and sanctifies the heart, 1 John iii. 3; Acts xv. 9. 17thly, There may be faith in the heart, though it doth not manifest itself in express acts of believing to those that have it; yea, there may be great ignorance of the nature of faith in speculation; as the child lives, though he knows not that it is so, nor can tell the conceipt of life, John xiv. 7, 8, compared with v. 16, 17; Acts xix. 2. 18thly, Wherever God begins to do good, either to reveal or quicken, he will not leave off, but will manifest himself more and more, John xiii. 7; Mat. xiii. 31. He will perfect his work unto the end. 19thly, There may be a real closing with Christ, and yet felt deadness and hardness. A sick faith is a living faith, John v. 40, and xi. 25. Nor is the soul in this case to stand at a distance with Christ. 20thly, The "kingdom of heaven," either outward or inward, "cometh not with observation," John iv. 14; and the foundations of the temple may be matter of mourning, and little glory seen therein; "The day of small things;" a great stream may proceed from a small fountain. The Lord comes not in the thunder nor earthquake, but in the "still voice." We think, like Naaman, that when God comes to the heart, he will appear in visible glory, as sometimes he doth; yet at other times his voice is not heard in the streets, and he "groweth as a tender plant out of the dry ground," and there is little beauty seen in him. poor beginning was all this of a life of faith!

What a

CHAPTER VI.

OF MY PROGRESS AND GROWTH, AND ESTABLISHMENT IN THE WAYS OF GOD.

SECTION I.

How, after closing with Christ by Faith, I was assaulted with terrible Tentations, and how delivered.

I continued in some peace for ten days' time, still expecting some extraordinary thing, but had not the impressions of joy I had

in the beginning so deep upon my spirit as at first; there came a cloud and overshadowed me thus :

§ 1. The Lord left me as to that measure of his comforting and quickening presence: for herein the world is not rest, but a place of labour, change, sorrow, and pain; and, therefore, I behoved to draw in the yoke. 2dly, I liked ease and rest; and now, when the Lord had broken my bonds and yoke, I thought there was no more for me to do, I dreamed of no cloud or night; and, since the main was secured, I did not apprehend such a necessity of labour, but would have been at sleeping in my nest; or else, if I must needs pray and fight, I desired to be taken up in Christ's arms as I was at first, and to be passive, and Christ to do all, Hosea xi. 3; Psal. xxx. 6. I said, like Peter, "It is good to be here ;" and I said, "Let us make a tabernacle," until a cloud overshadowed me, which, when it did, I, expecting in vain Christ's return in the same manner, got other work to do. 3dly, Not finding ease, nor peace, nor rest, in God, because I would not dig for it, I behoved to have it from the world, and therefore turned slothful, and for some time followed vanities, seeking rest, until (reproved) I went to prayer, but got no good. I took up Shepherd's "Sound Believer," and there I read this question, "How shall I know whether my whole soul hath come to Christ ?" He answers, "When Christ alone gives sufficient satisfaction, so as there is no need of idols and lusts." For this, ah! said I, I do not thus; for my heart runs out continually after idols. How couldst thou think (said conscience) that wast so dead, to close with Christ with the whole soul? Have not the effects discovered thy unsoundness and hypocrisy? See to the whorishness and adulteries of thy heart, and by that judge of thy love in marrying Christ. Doth not thy unstedfastness in his covenant prove that thy heart was not right with God at first, and that thou liedst unto him when thou soughtst and closedst with him as the Rock of thy Salvation? I was made, upon this, to conclude that all my lifetime I was violently carried with a delusion, which made the sky very black. This tentation was so violent, as there was no resisting of it, whereby my heart became sorrowful, strength

