of a year; this was about the end of 1664, and continued till the end of 1665, during which time I was usually, though not always, at home. Now, this decay was but from that height of spiritual joy, evangelicalness in working, and degrees in communion with God; there were more tentations, less peace within, and less progress made in the ways of God; so as I was made to live upon my old stock. Attempts, when any were made, were frustrate, and things which formerly relished had now no savour at all. It came hereby to pass, that much dumpishness was upon my spirit, and duties had no effect, so that I accounted the year 1665 an unfortunate year. God had so long not looked upon me that I thought I was clean forgotten. Yet, notwithstanding, all this time there was diligence in duties, and some visits, quickenings, and encouragements, and yet far below what I formerly received. Visitations were neither so great nor the impressions so lasting. The procuring causes of which were, 1. My going from home, where I had freedom from trouble, much company and comforts to take up my heart, as likewise my too great familiarity with a conformist, and delighting too much in his company, Prov. xiii. 20, whereby his company was cursed to me. 2. Sensuality when from home, and little minding of God. 3. There was much pride in despising of others, and thinking too much of myself and of my attainments, and something of a supercilious carriage; therefore did the Lord bring me low. 4. Evil company, and going to places where I had no call, which did much prejudice. I was all this time wrestling to get out of the pit, but was more engaged, conflicting with some horrors of darkness, writing several things of faith, on obedience, on Christ's yoke, on diligence, on Christ and his offices, taking pains on the family; there was not much of the care of the world intrusted to me. I likewise was encouraging of others. § 6. But God, that loved me once, did continue to love me to the end, and after many days visited me, so as I not only recovered my former health, but set further forward than ever I was, thus, 1. By opening the covenant of grace more clearly than ever, and how that Christ was the covenant of the people, and that all stood in him, and fell in him; and that he only was the ground of their joy, hope, and confidence. And that God was first in the obligation of the covenant of grace, and that there was no tie on the creature, but the same the creature had on God. And I remember one time in private, the offer of Christ was made appear so real, clear, and full to me, and my duty of receiving so manifest, that I did very sensibly and really accept thereof, which I thought was Christ dwelling in the heart by faith. 2. At the same time I spoke in the family on the first eleven chapters to the Romans, and read Paul's Epistles through; by which I discovered a new light of justification that I never perceived before, and of the law, and of the combat betwixt the flesh and Spirit. 3. I received much strength from some private fasts I kept, to the number of three, or four, or five, never using that duty in vain. 4. About the same time in that month I had frequent occasion of converse with godly, able, and exercised Christians, some of them being in soul-trouble at the time, by which many meetings were kept, and therein something of God, whereby I was much bettered. Though in the meantime I found not the sensible effects of these occasions, yet did they me good insensibly. 5. I went to being called thereunto, and helped with extraordinary prayer before, and there was assisted to encourage others and exhort, and was helped to shine in a gospel conversation. And here I was counselled to set up one other sail, for before I prayed but twice a day, I here resolved to set some time apart at mid-day for this effect, and, obeying this, I found the effects to be wonderful. Here I began to learn patience and the nature of repentance, as likewise studied and exercised my former lessons of faith. 6. And there being a semiconformist there who was a little tricky, had carried in reference to the public times with a great deal of carnal wisdom, gravity, and piety, and so [was] in no little esteem, but then under a sad decay, which might easily be perceived by any discerning Christian; he pretended love for the people of God, but had secretly complied with the adversary, and besides did come to synods. I was of nature suspicious, and very easily found him out, and knowing he had conformed and juggled others, and finding him all out of order, the Lord did put it on me to hear him. I first spoke to him privately, then before two friends, and at last with a great deal of reluctance I refused to hear him; this was marked by others, and some esteem I had in the country did by these means break his esteem and credit in the country, so as, finding his estimation fallen while he kept the prelates' courts, he was forced at last to forsake them. And the Lord abundantly rewarded this my witnessing for him, for leaving the country and coming home, the Lord drew me so strongly to himself as the neck of indispositions was broken, and I made to close fully and heartily with Christ and his work, esteeming it only glorious, so as my heart was never in a better frame, never more assurance and singleness of heart, never more strength to do or suffer for God, never more mortification to the world, and sweetness in the ways of God; and now was I fully resolved always