and sitting with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and myself among those that were thrust out. Meat, company, and all ordinances, were a burden to me; I sat alone, and mine eyes were heavy with sorrow. Oh (said I) for some wilderness that I might lament in, and pour out this miserable soul of mine in the Lord's bosom! My hopes were gone, and I said, Farewell, all pleasant days again, and now henceforth I am entering the gloomy valley and shadow of death. No means would do me good. I looked over Mr Baxter's arguments for the truth of the Scriptures, but they seemed as straw to me, and my distempered spirit brake through them. My atheistical reasonings would shift after this manner: What knowest thou but that the apostles, who were Christ's immediate successors, out of love to him, and to their imaginations, might have gone to far off places, and there vented their doctrines, which, through process of time, might have been confirmed by proselytes, who, by the apostles' life, might have been drawn in; and their followers, while there was no printing, might have added, and, being for a long time unquarrelled, might through custom have gained a belief? In a word, all I could say or hear seemed but weak, either to persuade me or to give me peace. After the sacrament, and after my homecoming, my terrors increased, and tentations assaulted me so violently, as that I was taken off my knees, and could not pray one word; nay, they were so violent, and my fears so strong, as that I judged they could not be removed but by a miracle. And I would (said I) seek no other evidence of a divine power and being than the removing these fears; and I thought, if the Lord would condescend to this, I should doubt no more. Then was it suggested to me thus Thy heart was once so secure, so careless, that it needed an almighty power to awaken thee as now thou art; and cannot the Lord, who hath wounded thy oftentimes deemed impenetrable heart, heal it again?

§ 2. This was my condition; and the Lord was delivering, and did deliver me by these steps and means, which did kyth the working of grace in my soul, and his kindness. 1st, I was put continually to seek the Lord in the use of means, notwithstanding of all

my discouragements. I prayed, read, and meditated; and some healing I would find in these, but a cloud still came and overshadowed it; however, they did good insensibly. 2dly, One time, being at supper, some of my relations and strangers fell a commending a witty, carnal, and persecuting minister, who was an enemy to the ways and people of God. I started up, and said in a great zeal, that he was not worthy to live, and that the Lord would be about with him. Here was a well if I could see it. Thou sayest thou hatest God, and how canst thou love his people, and hate his enemies, as thou now showest thou dost? "He that loveth him that begat, loveth them also that are begotten."

But reason was weak, 3dly, Being in Mr T.

for bearing down of downright tentations. H.'s house, a godly and prudent man, his company did me much good, especially his discourses to me concerning the nature of tentations, and how the devil beats in tentations violently in the soul without reason, and dings them in as it were, and threaps by bold assertions on the soul what he would have it believe. As likewise, his prayers did me good, especially when he spake of God's condescendency, and man's stubbornness; and cited Ephraim, whom God smote, "and he went on frowardly in his ways; I have seen him, and will heal him." As likewise, the marvellous light he gave to Scriptures, and manifested a depth in them that I never perceived before, in the wonderful connection of sentences: which did astonish me, and made me see something evidencing a Godhead even in them, a wonderful excellency hid in them. Lastly, His cheerful conversation, not in a carnal way, but I thought his joy was inward, proceeding from faith in God. For the universal carnality of professors, with their discouragements, living so short of their principles, did much help forward my Atheism, as it made me think that a saint was but a fancy; but truly I thought mine eyes saw something of a saint and New Testament spirit in him, and was someway persuaded, by seeing his holiness, his cheerfulness in God, and his deep reach in spiritual mysteries, that there was a God, and a holiness attainable. And such was the power of God in him, that with his seasonable discourse and prayer, he

would charm, and calm, and quiet my storms, even when I despaired of help, and thought it impossible; though they would return again when I was gone from him. Surely I received much good by him. 4thly, But that which gave the dead-stroke to this tentation was this: When I came from that minister's house, my atheistical thoughts recurred and assaulted me in such a manner as my soul was vexed unto death, that I could bide it no longer, and through the violence of tentations was taken off my knees, and unable so much as to knit four sentences together. I at last sat down on my knees, and said to this purpose: Lord, if thou be, thou art Almighty, and canst reveal so much of thyself as may convince me, and put away this storm; I desire thee therefore to give this proof of thy power and being, as this night to put away this storm, and convince me there is a God, and that thy word is true. Lord, be not offended with my peremptoriness, for I can bear no longer; and, besides, if thou delay the revelation of thy mind herein, my suspicious heart will be ready to say, that it was time that altered my condition; and, if this very night thou do, I will look upon it as a sufficient demonstration of thy being. Determine thou the way thyself; I have opened my mouth. Lord, bow the heavens, and give not, by the continuance of my trouble, such a ground of cavil to the adversary against me, to make me doubt thou art the hearer of prayer. Immediately it was suggested, Now hold by thy word, said Satan, and thou shalt see God will not help thee this night, and let this increase thy suspicions; for sure, if there were a God, he would help when so put to it. But the Lord did bow the heavens: for, sitting pensively at the fireside, and meditating on some rational arguments for clearing of the verity of the Scriptures, and not finding any but such as might be shifted; at last it was suggested to me, and I was made to fall on these considerations: What a fool hast thou been? Art thou an Atheist because thou canst not prove there is a God? Or, is there no God because thou canst not demonstratively prove it? Suppose it possible then that a number of honest men might lie, and that the world were so mad as to believe them, and that this

