devil seeks to undermine folk in their strongest bulwarks, so must the Lord with a strong hand convince of, and teach fundamental principles, and amongst the rest persuade that there is a God, Mat. xvi. 17; 1 Cor. xii. 3. Natural belief and evidence must vanish in supernaturals. 4thly, No natural or rational evidence is sufficient to convince of atheism; for all that either I could meditate or read in books, could not do my turn, nor cure my atheism, Mat. xvi. 17, "Flesh and blood hath not revealed this." Peace is a created thing of God, Isa. lvii. 19. 5thly, Fears arising, in saints, from tentations of atheism, do proceed from this ground, because they suspect they are atheists; rather than from this, that they indeed believe there is no God. For I feared I should be damned for my atheism. 6thly, Christ outshoots Satan in his own bow, The devil sought by these tentations to shake me loose of all my principles, and make me despair; and God blessed it to be the mean of my establishing, Gen. 1. 20; Psal. cxix. 71. The Lord pitied me when he saw the devil's violence; and, whatever the beginnings of trouble be, yet the end is peace and good. 7thly, There is no case imaginable desperate, in which a man is to give over his hope. For here was as hopeless a case as ever any was in, there being no means to help, no grace in me, but stubbornness, and wrestling with God, none able to help me, all given over, the foundation shaken; and yet out of this was I helped. 8thly, Ere the devil be dung out of any principal fort, there is ordinarily a great storm raised; he is not dung out without noise. And principal substantial truths are not cheap bought. 9thly, An evil under which the soul mourns, is burdened, and which it loathes, will never destroy a man; it is ills entertained that destroy the soul. 10thly, God ever helps, and never until extremity, Deut. xxxii. 36; Isa. xli. 17, when the spirit begins to fail. 11thly, While we are here, we must resolve to meet with one evil after another to grapple with. Here is not the land of rest or peace; "In the world ye shall have tribulation," either inward or outward, or both, Jo. xvi. ult. I had no sooner come out of the wilderness, and was thinking to "multiply my days as the sand," in peace, but this storm came. "This

VOL. II.

M

is not your rest; there remaineth a rest for the people of God," 12thly, As there are troubles, so are there deliverances out of troubles; "Many are the troubles of the righteous, but the Lord delivereth him out of them all." No trouble is a saint's dead-ill, it is not unto death, Psal. xxxiv. 19. But "evil shall slay the wicked," v. 21. 13thly, God afflicts in measure, he puts no more weight upon the soul than it is able to bear. I had little or no outward afflictions to grapple with; now, the Lord "stayed his east wind in the day of his rough wind," Isa. xxvii. 8; the foundations of the great deep, which afterwards broke out, were not yet opened. 14thly, Violent tentations last not long; when the devil turns violent, his best arrows are done: Nil vehemens durabile. 15thly, A saint's first exercises are ordinarily in spirituals, ere he be set to conflict with outward troubles, that he be not turned carnal by them, but, being somewhat acquainted with the Lord's ways, may be more spiritual in his outward exercises. The Lord trains him up privately, as it were, ere he set him out to fight. 16thly, As it is ordinary with young beginners to refuse to be comforted, and to join with Satan; so do they ordinarily fail herein, and refuse to be comforted, thinking it sinful. I might [have] had many things to comfort me, had I heeded; and it is the worst they can do. 17thly, Although God saves ordinarily by means, yet it is not any virtue that is in the means that helps, but it is the Lord concurring with this or that mean. Although I grant an aptitude or rationality in the means, yet by reason of the resistance in the subject, they are ineffectual. It was a rational consideration saved me, but I had rejected many greater evidences; and I found, besides the rationality of the object, some other thing concurring, working physically, Mat. iv. 4; Hos. i. 7; Deut. viii. 3. "That thou mightst know man liveth not by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." So that, 18thly, I found not only a moral suasion on the understanding and will, but even, besides, some physical sensible touch of God's hand on the will, determining me and bowing me to assent, taking away the resistance. 19thly, Pride and stubbornness is the sting and life of evils; and by sub

