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take, nor did I think it probable I should ever come out of it, if I were yet in it.

§ 2. My frame and condition was, 1. The terribleness of a natural condition was represented to me to the life; and no evil was so great as sin, especially a sinful nature; and, my evidences being blotted, it was so much the more terrible. 2. The Lord likewise as clothed with fury was represented to my soul. 3. The devil, getting leave, did most cruelly, tyrannically, and furiously batter my soul with objections tending to discourage me, and to create evil thoughts of God in me, and to make me believe that all this while I was living in an unconverted condition and delusion. 4. That which was not the least of my afflictions was, that I could not know my condition certainly. Oh how happy if I knew whether converted or unconverted! for then would I know what to do; but, living in this uncertainty, I am most miserable: for I had but apprehensions I was unconverted. 5. In examining of the causes why the Lord trysted me with this sudden and great storm, I thought there was none as to particular guilt, and I thought it drave at something else than punishment for particular faults. 6. My melancholy constitution, and want of company and employment, did much further my trouble. 7. There would be some calms and quietness of spirit for a great part of the day, by reading of the Scriptures especially; and Satan would cease for a while. 8. It was not with me as in other troubles: for, through grace, I was helped to make some head against Satan; I despaired not at all, nor did by any act of positive judgment conclude I would be damned; but only I saw hell, and sin, and the wrath of God; and the apprehension was terrible. Yea, there would be great attempts of faith sticking more close to God than ever, so that I never so strongly and sensibly believed; yea, I thought, as matters stood sometimes, it was impossible I should be cast off. And many times was my heart fixed, so that I was like a rock against whom all the billows in hell would dash, yet did my bow stand strong, and I never had such assurance of faith. 9. I had a deep impression of the things of God; a natural condition and sin appeared, and I

felt it worse than hell itself; the world and vanities thereof terrible, and exceeding dangerous; it was fearful then to have ado with it, or to be rich. I saw its day coming; Scripture expressions were weighty; a Saviour was a big thing in my eyes; Christ's agonies were then earnest with me, and I thought that all my days I was in a dream till now, or like a child in jest, and I thought the world was sleeping. O but I thought Shepherd and Rutherford spoke and wrote feelingly! Shame, trouble, and affliction, want and poverty, were sweet and secure. 10. Yet was I wearied of my life, and preferred strangling before it; my life was bitterness to me, and sorrow did consume me, so as there was a sensible influence on my body, and I looked like a man come from the grave; yet did none know my trouble. There was a great work to be wrought in me, and it was death to me to think to endure the power and working of God that should produce this effect, although I were little more than passive in it. 11. Duties of prayer and reading, only before I yoked with them, were a terror, and to go in private with this dead heart seemed hell itself; though, when I was engaged, they were sweet. The night was sweet, because I had some rest; but the morning was as the shadow of death, because I was to conflict. I would even have been content to have lain still perpetually, my spirits were so overfoughten. 12. The devil rested not in the meantime violently and unseasonably to press some strict duties, seeking to undo body and spirit at once, driving furiously as Jehu did.

§ 3. The manner how the Lord supported me, and did me good, and at last delivered me out of this, was by these means: Ist, By making me considerate; for, at the first assault, the end of which was to persuade me I was unconverted, this assertion was so strongly and violently threaped upon me, that ere I knew I was dung on my back, and my soul burdened and oppressed, ere I knew how or why. When, therefore, I found these weights, and my spirit overwhelmed, and the clouds up, I remembered David's words, 66 Why art thou cast down, O my soul ?" So said I, What is this? and why is it thus with me? shall I continually live in an

implicit faith, or on mine own apprehensions? and shall I be condemned, and live miserably, and never know why? Let us think and consider on this matter; there may some mystery lie at the bottom. Come, therefore, my soul, let us see what is it that ails thee. Well, I see thou art troubled, and spiritually troubled, and for a spiritual cause; now, what is this spiritual cause? Because. I found it was a suspicion that I was yet in a natural condition, and a stranger to Christ. Now, what grounds have we for this? and let us see what is to be done, and hear patiently all assertions and threaps; let this rain fall to the ground, and then fall thou to exercise. Hereupon my spirit became composed and considerate; and, having the use and exercise of my reason, it did much advantage to me, and made me that I was not like a child driven hither and thither: I was, therefore, content to ding the bottom out of this, and to examine it to the full. 2dly, I thought it expedient for settling of myself, and keeping my ground unshaken by the batteries of tentations, to lay down some practical conclusions, to which I would ever stick, and always follow, whatever came; which did me much good, and I did draw them from Christ's agonies. (1.) To continue praying still, and looking up to God, and never to give over duties; obey still, come what will. (2.) Never despair, but always trust and depend, and keep up an interest in God. (3.) Be humble and submissive; "Not my will, but thine be done." Resign yourself to God in this exercise; take not the tutory of thyself in this hazardous sea upon you; let him quicken, deaden, wound, and comfort as he pleases. I cannot express what advantage I found by this. 3dly, Means was, By being kept by the power of God in the use of all means, of praying, and reading the Scriptures, and meditating, whatever tentations I had to the contrary. And though at first I saw little comfort in these duties, but said, as those Israelites of Saul, Will these duties save me from my spiritual enemies? yet by practising I ever found strength and comfort by them, especially Scripture, in which I found an unusual weight and sweetness. 4thly, The Lord would suggest some seasonable and calming word unto my soul, such as

