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more serious, 2 Cor. i. 4, and v. 14; Psal. xxxiv. 4, 5, 6, 11. 4thly, That God might by me show a pattern of all long-suffering, who obtained mercy being so wild, 1 Tim. i. 16. 5thly, To show his justice as he is the governor of the world. I was very wicked, and by the law deserved severe punishment; I trampled on God's kindness and goodness. And therefore did the righteous Lord make me find sin bitter, and for this cause delivered me over to Satan ; he took me in his own hand and corrected me, not willing that I should die and be condemned either with or for the world, 1 Cor. xi. 32; 2 Sam. xii. 13, 14. 6thly, To hold out and represent (to others) the Lord's goodness, love, and condescendency, that by this experience of his love my heart might be endeared to him, Psal. cxvi. 1, "I will love the Lord, because he hath heard my prayers." Which love of his was kythed in delivering me from so great depths so unexpectedly and by himself, and so fully and clearly after all means had been used in vain; and to me who was so ignorant and wild, and by my unbelief and murmuring more wild, yet he came over all, and "freed me from my fears," Isa. lvii. 16, 17, 18. 7thly, To ding out the bottom of that tentation, and to pluck it out by the roots, whereby I was made to believe that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; which the Lord did now so fully and clearly, that I never after was troubled with it. And this was all Satan gained by this encounter. 8thly, I think it was a mean to make me live by faith, and to spean' me from sense, 1 Pet. i. 24, 25, seeing by experience I found that all these sensible glories are but grass that withers, and so not to be leaned on; but the Lord's word endureth for aye.

§ 4. I will conclude with remarking some instructions and lessons I learned from these providences. 1st, It is more sure to live by faith than by sense; the life of sense is a life of uncertainties, exposed to assaults, 2 Cor. v. 7; 1 Pet. i. 24. 2dly, There is ordinarily in the day of espousals something extraordinary of God's love and glory manifested; the fatted calf is killed when first the prodigal is brought home, Luke xv. 22, 23. No less can assure 1 Wean.

them of their Father's love, nor take away their wildness, and make them comply with their new life. Hence, Hos. ii. 15, "I will make thee sing as in the days when I brought thee out of the land of Egypt." 3dly, The soul in conversion closeth chiefly with the person of Christ, Jer. iv. 1, "If thou wilt return, return to me;" and the not doing hereof is complained of, Hos. vii. 16, "They return, but not to the Most High." 4thly, Grace makes a great, wonderful, and universal change, changing the outward life and inward frame, 2 Cor. v. 17, "All things are new ;" new prayers, new love, new company, new opinions, and new principles. A man is much different from what he was, not only while a profane man, but even while a civil or moral man under some common work. 5thly, One main way by which a gracious frame is kythed is in love to the saints, and joining with them, Acts ix. 26. Converted Paul essayeth to join himself with the disciples. 6thly, There may be much corruption to be mortified in a soul newly brought in to God, and under great flashes. For notwithstanding of all this diligence, delight in duties and joy, I was full of ignorance, unbelief; selfish, proud, conceited and light. Grace is indeed but small when it begins, Mat. xviii. 3; Mark iv. 31, unknown to themselves; little faith, patience, and rooted love, though some flashes there may be. 7thly, The Lord draws sweetly and gently; and, in the work of conversion, much of his love, of his power, and of his glory, is outed and expressed in that act and work, John x. 16, and vi. 44, 45; Hos. xi. 3, 4. The work of conversion hath much of God engraven on it. 8thly, Greatest flowings have greatest ebbings, Psal. cii. 10, "Thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down." Mat. iii. 17, with Mat. iv. 1; 2 Cor. xii. 4, 7. 9thly, Sudden and extraordinary flashes of joy and spiritual enlargements are more dangerous, and not so firm, as that which is less sensible and attained by degrees and pains. The bad grounds received the word with joy, and sprang up suddenly; but the good ground brings forth fruit with patience, Luke viii. 15, and Mat. xiii. 20. 10thly, Whatever good comes suddenly (let it be sincere, or unsound, and so but an appearing good) will not continue in that height, but these tides and inun

