sion was this; I was before this a formalist; duties were my Christ, which I began (through my prevailing lusts and outward tentations, and withal some secret suspicions of their influence to justify me) gradually to be remiss in. Yet I left not the principle; for the principle remained, (notwithstanding I fell short in my practice,) that if I could abstain from my ordinary sins, keep the Sabbath-day, pray morning and evening, and do every known duty, I should be saved. And this continued until, being left by my mother in a religious family, I by providence took up a book called the Seventeen False Rests; wherein I found the vanity of formality in duties discovered very plainly, and some other pitches and lengths I had not attained to. I was afterwards confirmed in this by reading the Confession of Faith, where it saith, "That though one should form his life never so exactly, according to nature and morality, without Christ he could not be saved." This was enough; and the Spirit seconding it, convinced me I was quite wrong first, and had never known what true grace was; and beside, despaired ever of myself to come to that estate of grace. All my refuges of lies were shaken, and that which many sermons for a long time could not do, now in a moment three lines did. § 2. The frame of my spirit might be thus described; 1st, I thought all my duties, and all I could do, insufficient to save me, though as yet I saw not so clearly the insufficiency of duties; and therefore did easily conclude, that all this time I was in an unconverted condition, and, if I died without a further change than yet I felt, I should undoubtedly be damned. 2dly, I thought there was a certain state and blessed condition to which all the converted, and such as had the Lord's Spirit, had come, and betwixt me and which there was a very great cloud; and that I was, as it were, locked up from this. 3dly, I had some hopes that God might do me good, and bring me to this state ere I died. 4thly; I had in the meantime some sharp and terrible convictions for particular sins, but not for my evil nature, and which did wear away without any remaining effect. 5thly, I had no principle, nor rested in any thing, but looked for some divine manifestation and extraordinary revelation to my soul. 6thly, I prayed sometimes when the Spirit moved, and sometimes not; yet had no peace except when I prayed with life and affections; and then, though I rested not in this, yet would it comfort me. 7thly, I thought that those that were regenerate lived a life of perpetual comfort and glory, and always performed duties with life; and, when I would arrive at this pitch, I would judge myself converted. And I further thought, that there was a marvellous way of attaining to this; I looked for the kingdom of heaven to come with observation. 8thly, I condemned all men; for seeing the unsuitableness of their lives to their principles, and their great carnality, and hearing their fruitless complaints, and confessions, and doubts, and expressing nothing of God's love, I thought all came short, and lived in an empty form. 9thly, I thought them the best preachers who preached most methodically, and with greatest natural quickness, but understood not spiritual preachers. 10thly, I ordinarily slighted duties, and fell in out-breakings of swearing, lying, and idle talking, and carding; pleasures were my idol to which I was not mortified; I had no principle nor centre. 11thly, I mourned for sin, not because it offended God, but because of the consequents of it; and this made me conclude I was not sincere. And I thought, if once I could win to hate sin because it offended God, that then I was sincere. I drove this trade for the space of three years almost, wherein I was settled in nothing but in a waiting and seeking condition. § 3. During the time I was under the former dispensations, I was trysted with some wonderful Providences, wherein much of the power and goodness of God, in delivering me from terrible tentations to despair, did visibly appear. They were these: First, A year and a half after I had blasphemed, being in my bed, the thoughts of that grievous sin came to my mind, and that with such horror as made me tremble with an unaccustomed fear; this was the first sting of sin. I essayed to pray, but could not get my mouth opened; there did a number of blasphemies and cursings run in my mind with great horror and against my will, which I thought was like the devil in me. I had not knowledge, and therefore was the more troubled; for I was not fourteen years of age then. The more these thoughts did run in and present themselves to my mind, my horror was increased, insomuch that the horror of it was so great, that at last it became intolerable; and then, in my extremity and in great anguish of spirit, the Lord pitied me, and opened my mouth to pray for help, which I did most affectionately, and with great liberty and abundance of tears, which did by a secret virtue charm and calm my confused soul; for now did I by this conceive that I was not quite forsaken of God, as likewise the terrible apprehensions I had of God began to cease, and I slept till the next day. But my troubles began the next day again, and I thereby was made more devout, so as I read on godly books; and, casting the book at random, the first passage that I met with was this, "When Satan casts in blasphemous thoughts in thy heart, be not discouraged; for they are not thine, but Satan's." Here was a well of water; though my eyes at first could not see it so full, yet it did somewhat help