lie had been carried so secretly on as never to be discovered, and all evidences to the contrary burned when the world universally turned Christians; though this were possible, is it therefore true? Have you ever seen an argument to prove there is no God, or that the Scriptures are false? But grant that the Scriptures are true, (it is possible,) what evidence could ye have of their truth that ye have not? The doctrine itself is contrary to flesh and blood, against lying and juggling, confirmed by miracles, done before the world and amidst enemies, for a long time printed copies in so many thousand hands in different countries and kingdoms, delivered by the most holy, ingenuous, and faithful men, and not contradicted by enemies. Suppose, I say, all this course had been taken as the greatest evidence of its truth, would there not still be place for such objections as now thou heapest? What more evidence would you have than this? Doth it follow, because such shifts may be given, that therefore the doctrine is not true? Might not all thy answers thou givest be given against it, though undoubtedly true? There appeared such an evidence in this reasoning, the Lord shining upon it, that by the almighty power of Christ my clouds did fly away; the bands in which I had been secretly holden ever since I was born, but not openly and violently kept, did in an instant break asunder, and all my fears evanished, and there was a calm: in which God did show much goodness, and power, and condescendency, who looked so seasonably upon me; for, if this night had passed over, the greatest evidence imaginable, I could have gotten matter of objection against it. Some dregs of this trouble remained, but I was delivered out of it; and after this continued half-a-year like one in a dead-throw, had little sense, wrestling with several tentations and difficulties. About this time there broke out a great sluice of profanity and persecution; the men of power cried down godliness, covenant, and work of reformation; godly ministers were deposed, and wicked, scandalous ministers set up in their places; and none counted loyal but such as could swear and health; and godliness was a crime sufficient. Lord, what a world was this! Nothing but drinking, swearing, mocking of godliness,

and the freedom of the country lost; for some three months after this my condition was as the dawning of the day.

§ 3. The ends of which dispensation were, 1st, To give proof to me of the Lord's condescendency and love; which I very eminently saw in this. 2dly, To convince me by a strong hand of my atheism, and, by healing me in such a forlorn condition, showing an infinite power. For atheistical thoughts came divers times before this to my door, but these unclean spirits went out, and were not cast out, and therefore came again; until that now, as it were in a pitched battle, they were overthrown and cast out with a strong hand, and never after was I troubled with them. 3dly, To awaken me out of security, and to keep from it in time to come, that I might not rest in enjoyments, but, "forgetting what is behind, may press forwards;" to keep me waking, exercised and busy. I slept, and therefore this cry came. 4thly, To discover my wickedness, misery, and weakness, when left of God and given up to myself: "Woe also unto them when I leave them!" 5thly, To put me out of conceit with legal terrors; for I thought they were good, and only esteemed them happy that were under them. They came, but I found they did me ill; and, unless the Lord had guided me thus, I think I would have died doating after them. 6thly, To mortify me to extraordinary enlargements; for I found they never come but a clap comes after them. That which so afflicted me, in this condition, was my ignorance, and want of sufficient knowledge of the object of believing, and too much haste in yielding to what Satan said, and some evil principles I had; for I thought it was sinful in me to seek to strengthen my soul, or to comfort it. I did not remember former experiences.

§ 4. From which I learn, 1st, Weak faith, or faith in the beginning, is never able to endure assaults of tentations; and therefore God himself must help immediately, Mat. viii. 25, 26. 2dly, There may be much of God in a dispensation, and much to be learned, and yet not noticed at first till a long time thereafter; for it is not long since I saw the well of waters that was here, John xiii. 7; Deut. viii. 3, "In the latter end you shall consider it." 3dly, As the