ever, and thereby stand out all storms; for these good moods I was in could not comfort me or uphold me when my conscience was distressed, nor yet could they maintain themselves, but still decayed. And, therefore, this not being my rest, I was to seek it another way, Jer. 1. 6, and that I might know man's life is not upholden by means as by the Lord, in or without them: "Man liveth not by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." For this is natural to us, to depend upon what our eyes see, and not to look to him who is invisible, who indeed is "all in all." Now, the insufficiency of duties and selfrighteousness did appear by these things: 1st, I never had full peace by them in their best, nor could they answer all accusations; some bone was still sticking. 2dly, They could not give full satisfaction nor contentment; something was wanting; they were bread which satisfied not. 3dly, The roots of sin did not appear to be taken away, and there was but little advantage gotten against corruption, it appeared still in its strength; and but very indiscernible growth in grace. 4thly, It could not hold out in temptations; but whenever there came a storm I was dung on my back, giving all hopes over. 5thly, When deadness came, there was no substance in what I met with to quicken me, as I now find in the promises, and flesh and blood of Jesus Christ. 6thly, They could not last, but perished when I was revived; and, therefore, finding this, and that I but spent my strength in vain for "bread that profiteth not," I was made dead to them, and had no comfort in them or from them, but in so far as they were appearances of Christ's coming, and did prognosticate that he was not far away; and therefore looked up for that bread which endureth for ever. Surely this is not my rest; I wanted security, satisfaction, and strength in all these things. The 6th end was, To break my pride and stubbornness, which did not kyth so much in good thoughts of myself, (for I saw I was empty,) but in this, in liking to save myself by my own strength, and means, and way. For when I was beat out of all this, I thought that if I would wait, and not depart wickedly from God, I should herein have peace; and, upon

I

this, projected to myself certain rules by which to walk. This I put no question to do and keep, and was confident enough, and would have no other way but this, because this was my own choosing, and that with a secret end of exalting myself, and getting a name before God of a righteous person. But God seeing me, "set my heart as the heart of God," Ezek. xxviii. 2, and abhorring the pride thereof, did resist me continually; and what by desertions, what by temptations, did so order it, as I was unable to keep my resolutions, his counsel standing, and my resolutions falling; and, "in the thing wherein I dealt proudly, he was above me." I fell many times, nay, almost every time, through unwatchfulness; and this made me murmur and grieve more that my purposes were broken, and the building I had framed, like the spider's web, hurled down, than that God was dishonoured. Prov. xix. 3, My foolishness perverted my way, and my heart fretted against the Lord, and likewise fretted that, the case being so, he should punish. gave no glory to God, who had "power over these plagues," Rev. xvi. 9. And, notwithstanding I fell, yet, like Tyrus, I would say, "I was God," to him before whom I fell, Ezek. xxviii. 2, and would ever be trying to establish my own righteousness, not acknowledging mine own insufficiency, nor acknowledging that it is God that doth what He wills, and that none saith and it cometh to pass but God. And God, by his Providences, did prove this, and made me like an ox eat grass; yet would I not be convinced that the Most High ruleth, and it is yet a part of my exercise to get quit of this spirit, Ezek. xxviii. 6, 9; Dan. iv. 25, 27; Exod. xviii. 11. And therefore it came to pass, that the Lord did constantly crush me in my will and resolutions. And, when he was pleased to show mercy, it was neither in the time, way, or manner when I either resolved to have it, or expected or desired; and all this to let me know that the Most High directeth the ways of man, and that grace is a man's best charter, and to bow and break this will to submit to God in all dispensations, and to be carried to my journey's end what way soever he pleased, though through

mire and dirt, Ezek. xx. 32, "That which cometh in your thoughts shall not at all be."