and in all places to glorify him. Thus was I in my height, in which time the mystery of the covenant of grace and of faith was more and more revealed to me, my spirit elevated to an higher measure of conformity to God's will; my mistakes and objections were daily falling away as the scales from Paul's eyes, and the signs of sanctification were piece and piece appearing, and I thought that ever since the time I acted faith formerly, my day was clearing, and the longer I travelled I found the way the heartsomer, and my light and glory increased beside what it was in the former days and in my wilderness condition. All this time outward troubles and wants continued, though the burden and weight and gnawings of this serpent were abated, only God stayed his rough wind; they lay on, but did neither increase nor trouble. § 7. I only observe, (1.) When all the world forsakes, then the Lord takes up; and the world's time of loathing is his time of love. I found shelter from him when forsaken of all. (2.) It is "in him the fatherless findeth mercy." I had no friend but him, Hos. xiv. 8. (3.) It is ordinary with the members to be in distress when the body is unwell. Zion the mother was ill now, and in great distress; and no wonder I should have conformity with her. "Visit me with the gladness of thy people." (4.) God's way of manifesting his love in trouble is rather by supporting and comforting under trouble, than in delivering out of it. (5.) Divine consolations and visitations are a sufficient support under, and delivery out of trouble; for, though outward wants continued, yet the evil and sting of them was by the Lord's kindness to my spirit perfectly removed, even as though I had not been afflicted. (6.) Piety hath the "promises of this life and of that which is to come." For I find, that as I turned to God, so he showed mercy outwardly to me, I got deliverances in my extremity; and besides, adversaries, though they were lying upon me, yet did no evil. (7.) A Christian life is not one constant course, but hath various changes in it, living and dying, rejoicing and sorrowing, growing and decaying. It is the wicked that "have no changes, and therefore fear not God." And this is, that the manifold wisdom of God, and the various graces of his people, might appear; and to keep them unsettled here, that they might be in a constant watch. (8.) It is not a vain thing to seek the Lord; for I never found but some extraordinary thing when I sought him extraordinarily. (9.) A Christian grows and decays as his faith grows and decays. (10.) Meditation and study of the covenant of grace, the gospel, Christ, and faith, I found a most profitable and mightily sanctifying thing. (11.) To cast out with the world, and bear the reproach of Christ, is a mighty profitable thing; "He that shall so lose his life shall find it." (12.) God is never kinder than when I am under great loads. This is the great advantage of an afflicted condition, that the Lord pities most, and shows most kindness then. And the more of the world's consolations, there is the less of Christ's consolations; and, therefore, in this the evils of the world are prized above the good thereof. (13.) God first learns to bear trouble, then delivers out of trouble. God will ever keep his people, that they be not overwhelmed in trouble; and, when they can bear it, will at last show his power and good-will in delivering them out of it for, after all this, I was not only upholden, but likewise delivered from my considerable vexations. (14.) There is never perfection to a man; in his best, some sin, some want, some enemy is remaining, that will very quickly mingle itself in all the wines of the saints. Perfection is only in heaven; here we should rejoice with trembling, here is, therefore, perpetual sorrow and conflicting. SECTION VI. Of a third fiery trial I endured for ten weeks' space, and how There was nothing I remember had ever such influence to settle me as this last storm, which continued very bitter, violent, and sharp during the space of ten weeks, in which my spirit was the most seriously exercised of any time I know; of which I shall speak but briefly, seeing I have it largely set down elsewhere. It was soul-trouble and disquietment I was under, with apprehensions of wrath, and violent tentations of Satan. §1. The grounds and occasions whereof were, 1. Considering grace to be so excellent a thing, as it is called the Divine Nature, I not seeing this glory so as to be amazed thereat, but, on the contrary, finding such wildness, concluded I wanted it. Where is the glory? said I. Are these prayers, affections, duties, and exercises, the Divine Nature? 2. In examining my evidences, I found objections against them, and none could bear water, or could at that time give me powerful, comfortable, demonstrative evidence. 3. I was pressed to some difficult duties, much contrary to my inclinations; which were, in a word, to take up arms against the world, and to reprove every man and woman, and be free with them anent their estates, and to make this my trade of life; and, because I could not comply with this, I apprehended I was not sincere, but in a natural condition, seeing I had not an universal respect to all God's commands. 4. There were some seeming grounds that might make me think I was unconverted. In a word, the ground of all my trouble was, I was afraid I was yet in a natural condition, and so lost in my sins; and, if so, I knew not what course to |