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forc'd to knock off long ago, if it had not been for this Artifice. It has fav'd the Sun from being eclips'd, the Crown from being abdicated, the Rofe from decaying, the Fountain from being drawn dry, and both the Devils from being confin'd to utter Darkness. If your own Invention is fo barren, that it wants to be affifted, or you have not Geography enough to chriften your Wines yourself, I advise you to buy a Map of Spain, Portugal, France, and Italy, and there you will find Names of Places fit for your Purpofe, and the more uncommon they are, they'll be the more taking. Neither is this piece of Policy only practis'd in ours, but in most other Trades. A Bookfeller, to help the Sale of a dull Pamphlet, will fpruce it up with a most glorious Title, and tell you the Edition is almoft fold off, when he has five hundred lying dead upon his Hands. A Perfumer will pretend, that his Effences came from Montpelier, or Florence, tho' he made them at Home. The Glover talks of Cordova, and the Mercer of Naples, 'till their Lungs are founder'd, when both their Commodities were of London Extraction. And what Harm is there in all this? If the People cannot be pleas'd otherwife, we muft, in our own Defence, act as the Nonconformist Divines do, and humour them in their Folly. Si populus vult decipi, decipiatur, was the Saying of a Church-man who underflood the World fo well, that he wou'd have made an admirable Vintner, had he thought it worth his while.

Thirdly, Don't forget to commend your Wine for hofe very Qualities that your Cuftomers find Fault with it, like the Poets of the Town, who always juftify thofe Paffages in their Plays, for which the Criticks condemn them. For Example, If they fay 'tis fower or harsh, why, Gentlemen, 'tis the Nature of true French Wine to be fo; if they tell you 'tis fmall, you must reply, that it has a conceal'd Body; and if they quarrel with it for being heavy and strong, you may ftop their Mouths, by faying, 'tis fo much the fitter for our Climate, and that a Frieze Coat is

not

not falfe Latin in England, whatever it may be in a warmer Country. At other Times it will not be amifs to shift your Sails, and use another Conduct; as for Inftance: A Company of well-dreft Gentlemen come to your House, and in refpect to their Quality and gaudy Outfides, you draw 'em the beft Wine in your Vaults. Pfhaw, fays one, what the Devil have you brought us here? Damn it, cries another, this Stuff is not fit to be ferv'd at a Porter's Burial. Then you may harangue them to the following Tune. Why Gentlemen, this Wine, an't pleafe you, tho' it dif pleafes you fo much, has the good Fortune to be lik'd by other Palates. There's Sir John Squander, and my Lord Topewell, and twenty more I could mention, Senators, and Men of Understanding, that drink their Gallons of it every Night: But, to fay the Truth, 'tis not, between Friends, true Orthodox ; I find your Palates are extraordinary, fo I will go down my felf, and bring you the Flower of Europe, tho' I fay it; a final Parcel of it came over t'other Day; it only grows in one Vineyard belonging to the Monks, a Plague on 'em I have forgot the Place; the greatest Part was bought for the King's Ufe, against a publick Entertainment, and the Merchant befriended me with the reft: But for God's Sake, Gentlemen, fpeak not a Word of this to any of my Cuftomers; you fhall have of it for your own Company as long as it lafts; but if ever this should be known to my Lord, and Sir John, and the W Country

Part Men, that come to my Houfe, I am un done for ever, therefore I hope you'll be fecret. Then fly down Stairs like Lightning, bring up a Flask of the worst Wine you have, take off the Oil nicely, and prefent the Glafs to one of thofe judicious Gentle men. Now obferve how the Scene is alter'd. A plague on't, why this will do, fays the first. Do? cries the fecond, fpirting it critically upon the Floor, this is fit for Angels, and not poor finful Mortals. Why, Jack, fays the third, this is exactly the fame

Wine

>

Wine you and I used to make merry with, on the other Side of the Alpes. An't please the Lord, cries the fourth, I'll get my full Dose on't to Night. Mar fter, we are oblig'd to you. Here, Drawer, bring me up a Napkin; and then a good Supper is befpoke, and Drunkenness enfues. A certain Brother of the Quill, that does not live full an hundred Miles from the Exchange, has got a brave Eftate by this very Trick, therefore fee you put it in Practice. There are

a thousand other Stratagems to be used in our Profeflian, but should. I pretend to recount, but half of them here, I fhould make this more tedious than a Paftoral Letter. A little Time and Experience will foon bring you acquainted with them.