§ 8. From which I observe this: 1mo, That folk may contract by backsliding what they will not in a very long time recover again, and the dregs of it may remain after they are indeed begun to return to the Lord; it is not easy to twin with sin, Joshua xxii. 17. The iniquity of Baal-peor, though long since contracted, and much cost wared on it, yet [is] not purged away until this day. The security and indispositions I then contracted I am not free from yet. 2do, A man's whole life is but a conversion; and the Lord, after every kind of backsliding, draws after the same way as at the first conversion, yea, and deals so with them as they may seem never to have been converted before, Mat. xviii. 3. Yea, I found a more distinct preparatory work after my first drawing than ever before. For the Lord did things in a clap at first, and in a very little time did let me see that I was undone, that I was not converted, nor could convert myself; and the insufficiency of duties, and an unconverted condition, with God's wrath, had some impressions on my spirit. And then the Lord revealed Christ unto me, on whom I believed, and with whom I closed. But now the Lord did draw me very clearly, and did insist in every step so, as that all the knowledge I have of the work of preparations, I have it from what I met with after I knew Christ, more than from what I met with at first. 3tio, The strongest, last, and bitterest enemy the Lord hath, and which he abhorreth most, is spiritual pride; against this he setteth himself mainly; I mean, the vain-glorious confidence folk have in their own strength, and to be saved by their own righteousness, and to have their own wills fulfilled. It is hard to get our high conceits down, and it is hard to get the will broken to be submissive to the Lord's will in all dispensations, and it is hard to get folk to glorify God, and make use of his righteousness, Ezek. xxviii. 9; Prov. xix. 3. It is easy to let a man see he is not converted, that he cannot save himself; but it is hard persuading him that he can do nothing, not so much as to be thankful for the least mercy. Ye will not persuade him to live,

and live only in, to, and by another, and submit himself, his will, in all things, to God; and with a holy contentedness to submit to have his resolutions broken, and God glorified; and contented and satisfied in this, that the counsel of the Lord hath taken effect. 4to, It is the frequency and constancy of God's waterings that doth good, rather than any measure of a particular fit or visitation; and from this more love may be gathered, John xv. 7, "If my words abide in you." "He that endureth to the end shall be saved." Balaam had a strange fit. These waterings, through their frequency and constancy, in process of time did good, did sanctify, did humble, did make me delight in duty, and draw to God, and from the world. "Gutta cavat lapidem, non vi, sed sæpe cadendo." Hosea iii. 3, "Thou shalt abide for me many days." And that which cometh by degrees hath most last. 5to, Unwatchfulness is a constant and only evil, prejudicial to a progress in grace, Mat. xxvi. 41. 6to, "Man liveth not by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." I owe any thing that was wrought in me to his grace and goodness, and not to my own resolutions, nor to any means whatsomever. "O people, saved by the Lord!" I did by many experiences find a horse a vain help. 7mo, Folk, in returning to God, are drawn by degrees, by little and little, and not all at once. As first, to put in their heart to seek God, then a remissness, then a turning more serious, then to find more sweetness in the Lord and his ways. "By little and little will I drive them out." And, therefore, folk may be converted, though they remember not of any special day, that might be as a time to pass reckoning upon; do as ye may, and be drawn according to God's will, who "leads the blind in a way that they know not." 8vo, The way to heaven is a tedious, wearisome, narrow, and strait gate, even a terrible and great wilderness, Deut. viii. 15, that heaven may be the sweeter when it comes. Oh how much need of patience is there! and what thankfulness owe we, when we come to any place where there are fountains of water! Let us not think strange if thus we find it. 9no, There is not, possibly, in some, so much sensible joy as at their first

conversion, of which many reasons may be given; no such singing as when brought out of Egypt; the fatted calf is slain at first, Luke xv. 23. The gold and prize is seen at the break of the race, and at the race's end; folk have most need of it then. They were not sent to the war the first year. 10mo, All must be in some measure humbled ere they get any good; meekened and made silent before, and submissive to God, Lev. xxvi. 41. 11mo, All exercises as to circumstances are not alike in Christians; one Christian's pace is not a method or a rule for another. 12mo, There may be a wearying and loading, and real humiliation, though there be no terrors on the soul. 13tio, Sense of a dead hard heart is an effectual means to draw to Christ, yea, and more effectual than any other can be, because "dead, miserable, and naked," Rev. iii. 18. 14to, God is ever carrying on his work in a soul, or in a kingdom, though we do not always perceive it: for he carries it on insensibly; the seed grows, and thou knowest not how; he hath his way in the storms: "I girded thee with strength, though thou knewest not." Yea, when we think he is standing still, or going backward, yet he is going forwards. 15to, Hope is the first step of recovery, and all the sorrows of the elect have hope in them; therefore, let every one labour to settle this well, Ezra x. 2, "There is hope, therefore let us turn." 16to, The beginnings of grace are very small, poor, and unpromising, like a grain of mustard seed, Mat. xiii. 31; Ezek. xlvii. 3, 4, 5.

SECTION III.

How I was drawn to God, and made to close with him by faith.

For any thing I could learn of myself, or discern, I had the seeds of grace and faith before this time; but yet I lived more by sense than any other way, and therefore I fell and rose as sense was up or down, and so never came to any settlement, like a wave tossed up and down. And so the Lord, intending to settle me, did beat me from sense, and made me learn a more excellent way,