of them, they go away like knotless threads; and there is no end of my labour. 19th Evil. That I get so little light, comfort, or strength from public ordinances, pray, watch, prepare as I will; I mean sacra ments, meetings, sermons. I find not nor see the power and glory of God, so as to draw near to him; I meet not with God in them. I find not sin mortified nor subdued, nor grace increased; and seldom is my heart bettered, but I find a constantly dead, lifeless, indisposed heart, and no sensible alteration in the time; and any sensible good I get is in private, though I find a real insensible good in public ordinances. 20th Evil. Above all, I find a great unwillingness to teach, exhort, and do good to others, or to glorify God publicly; I cannot delight in this, nor go about this in faith of a blessing, nor with success, nor earnestly; but there is with me much constrained work, many occasions slighted of going about it, and the heart itself dead and heartless, and untouched with the glory of God, or the good of the person, especially if unconverted. 21st Evil. I find not a power persuading me of any truth. I have only a weak opinion and love to it, but I find not God with a mighty power revealing and persuading of truth; yea, there hath been much of nature in particular truths, though as to my general change and illumination there hath been a sensible almighty power; therefore am I still weak in my belief and practice. I have other evils, but these I find the strongest, and that stick closest and continue longest; I fight against and mourn under these, but they continue still in their strength. SECTION III. Declaring my present exercises, lessons I am learning, studying, and in which I have made some proficiency. My life is a mystery to me; what I purpose and intend, that do I not. Though I have been little exercised, and as little advanced in these fore-mentioned exercises, yet hath the Lord been exercising me with some things which I intended, beyond my design; as, 1. I have been called to exercise the life of faith, to walk by it and not by sight; in which, by the Lord's revelation of the gospel, and from some consideration on 2 Cor. v. 7, I have been exercised, especially through tentations, which seek to make me misbelieve, and do discourage me. 2. The Lord hath been learning me, and I have been exercised in the grace of submission to the Lord's will in crossing mine; and I win to write a hearty amen thereunto, and to say, "Good is his will," let it be done, and not mine. 3. I have learned and someway exercised patience, which is a continued submission and quiet obedience, and the constancy of the spirit, in not being shaken, or moved, or diverted with evil; and I have this lesson continually in my head, and therein have made some progress. 4. I am learning to read love in the greatest of evils, sin, desertions, afflictions, plagues of heart, and disappointments; and to put good constructions on all God's dealings; and when anything comes, though never so cross, I first inquire, What love can I see in this ? 5. I am casting out and have cast out the bond-woman and her child out of my soul, I mean the slavish spirit of fear, and the proud self-acting spirit, beating in daily evangelical principles in my head, so as now I find more faith and love in my actings. 6. I am drawing my heart to love the Lord Jesus, and to close with him with my whole heart, and to be content to live with him alone, shunning departing from him, and striving to beget and entertain familiar and kind thoughts of God in Christ, and to root out of my heart my strange and hard thoughts of him and of Christ. 7. I am making the world a stranger to me, daily meditating of such considerations as may mortify my heart thereunto, God furthering this enmity by providences, whereby I find the world my constant enemy, and am thereby made to hate and despise it, and to be carried with indignation against it. 8. I am studying sobriety in my affections, actings, and carriage, in seeking after moderation, in not being much moved with any VOL. II. |