me, and by it now I perceived much of God's condescending nature. In process of time, when I began to be less troubled, these blasphemous thoughts did wear away, and so did my trouble likewise. A second wonderful and merciful Providence was this. In the time I was a seeker, and heard them speaking of the sin against the Holy Ghost, and that it was unpardonable, I began presently to have some weak suspicions that I had sinned that sin, when I had recalled my blasphemy to mind; but concluded nothing certainly, because I knew not what that sin might be. And all this time it was my exercise to inquire at such as had knowledge, what that sin against the Holy Ghost might be, but was not satisfied, and I had no books that spake of that sin at all, and some places of Scripture in the Evangelists that did treat of that sin could not solve my scruple; but, the longer I continued, the more my fears increased. At last I took up a Concordance to seek the Lord's mind in his word anent it, and for this cause I looked the word Sin; at last I was made to read, Heb. x. 26, "If we sin wilfully," &c. I read them at length, and I thought I was stricken there with as with thunder, and continued amazed and speechless for a while; for I thought it was clear and past doubt I should go to hell, seeing I had sinned against knowledge, and wilfully, not being constrained thereto; and I could not say but it did proceed from passion for my bad luck at the cards. So that, for the space of three days, this temptation was a very sad exercise to me. Now, said my heart to me, dost thou not at last see thy doom clearly revealed? What need more witnesses? Then did I endeavour to pray, but was beaten back, because I thought it was in vain, seeing there is no more sacrifice for sin; yet I prayed. That word, I remember, in the midst of my despair came to mind, "Abraham in hope believed against hope;" and therefore I thought, though there was no hope, yet I should hope against hope. This was the only thing that did uphold me then. I drove heavily and heartlessly like Pharaoh's chariots, because I had no hope; although it stood me very much, I multiplied prayers, but they did not heal me; I remembered Esau, who wept until he got a blessing. And did Esau, said I, prevail with his earthly father by his importunity, notwithstanding that he could not help him, so as in the end to get some blessing; and cannot the power and wisdom of God help me, though I cannot conceive how? His thoughts are above mine. This staid me something, and withal put me to multiply my prayers, and to increase in importunity. But, after I was for three days fearfully shaken, and having communicated my case to none, the Lord did at last grant some deliverance, and was pleased to calm my soul, not by removing the cause, but by restraining Satan, and ceasing himself to let out his hand against me. I got a negative peace that I was not troubled, but lived as I was wont for a year after that, until the same temptation occurred again. 'Tis the Lord that raises the wind and storm, and that calms them again; and, oh what a mercy and power, that ever my conscience should be clear of such a storm! it is yet a wonder unto me. If he give peace, who can trouble? Let never any despair after me, though he were certain of hell; the gladdest word I could hear was, that my sins were pardonable, and that there was a possibility to be saved. In no case man is to despair; God can help in every case. A third wonderful Providence happened to me a year thereafter, upon the same occasion. One Sabbath-day, at night, I had made some vows in my last trouble, that I would seek God more diligently than I had done; but when the Lord's arrows were out of my reins, I forgot what I promised, and turned as bad as ever, being seduced with carnal company at the college. But the Lord gave me an awakening: for the sermon I had heard, being a relation of some under terrors of conscience, and their sad condition, had some impressions on my spirit, so as by nine o'clock, in my bed, recalling to mind my old sin of blasphemy, I thought there was much malice in it and despite. Upon which, for the space of some hours, a more violent storm did break out than any I had ever felt. I looked on myself as one that had undoubtedly sinned unpardonably. I saw in God's countenance terror, wrath, hatred, and vengeance; and some of my natural enmity against the Lord did break out likewise; so that I struggled, murmured, and fretted against God, like the damned in hell, for suffering me to sin unpardonably. Despair and want of hope is terrible; I was as if in hell; no visible thing did uphold me, only the secret power of God. I was in an hourly expectation when Satan should come and take me away; and it was beaten upon me with a mighty impression that I was delivered to the devil. It was impossible for me to pray: for in approaching to God I approached to my torment. I sought with sleep to pass away that night, the sorrowfullest that I ever endured, and so to wear away my horrors, and hoped the morning would some way cheer me; but I could not sleep, my horror still increased, and hopelessness was the sting of all my evils. It entered into my head once to put hands in myself; but this temptation did not take, nor singe so much as a hair of my head, but looked on it as a mad thing to torment myself before the time; it was hell I feared, and should I then run to it? At last, after much tossing, and hardly praying, it pleased God somewhat to allay my horror with these considerations, which I thought some good spirit |