this, "It is good for a man to hope, and quietly to wait for the salvation of God;" then it is not good to be discouraged nor casten down. 5thly, I was made to understand that the spirit of bondage in itself was not good, from these words, "Perfect love casteth out fear." This I knew not before, and, therefore, I ever desired a lawwork, and durst never meddle with consolations till I had found the law-work; and now, if my terrors and tentations had ceased, I would grieve for that intermission, as though I had lost some precious thing. And this made me more submissive to the Lord's way of guiding me in my exercises, as likewise more freely to use consolations, and to seek recovery out of my present bondage; yea, I found that these terrors and fears did me evil in their own nature, though the Lord, I found, did accidentally bring good out of them. 6thly, The Lord made me one day understand, Satan had a great hand in my trouble, especially in labouring to create evil thoughts of God in my soul, in tempting me to despair and give over, and discouraging me, and making me think I should never be better; in a violent unseasonable pressing of duties. And hence I reasoned, If these fears proceed from Satan, why should I entertain them? Can any truth or good proceed from him? This made me suspect all was suggested to me tending to fear, and more rationally to ponder what was represented. 7thly, I fell seriously and diligently to examine this whole matter. I considered the nature of my exercise and trouble, the grounds of it, and the weight of objections; as likewise I fell upon examination of my state, I laid down my conclusions and rules, I set down my objections against my sincerity, I pondered them by the line of Scripture, and answered them; I did likewise according to Scripture judge of the marks I had of my own sincerity, and examined what might be said; I compared my state with the rule and with saints; and in the conclusion I found a marvellous light of God's Spirit, through the word, shining on my soul, and I found that according to the Scripture I was converted, and that the names, qualities, practices, and exercises of saints did agree with me; yea, I found something in me wherein I went beyond any hypocrite, though I was the least of

saints. I did utterly cast aside all marks that I had read in practical books, and did examine them by Scripture; and I found the most part of them unsound and not well cautioned, and some not altogether false, but inconsiderately expressed, and the reader very apt to mistake. As likewise there was discovered, through this examination, many of mine own mistakes in the nature of sanctification. Oh, what need is there of wisdom and light from above, in giving of marks! and what a great sin is it, either to write or speak marks at random? It is true what Shepherd saith, "We have need of a special spirit here." This cost me many weeks' exercise, and some years before this too; but the most sensible and effectual discovery of myself was now. O the benefit of consideration and a deliberate judgment! 8thly, God, by a strong hand, humbled me, and made me submissive, from a sense and sight of the Lord's sovereignty, wisdom, and eternal holiness, and from a sense of my own wildness, ("Good is the will of the Lord,") so as I was made silent before God; which silence did much abate the boisterousness of this storm, so that my heart was kept calm, and made to comply with dispensations; so as I said from my heart, My will is evil, and God is good; and better he have his will, than I that am sinful; he cannot do ill or wrong. And for this cause I did draw up some considerations to submission, which then were sensibly prevalent with me, and by considering of which I would usually allay the risings of my heart when they would appear. 9thly, I did likewise consider on some comfortable consolations and considerations tending to hope and encouragement, which I drew up, and would usually comfort my soul with them in my dark hours and dumpish fits, and did find my labour ordinarily not in vain; though sometimes nothing would do but the immediate hand of God," that I might know man liveth not by bread, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." 10thly, As likewise, in respect I found great indispositions and unwillingness to duties, and discouragements thereto, I drew up several considerations and motives to stir me up thereto, which in my fits of sloth I would use to awaken my soul, and would usually find them effectual. 11thly, In examining that difficult duty of reproving, and considering it seriously, the Lord showed

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