mission the gall and venom and fire of them is taken away. This fastens our bonds on us, Jam. iv. 6, "God resists the proud." For I said, I would be content of terrors, but not to proceed from this ground of atheism, but from God, to show me the evil of a natural condition. When the Lord would remove his hand, I would be discontent; now, said I, the Lord is gone, and hath not done his work, and I am as graceless as ever. 20thly, Seldom do mercies good when there is over much peremptoriness in asking them. More submission would have made my deliverance much sweeter, and thankfulness and contentment with little mercies would bring in much gain, Psal. lxxviii. 29. Another storm behoved to humble me, and came a good while after, and did that which this did not; only the Lord condescended to my importunity. 21stly, Extraordinary enjoyments are not to be anxiously desired, for they have "the day of adversity" set against them, Eccl. vii. 14. "God hath set the one against the other." 22dly, Grace will some way appear in a man's lowest condition, though it be very weak. For I found something of submission from that word, Micah vii. 9. Love likewise appeared, and my heart said, "Though he kill me, yet will I trust in him." 23dly, God will deliver his people sometimes, though they be not very fitted for a deliverance; and, though there be no preparation for him, he will come. For I may say, except prayer, which my extremity put me to, there was no grace exercised; sin was not made bitter to me, there was no humiliation, no patience, no faith, no instruction learned, but roaring like a bull in the net, and crying like the raven; and yet the Lord heard that voice, and delivered me, though in his justice the deliverance was not so sweet, as I observed before. 24thly, My doubts of the being of a God did arise more through want of a demonstrative argument to prove it positively, than from any argument to prove directly there was no God; for the devil never offered to prove that there was no God, but put it on me to prove, and answered my arguments and objections, which was hard to do; and because I could not prove it effectually, I would conclude that therefore there was no God.

SECTION II.

Of a spiritual decay, and some afflictions I was trysted with for the space of two years.

My pride, and hastiness to be delivered out of my last sad exercise, was one reason, I think, that I received no more profit than I did by it. Our desires are not always best for us; the desires of the heart, and soul-leanness, go together, Psal. cvi. 15. I was but a novice in believing, and so not kept in perfect peace.

§ 1. I was then to go South, being in the year 1661, where I stayed from November, I think, till October thereafter, being to pay some money to a creditor, and to transact with some debitors, being at this time twenty-one years of age; as likewise some business did intervene there, which took me up. It was now that I began some way to mind business; I should have gone to the college, but I was otherwise taken up. In a word, except it was to spend my time, I knew no good I did all that time; only I wrote some law. I came home at last, and was a little more taken up in duty when at home than when afield, but made no sensible progress, but was as it were in the dead-throw.

§ 2. About this time my outward afflictions began to appear, and the Lord was bringing me low as to my condition in the world, by means of a person who pretended right to all we had in the world, and had some colour of law for it, our securities not being well buckled; and besides, he was an active man. He called me South, being cited for that effect; where being come, and destitute of friends and money, the times being evil, and there being much corruption in Courts, and my adversary being in great favour, and I unwilling to go to, and unskilful in law, and withal being conscious to the weakness of my own securities, I was forced and inclined to agree with him on what terms it pleased himself, giving him much of 12,000 merks, which was a considerable part of my interest; which to the ignorant and unacquainted with my affairs (as all were beside myself) did expose me to much disrespect and contempt, which

I was forced with patience to bear, and did make me to sail with a low sail. About the same time likewise, I unadvisedly bound for the sum of 8000 merks of provisions to my sisters, they being to be married, and my mother liferenting all my estate, which was not now above L.100 sterling per annum; which sums do daily run on interest, and consume my stock. And much of this I looked on as a punishment of my faults.

§ 3. I lived and continued in these sins, which about this time did mightily prevail against me; (1.) I omitted the excellent and precious occasions of getting and doing good, both in reference to myself and others, in spirituals and temporals, where I had occasions of sermons, of fellowship of saints, of books, of expeding business, and otherwise accomplishing myself, Mat. xxii. 3; Heb. x. 25; Isa. lxv. 2; Hos. viii. 12. Time was miserably mispent. (2.) There was much omission of private duties, of prayer, meditation, and reading of the Scriptures; and these were either omitted, or very slightly performed. (3.) I lived in spiritual adulteries, and gave myself to idols, to sensuality of meats, drinks, company, pastime, cards and dice; and, having "forsaken God, the fountain of living waters, I hewed out to myself broken cisterns that can hold no water." And in this life of pleasures I continued, notwithstanding of many challenges of conscience. (4.) I through this decayed in grace, lost my assurance, peace, and strength, and became very unhearty and indisposed. (5.) Playing excessively at the unlawful game of cards, spending much of the day and night therein, and in reading of romances, notwithstanding of challenges. (6.) There was extraordinary lightness in my conversation, especially with professors, when the sad times called for mourning. The work of reformation was at this time ruined; the eminent servants of Christ, some killed, some banished, their livelihood taken from them, and all generally discountenanced; wickedness advanced, and godliness borne down; faithful ministers cast, from their charges, and hirelings introduced, because they would not submit to the accursed prelacy; and yet was I making mirth when mine eyes were witnesses to all this. My outward tentations to this were abundant divertisements, carnal company, and a spirit of sloth.