less, and discouraged. Oh! what shall I, what should I, nay, what can I do now? Can I bestow more pains than I did? Have I learned anything? Then did I know the meaning of that word, "Thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down." To have known before, while I suspected no less, that I was wrong, would not so have shaken me; as, after some assurance of favour, to be cast down to hell; heart and hand was taken away from me; I did not reason the matter, but yielded easily and quickly. Now were my foundations shaken, and a breach made as to my interest in God, and in the grounds which the Lord had made me lay; a whole sea followed. 4thly, This was not enough; Satan was let out upon me, to trouble me with atheistical thoughts, which had like serpents been hissing, and had appeared, but were quieted, though not killed; a certain token that they would, when occasion offered, break out most violently. Oh! said I, what a delusion have I been in? I was never convinced nor humbled, nay, I think, never convinced that there was a God, or that his word was true. Now, the Lord leaving me, and Satan being permitted, and being with former exercises naturally melancholy, atheistical tentations were driven most violently upon me, upon which great and sensible horror fell upon my spirit; which did arise, not so much from the thoughts of this, that there was no God, as from the thoughts that myself was an Atheist, and that I had not a lively demonstrative argument for proving effectually and powerfully that there is a God. Oh miserable creature! cried I, that perished not at first when under horror, ere I had known any thing of God, but to live till now, till I had contracted more guilt and punishment! O happy when I thought I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost! For then there were hopes that, while I believed the Scriptures, by them I might be persuaded that I had not sinned it; but now no remedy is left. When the foundations are loosed, what means can I use? To whom shall I go when I doubt the being of God? How shall I be convinced? How shall I pray? 5thly, Looking to the dispensation I was under, and the remedilessness of my condition, and the sadness of this Providence, my

melancholy thoughts, of which Satan made his use, represented God as terrible and fearful to me, as one who had been watching all my lifetime to do me evil, that had been deluding me with frames of spirit, and that was now manifesting that hid displeasure against me, which he bore me this long time, and let me see he would take vengeance of me. I thought, or apprehended, God's wrath and prejudice was more at my person than faults; in a word, God was terrible and fearful to me, so that I was all taken out of other, and disjointed. 6thly, This fire did make the great scum and filth of rebellion appear, and that hatred that was in my heart against God appear. My natural corruptions were stirred more violently than ever, in averseness to God; and so, "when the law came, sin revived, and I died." He was fearful to me; the reading of Scripture and prayer had no taste, nay, these means were terrible to me, so as it was much that put me to duty at all. Oh how happy then, (said I,) when under my first terrors, by what I am at this time! While terrors formerly were upon me, I could pray, delight in prayer and other means, which were exceeding sweet unto me; but now, alas! duties are a burden, a wearisomeness, and terror unto me, and occasionally increase my trouble. For, whenever I read Scripture, a thousand atheistical thoughts were injected in my soul; and therefore my case is most hopeless. Now the Lord loves me not, and my soul abhors him; my heart is so wicked, that though with Spira I say it not with my tongue, yet wish I that there were no God; he is strange and terrible unto me, an enemy, and therefore hateful to me. Then did I find that the carnal mind is enmity against God; I was a right representation of the damned in hell-tormented and hopeless, and raging against God and his providences, sometimes I would say, What a strange thing is this! thou thinkest there is no God, and yet art afraid of him. The truth is, I did not positively believe that there is no God, but was afraid that I did not believe that there was one; and my fear of God did prove a God, and my belief of a Deity. 7thly, It did not a little heighten my sorrows, that I was within fourteen days to partake of the sacrament. The

condition I was in, and the want of the evidences of grace, made me look on communicating as a dreadful business; and the pride of my heart was such, that having been known for a professor, and to have resolved to communicate, it would be thought a weakness not to communicate, and hazard my estimation with them. And for this cause I was the more diligent to get oil, and to get my wedding-garment on; but found not such returns as upon the like occasions I had hitherto found, partly through sloth, and partly through the pride of my heart; so that I was, on the Sabbath-day morning that I was to communicate, in as sad a taking as I was ever before, utterly jumbled, and at a distance with God, and full of horror and atheistical tentations. 8thly, It is true, that for some time it pleased God to suspend these storms, and to give a calm, by binding up Satan for a time; and it continued thus until three days before my communicating. I wondered how they could be removed when the cause was not taken away; and therefore they came again, so as, when I came to the table, they assaulted me. Then would I say to myself, Oh poor wretched soul! thou hast oftentimes desired a conviction and a law work, and now thou hast one to purpose, and claw it off again if thou canst; see what good it doth thee. O how unkindly and diabolical are the convictions that are now-a-days! The occasion and ground of my trouble were atheistical tentations, and hard cruel thoughts of God, which Satan did violently beat in upon me; as likewise it did afflict me, that I could not get rid of all sin, and that I could not get resolved to do all duties, especially the duty of reproof, to which I was averse through my natural bashfulness. 9thly, My trouble was increased by my communicating, especially by conversing with others, I found that the Lord that day had been distributing largely; and it was ordinary with them to express themselves thus, "I have found him." Oh, said I, and am I only a bastard? Hath he given to every one their allowance and portion, and famished, and never so much as looked on me? This struck me dead, and I was no longer for company. The more spiritual sermons were, and societies were, the more was I troubled. I saw, as it were, them coming from east and west,