§ 5. Step 5th. I began then to fall more closely to work, and to put other sails on, and more irons in the fire; for then did I write diaries, make vows and covenants, and to fall to the work of selfexamination, and to write some infant notions of practical divinity, and my meditations on several texts, which did me good, and at first helped me forward, and suited me well.

§ 6. Step 6th. The Lord by duties wearied me with them, and mortified me to my self-righteousness, and did with labour bring down my heart. 1st, He discovered unto me, and let me feel the evil and power of my heart. Then did I groan under the burden of a dead, blind, and carnal heart, and the body of death was my great exercise, and heart-ills, especially hardness of heart. And thus more sensibly than ever I was wearied and burdened with my heart, though not in horror. 2dly, The Lord let me see the sinfulness of all my duties and best actions; the formality, lifelessness, and corrupt principles whence they proceeded, and my great shortcomings, so as I knew these were not my Saviours, and turned mine eyes from them. 3dly, I was wearied and loadened with myself, my sins, and duties, trailed through various dispensations, and burdened with feckless labour. I saw I could not put my heart in a frame, nor keep my heart in a frame when it was in it, but still did break my resolutions. My duties, they yielded neither peace nor satisfaction, nor did they mortify sin; for I was but rowing against the stream, and after a long time worse in my own conceit than before. I was dying sometimes, and living again; when like to die, the Lord would look upon me, and put it in my heart to seek him, and would send down influences, and enlarge my soul with love and desires after himself, and sorrow for sin, and new resolutions; and this would quicken me for a while, and make me hope and seek the Lord. And then again the Lord would depart, and my soul would be overclouded, and I would turn unwatchful, and fall to my ordinary sins, and depart from the Lord, and sin in words. And with this I was vexed, because my resolutions were broken; and I was discouraged, and despaired ever to come up; and was weakened, thinking, how shall I look the Lord in the face?

What security can I now give him for my behaviour? Until at last that no frame or duty could give me comfort at all. And, when my heart was enlarged, I said, I have enough of delusions, let me alone. Yet, whilst thus discouraged, not knowing what to do, and unable to think of what might do me good, God would shine in upon my soul; and among a hundred visits of this kind he gave me, and by which he many times restored my dying-out heart to life, he was pleased still to come out and create a new thing, some new ground, and the floods would still increase. How often have I said, Now, sure the Lord will come, and will not tarry; now I shall keep fast what I have. But I was deceived; "All flesh is grass, and the glory thereof withereth." I have said sometimes in my extremity, Now, what is it that can quicken me? Surely I can never recover out of this, though God should open windows in heaven. Then would the Lord show his power and condescendency, and would quicken me, and put away my fears, and make me look cheerful, and cause me put on new resolutions. In a word, I was thus wearied and burdened in a wilderness for the space of three full years, and poured from vessel to vessel.

§ 7. Step 7th. When all failed, and that I was at the point of dying, the Lord would send some extraordinary thing, some fit word, some good book, that would quicken me and strengthen me sometimes to spend half nights in prayer. Sometimes, meeting with other Christians, the Lord would rain some seasonable word; and nothing did me more good than stories relating to God's dealing with others. Likewise, being in the South, the Lord trysted me with a powerful New Testament ministry, which did keep in my dying life, and greatly encouraged me; many a time was my swooning life revived, and I brought from the gates of death. Yet these waterings insensibly sanctified me more and more both in heart and conversation, and made heavenly things relish with my soul; and by them I was made more capable to receive the Lord, and my eyes therewith kept waking. And this I look upon as my wilderness condition.

