nal folk as dung, and all the world's kindness, though my nature will not suffer me to express it; my "spirit is willing," but herein I find "the flesh is weak." My unprofitableness and sinfulness is my greatest grief in the world; I had rather be cast out of God's comfortable presence (so as not to be hated of him) than out of his service. I have been sometimes thinking that, if these times last, my heart will break, if I be continually shut up in this way, and all the passages stopt of doing for the Lord. SECTION II. Declaring some strong evils under which I mourn, and against which I wrestle. I find it with me as with the Israelites, Judges i., that there were some nations that they could not drive out; so I may say that there are some strong evils that I cannot get mastered at all, and which continually afflict me, and discourage me. 1st Evil is, That distance the Lord keeps with me in word, in prayer, in providences, commands, threatenings, promises, mercies, judgments; I find little of God in them, so that I may say, "I am more brutish than any man, and have not the knowledge of the Holy One." Oh how little of him is known! I dare not deny but I see him darkly and confusedly, whereby my soul longs for him, and mourns for his absence as the greatest evil; but yet I see him not distinctly and clearly in his glory with the seeing of the eye by that marvellous light. Oh Lord, my blindness! Oh blessed heaven, where we shall see God, not as in a mystery, but "know as we are known!" and, alas! I know no more of him than before. This calls for mourning and humiliation, and addressing to Christ to open the eyes of the blind; and for purity and holiness, for these "shall see God;" and for "following on to know the Lord" in his attributes, in his Son Jesus, in his word, and in his providences by observing them. 2d Evil is, The low measure of God's love vented to my soul; manifestations and influences run very low, and beat weakly in my soul; I find not in God what doth abundantly satisfy; I meet not with that which is called "the power of God." In a word, I am kept in a low condition, and very mean. Sanctification, light, life, and comfort, are but sparingly letten out to me; and in my fulness I cry, I want still. This is to humble me, and make me long for heaven. Though, blessed be the Lord's name, I meet with something, yea, more than I deserve, or ever I have been thankful for; nor did I ever kindle a fire to him for nought. I comfort myself with this, that I have the earnest, and that is but small in respect of the stock; a little does arle the bargain as well as much. That this world and time is a time of wants, and, therefore, the Lord's people are a generation of seekers; that there is much in Christ, in the promise, and much to be letten out in heaven. I get these directions: 1. To be humble. 2. To be living on the fulness of Christ, and abundant joys of heaven. 3. To be thankful for small mercies, for that is the way to get more. 4. To long for heaven, and weary of the earth. 5. To study mortification to the world, for "the rich are sent away empty;" to keep a room for Christ. 6. To labour much; for "the soul of the diligent shall be made fat." 7. To do good to others; for "he that watereth shall be watered." 3d Evil is, Security and slightness of spirit as to spiritual things. I am not so sensibly affected with the evil of sin and of a natural condition, as to wonder at God's patience, to tremble for fear, and smitten with compassion to others who are yet in their sins. Oh! I am but in jest, and half sleeping and waking; though I know that nothing lies nearer, nor am I more exercised with anything than with spiritual things. I see no help for this, but serious consideration of the great matters of the law, and continual prayers to God for awakening and seriousness, and less seriousness in worldly affairs, for these take away the heart. 4th Evil. I can seldom win to the believing, joyful, and comfortable thoughts of heaven. Though I really prize the thing, to wit, enjoyment of God in Christ for evermore, and perfect con formity to him, yet have I not as yet come to any measure of perfection in this lesson; the great cause of which I take to be, that I am so little in the endeavour of this: It is something present, rather than what is to come, that comforts me. Oh to see this glory as mine, so as to be made heavenly thereby! 5th Evil. That I cannot, in the act of closing with Christ, cordially, fully, and clearly give up myself to the Lord Jesus alone for evermore; that I cannot expressly and cordially marry with him. Oh for a day of espousals! It is true, my heart really closes with Christ, and hates the world, and my desires are, to be for him and him only, to do and suffer much for him; but, when I come to covenant with him, there is deadness, heartlessness, doublemindedness, confusions, and ignorance, whereby much unfixedness doth arise. I can neither covenant with him as a spouse, nor live with him as a spouse. Oh my unstedfastness in his covenant, and dealing falsely with him! I could never to my satisfaction go rightly about this duty of personal covenanting; I durst not promise, lest I fulfil not. 6th Evil. A secret love to the old husband the law; for, with the Jews, I am "seeking to establish my own righteousness;" doing duties, and resolving to