I have nothing now left upon my Hands to do, but to answer the Scruples you propos'd to me in your laft, which I will dispatch with all the Brevity I am Mafter of.. You defire to know whether a Vintner may take Advantage of People when they are in their Cups, and reckon more than they have had. To which I anfwer in the Affirmitive, that you may, provided it be done in the Way of Trade, and not for any finifter End. This Cafe has been fo adjudg'd many Years ago in Vintners Hall, and you may depend upon't. Don't you fee how in all other Trades they never fcruple to make a Penny of a Cuftomer's Igno, sance, (elfe how could the Bookfeller in Paul's ChurchYard, have palmid Ogilby's Fables, with Cuts upon a. Country Wench, for a Common-Prayer Book, and told her, that fop, with his Beafts about him, was Adam in Paradife) and is not Drunkennefs, while it Continues upon a Man, a State of Ignorance? Befides, is it not a Sin, a heinous Sin? And ought not we, that are in fome Measure acceffary to it, to mortify and punith it? And does any Thing more disturb the Confcience of an English man, than to make his Pocket do Penance? After all, if the Fraud is difcover'd, (and 'tis ten to one whether it be or no) the Master of the Houfe is not at all affected by it, A Vintner

Vintner, like the King, can do no Wrong. The Bar indeed may mistake, the Drawers may be Sons of Whores, and mif-reckon; but a Mafter is not to be damn'd for the Tranfgreffions of his Servants. Even General Councils, with the Pope at the Head of 'em, are not infallible. Humanum eft errare. The poor Woman at the Bar is but just come out of the Coun try, or the Noife of the Bell, or the Hurry of Businefs, distracted her. Gentlemen, to make you Amends, I'll call for my Quart; Fd not do an ill Thing for the Universe. And thus the Farce concludes.

In the next Place, you wou'd know how you ought to govern yourself in relation to lewd Women that Gentlemen bring to your Houfe: To which I reply, That as Men that have Wives, are commanded to live as if they had none; fo, in this wicked Town, a Vintner that has Eyes, muft behave himself as if he had them not, and fometimes too he must have no Ears, otherwise, damn'd Rogue, and Cuckoldly Villain, would make but ill Mufick in them. So long as all this ferves for the promoting of Trade, for my Part, I think there's no great Sin in it; this I am fure of, that if it were not for this Practice, our Neighbours the Apothecaries and Surgeons would fairly farve; and, you know, we fhould love our Neighbours as our felves. The worst Effect it pradices, is in respect to our Wives and Daughters; it fets their Mouths a watering, and often makes them with to be in the Harlot's Place. I once knew a Vintner's big-belly'd Wife, that having taken Notice of a painful Whore, who by the Sweat of her Brows had earn't fifteen Pints of White Wine one Night with fifteen feveral Men, went ill from the Bar, and nothing would ferve her Turn, but she must be deliver'd in the very Chair that had affifted fo much Fornication. But you'll say 'tis against your Confcience. Coufin John, you are a young Beginner in the World, there fore follow my Direction, and clap a Muzzle upon your Confcience. When you have got twenty thou

fand

fand Pounds in your Pocket, you may take off your Muzzle, if you think fit, and leave it, to itfelf. Then you may shut up your Doors at Nine, look as difcreetly as the graveft Hypocrite in the City, forbid finging of Catches in your Houfe, deliver a Gill of Wine thro' the little Wicket only on the Lord's Day, call the Sunday the Sabbath, ftrut to the ParishChurch at the Head of half a Dozen notch'd Drawers lugging a Geneva Bible between them, and take the Sermon in Short-Hand, as many of your Predeceffors, (when they thought they were wealthy enough to deferve Damnation) have done before you. This is all, Your affectionate Kinsman.

from

To my Lady..... that marry'd an old decrepit Widower.

Madam,

You

U have ufed yourself with greater Cruelty

had it been your ill Fortune to come within his Power. Algiers itself inflicts no fuch Punishment up. on its vileft Slaves, as you have voluntarily and freely impos'd upon yourself. Mezentius, fo execrable in Hiftory for tying the Living to the Dead, referv'd this inhuman Ufage only for his Enemies; as Brutal as he was, he never dream'd of ufing his Friends in that Manner, much lefs himself. Yet you, Madam, have thought fit to practise it upon one, who, to my Knowledge, deferv'd a better Treatment at your Hands.

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