§ 8. Step 8th. The Lord having fully wearied me with my sins,

heart, duties, and enlargements, and poured me from vessel to vessel; and looking for help in and from another, he did next humble me. For after all this there remained a pride of heart, which kythed not in the estimation I had of my self-righteousness, but in the frowardness of my will, which would not submit to such searchings, but secretly fretted and murmured, like these, Prov. xix. 3. I thought God made it all his work to cross me, and hence was disquieted with falls, and not kindly humbled; and withal, some murmuring at the Lord's delays. For one day reading on the Sabbath afternoon on Shepherd's "Sound Believer," after I had come very unprofitably from sermon, and withal discouraged, being August 1660; the place I read on was of the nature of humiliation, and how the Lord works it in his elect, (by convincing the soul of the equity of God's proceeding with it, and thereby the soul is made quietly and willingly to bear what the Lord pleaseth to determine anent it, without repining or murmuring,) in reading of which, and of his motives and reasons of submission, the Lord opened my eyes, and bowed my heart, so as I saw his equity in his dealing towards me, and complied in my will and affections to his dealings, submitting myself to him without quarrelling or murmuring, in another way and manner than ever I did before. 1mo, I saw clearly and rationally the Lord's equity, and absolute dominion he hath over all, to do with them as he pleaseth; and that he did nothing with me but what was fitting, Lam. i. 18; Dan. ix. 7; Jer. xii. 1. The murmurings and swellings of my heart were quieted and calmed; I was no more like the raging sea, but in a calm and quiet frame, like one newly cooled out of a raging fever, Lam. iii. 28; Lev. x. 3; Psal. xxxix. 9. I disputed now no more against God or his proceedings. 2do, My heart, even my affections, were made to comply with my present dispensations; I did willingly bear the yoke, Mic. vii. 9; Lam. iii. 28; so that I was satisfied with whatever came to pass; "It is the Lord," &c. 3tio, I did put myself in his will, to do to me as it seemed good; so as, if he put me in hell, I should not murmur nor complain of injustice, 2 Sam. xv. 26. This was wrought in a low measure, and did proceed more from the

sense of God's sovereignty than of his justice, and was rather negative in not murmuring, than positive in a hearty compliance with evils. And thus was the frame and work of humiliation wrought in me; and I continued herein for a month, suffering every thing, and doing what the Lord required.

§ 9. Step 9th. After I was in this low measure humbled, I proceeded another step, even to resign myself to the Lord. It was occasioned by reading a sermon of Mr Andrew Gray's, on these words, "My son, give me thy heart." I was made to comply with that command, so as, though I could not say I was quite conquered by the love of Christ so fully to give up myself, yet through sense of want and misery, and some old love to Christ, and withal hoping it might be a mean to do me good, and willing to comply with a command, I did legally and affectionately dispone my heart to Christ. "O Lord," said I, "though I cannot command this evil heart to love thee, nor myself to serve thee; yet, if I have power or right of it, I here legally renounce that right in thy favours, and by these presents make over myself to thee, and all that is within me. Now, Lord, take me at my word, and take advantage of this to claim me as thine own; accept the real motions of my will. Oh that Christ would now look on me as his, and pretend right to me, and make use of this right!" In the strength of this I walked for some time, though it did not always satisfy. For I could not believe that though I was sincere and affectionate in this, that ever my disposition could give Christ a right to me, unless he likewise did accept it. "Lord, thou offerest thyself to me, (said I,) and I cannot take thee; Lord, I likewise offer myself to thee, thou mayest take me, but wilt not. Oh! others take advantage of my bargains; Oh that Christ would do so, and challenge a claim and right to me! Lord, thou sayest thou art willing to do me good; Lord, I offer myself to thee to do with me what thou wilt; only let me not be guided by myself." Here came I, and I did stick and wrestle for some time striving to come forth. This was in July, and I continued till the latter end of August thus.

SECTION II.

Relating some things touching my humiliation and wilderness condition.

§ 1. The frame and exercise of my heart while in this condition was, 1mo, I found great deadness and hardness of heart; and this I mourned under, as my greatest evil. I now thought I could never win to be so sensible of my condition as I ought to be, and in my heart I desired a law-work again. 2do, I was in great blindness and distance with Christ, and therefore much lamented my ignorance of him; and therefore was unsatisfied with my greatest attainments, in respect I saw not himself; or, if I did, it was very darkly. 3tio, I wanted assurance, and was in the dark as to my interest, and rather was inclined to think myself not converted than converted, and was seeking and hoping for something; and any thing I met with made me rejoice, as it was an evidence of some good to come to me, rather than as it was a token of any good already gotten. I had no foundations settled. 4to, I was inconstant ; my goodness was as the morning dew, so as my great complaints were, that my heart would not retain or keep the divine impressions that were on it now and then, Hos. vi. 4. 5to, I was full of unbelief, constructing hardly of God and of his ways, and of myself; which unbelief, though as yet I saw it not as a sin, yet did me much evil. I thought ill that I was delivered from my terrors, Exod. xvii. 3. 6to, I was tormented with this, that I met not with that sweetness and fellowship in ordinances as I desired, but barren for the most part to my soul; not being thankful for the day of small things, such as quickening, healing, encouragement, and comfort; and not humbled for wants when nothing was spoken to me. 7mo, There was security and unwatchfulness, whereby my heart was ready to grow careless, by which I continually fell to some sins of conversation, which did break my peace.

§ 2. I ordinarily then slipped in these sins, which did break my peace: 1mo, Departing from God in heart, in turning secure and careless, and suffering my heart to go out of all tune, through not