be strict, for this end, to get glory from my conscience to myself, and that I might thereby appear the more glorious unto others. And I would be content to have my works here be a sharer in my room in heaven, and to be a part of my joy, and to have my happiness come that way; so that what was falsely attributed to David, 1 Sam. xvii. 28, by his brother Eliab, that out of the pride of his heart he had come to the battle ; so it is with me in going against my lusts and tentations, it hath been to gain honour thereby, that I have undertaken it. And when God hath put down this idol of self-righteousness, and by permitting me to fall, hath crost the setting up of this Dagon, I have marked I have mourned more that my resolutions have been broken, and my design broken and thwarted, than for any dishonour or grief done to God; so that, though I see an insufficiency in my duties, and so cannot trust in them to save me, but forced to take another course, yet do I love these duties, and so love them as I would by that way come to heaven. Whereby unspeakable prejudice hath come to me; for God hath set himself continually against this evil and idol, in respect I have been seeking to glory and boast in it; and therefore have I never been able to keep my resolutions, lest I should doat on this Babel. And because I have been seeking mine own glory thereby, rather than to honour Christ, I think it is duty on me therefore to consider the evil of this sin, the wildness thereof, and to mourn for it, and confess it, and labour, by setting before me the work of Christ, to prefer his grace and righteousness for gaining of glory, and to the honour of purchasing heaven by my works; that the song of praise may be only to the Lamb, and not unto us. Oh it is difficult to quit self-righteousness! it is a precious idol. 7th Evil. I find a want of the Spirit, of the power and demonstration of the Spirit, in praying, speaking, and exhorting; that whereby men are mainly convinced, and whereby men see more in the Lord's people than in others; whereby they are a terror and a wonder unto others, so as they stand in awe of them; that glory and majesty whereby respect and reverence is procured, that whereby Christ's sermons were differenced from those of the Scribes and Pharisees: "He spake as one having authority, and not as the Scribes ;" that which Pauls calls "the power and demonstration of the Spirit ;" and which is mentioned, Micah iii. 8, " I am full of power by the Spirit of the Lord, to declare to the house of Jacob their sin," which I judge to be the beams of God's majesty and spirit of holiness breaking out and shining through his people, whereof they, their words and carriage, are in some measure partakers; which is mentioned, 2 Cor. iii. 18; 1 Pet. v. 1, "partakers of the glory," which now and then the Lord in some measure reveals, transfiguring them before the world, but shall one day be manifested in such a manner and measure as the saints know not what they shall be, when Christ shall be admired in them. But my foul garments are on; and, alas! I am "lying among the pots." Woe is me the crown of glory and majesty is fallen off my head; and my words are weak and carnal, and not mighty, where by contempt is bred. No remedy for this but humility, self-loathing, and a studying to maintain fellowship with God, for this made Moses' face to shine-to walk circumspectly, for a "man's wisdom maketh his face to shine," and to express holiness, and glorify God, and then the Lord will honour thee. 8th Evil. I find not direct, plain, and particular returns of my prayers, though I find indirect and material returns, whereby I have been made to see and conclude that " it hath been good for me to draw near to God;" nor can I look on my returns as the returns of my prayer. Not observing of returns I find to have great influence on this. 9th Evil. Want of blessing on my labours to others, especially the unconverted; though I know and find that saints have gotten good, and others put in some good moods. But I fear I have drawn none from Satan to God; I take but little pains in this. 10th Evil. I cannot get the lesson of patient waiting and depending on God until the end of a trial learned; but ordinarily, after I am set and engaged to wait, I misbelieve and turn impatient, and my heart goes astray and turns careless; and then possibly, when this thread is broken, I set myself to duties: and then the Lord's visiting of my spirit with new influences, is like Samuel's coming to Saul after he had sacrificed; so as I cannot say the Lord's return hath been the fruit of my waiting. So as I think I never knew what it is to abide in a patient depending, waiting on God in a night of absence till the morning, but unhappily give over my dependence, and interrupt my waiting by my carelessness, and taking comfort from some creature; which, though it proceed not from a deliberate wilfulness, as his, 2 Kings vi. 33, yet it is true I am stollen1 to do that really which he did advisedly: so that as yet I have not learned that uninterrupted waiting. that when the Lord visits my soul with refreshful thoughts of my privileges, and puts it in health, yet very much of my comfort is impaired through the remembrance of my uneven carriage during the want of it; whereby I am moved to think, that it is not leal 1 Hurried on. So |