dations will come to their ordinary channel again, some seeds and impressions and dippings may remain, but "all flesh is grass," 1 Pet. i. 24. "We walk by faith, and not by sight,” 2 Cor. v. 7. I had never an extraordinary enlargement, either of joy, strength, or sanctification, but the waters dried up. There are no sudden steps in grace; "I will not drive them out all at once," Exod. xxiii. 29. "They shall go from strength to strength," Psal. lxxxiv. 7. "The kingdom of heaven is like leaven," that leavens all insensibly, Mat. xiii. 33. Be content to get matters wrought by degrees, strength, labour, and pains; and murmur not at the tediousness thereof, neither expect great things suddenly; or if you meet with some such thing, look not for the continuance thereof, till by degrees ye come up to it. 11thly, Little difference appearing from a sudden rapture of joy betwixt what is in saints and hypocrites, it were wisdom, when we examine our estate, to examine rather by the whole course of the life, than by one particular work. Continued kindness to the Lord speaks more than any particular enjoyment, though never so extraordinary, Psal. xxiii. 6, and xxxvii. 37, "Mark the perfect man's end;" see what all ends in. Conclude not peremptorily from beginnings of any, either as to good or evil; I could build little on this, if I did not see it backed with an after-tract of kindness; or else might have thought it the tasting of the powers of the world to come. The great visible difference of the good ground from the stony ground was a fruit brought forth to perfection. Foolish virgins' lamps will go out at last, Mat. xxv. 12thly, The more pains and the longer continuance the work of preparation will be of, the deeper; the more solid and glorious the superstructure will be, Mat. xiii. 21, "It wanted deepness of earth." 13thly, Unbelief and doubting of interest is Satan's first tentation to apostacy, Luke iv. 3; Heb. iii. 12; Jer. ii. 28; Lam. i. 9, for I found, when unbelief came, it made a breach for all other evils. 14thly, Legal terrors in themselves tend to evil, though God accidentally drives good in them; and therefore not to be simply desired or cherished, 1 John iv. 18; Gal. iv. 24, 30; Rom. vii. 9, yet the Lord brings "meat out of the eater." 15thly, One main evil

young converts are subject unto is mistakes, (as we may see by Scripture examples and our experiences,) especially anent the nature of sanctification and God's love, which, until cleared, is matter of sad exercise. I had many mistakes, which were as breaches leaving me open continually, and for many years, to the assaults of the enemy; of which I will speak afterwards. 16thly, Not one remarkable circumstance of providence wherewith his people are trysted, whether sweet or sour, good or evil, but in the end proves there was mercy in it, Psal. xxv. 10, "All his ways are mercy and truth to them that fear him ;" which, though for a while, through our not regarding it, or unbelief misconstructing all, appears not, yet it is so, and God usually discovers it after many days. For, after a long while reflecting on times past, I saw in them so much of God, that I never before considered, that I found matter of blessing God for all, Rom. viii. 28, “All things work for good;" even their sins and desertions. 17thly, God himself is more eminently seen, in the mercies of his people, than instruments; and therefore ordinarily none doth good but himself, and that not in the way, thing, manner, and time, they propose unto themselves, but as he proposes. "There was no strange God with him," Deut. xxxii. 12. "O people saved by the Lord," Deut. xxxiii. 29; Psal. lxviii. 35, and xviii. 31, 32. 18thly, It is possible folks may meet with more sharp convictions after conversion than before, especially if they have not been well hammered with the law, Heb. x. 32, "After ye were enlightened, ye endured a great fight of afflictions;" which are not to be confined to outward, but inward likewise; Heman may still suffer terrors, Psal. lxxxviii. throughout. And I question if Job ever found such work as afterwards. I grant they "have not received the spirit of bondage," (which is one's constant frame,) hence Hannah is called "a woman of a sorrowful spirit." Before conversion, (except when madness made me rejoice,) death and judgment were continually terrible unto me, and "through fear of death, was kept all my lifetime in bondage," Heb. ii. 15, but now it is but in fits. A fearer of God may "sit in darkness, and have no light," Isa. 1. 10. But though they create sorrow and discouragements unto them

selves, and love to swim in these black streams, yet have not they received this spirit of bondage, but the Spirit of adoption, and they may come to God as a Father. This is their allowance, and the new nature and seed of grace tend to this; yet preternaturally, and by accident through mistakes and corruptions, it is hindered that it vents not itself in these filial motions, and will in end do it; yet, trysted with dispensations of providence, they may be troubled with this spirit of bondage. Howsoever they take it and harbour it, yet they received it not of God; "Perfect love casteth out fear," 1 John iv. 18; it is not their allowance.

CHAPTER IV.

RELATING SOME THINGS TOUCHING A DECAY THAT HAPPENED IMMEDIATELY THEREAFTER.

I fell in a sad decay both of light, and life, and consolation; the steps of it were:

§ 1. Step 1. Was unbelief and doubting of my interest in God, and of his love, through the mistakes of the nature of sanctification, and by a wrong construction of providences, and ignorance of the covenant of grace; so as I was in Job's condition; though I had prayed, and God had answered me, yet could I not believe it; I could not believe I was so happy as to be converted. And having such sad thoughts of myself, I had a bad construction of God and all his ways to me, inasmuch as I thought God did in wrath take away my terrors. Ah! said I, time was when the Lord was taking pains with me, and did lay siege with the law against my soul, at which time I delighted in duties; he put me in his fire and furnace, but now will he take no more care of me; now hath he raised his siege, and given me over: Oh miserable man that I am! I am left now to the judicial plague of an hard heart, which hath seized upon me; I am to pine out the rest of my days in vanity, sin, and trouble. And when my heart was in any frame, this, said I, is but to make

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