Caius. I pray you, let-a me speak a word vit your ear: verefore vill you not meet-a me? Eva. Pray you, use your patience in good time. Caius. By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. Eva. Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.—I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb for missing your meetings and appointments. Caius. Diable!-Jack Rugby,-mine Host de Jarretière, have I not stay for him, to kill him? have I not, at de place I did appoint? Eva. As I am a Christian soul, now, look you, this is the place appointed. I'll be judgment by mine Host of the Garter. Host. Peace, I say! Gallia and Guallia, French and Welsh; soul-curer and body-curer. Caius. Ay, dat is very good: excellent. Host. Peace, I say! hear mine Host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions, and the motions. Shall I lose my parson? my priest? my sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the noverbs. Give me thy hands, celestial and terrestrial; so.-Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. -Come, lay their swords to pawn.-Follow me, lad of peace; follow, follow, follow. Shal. Trust me, a mad host.-Follow, gentlemen, follow. Slen. O, sweet Anne Page! [Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host. Caius. Ha! do I perceive dat! have you make-a de sot of us? ha, ha! Eva. This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog. -I desire you, that we may be friends, and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the Host of the Garter. Caius. By gar, vit all my heart. He promise to bring me vere is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive me too. Era. Well, I will smite his noddles.-Pray you, follow. [Exeunt. SCENE II.-A Street in Windsor. Enter Mistress PAGE and ROBIN. Mrs. Page. Nay, keep your way, little gallant: you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels? Rob. I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man, than follow him like a dwarf. Mrs. Page. O! you are a flattering boy: now, I see, you'll be a courtier. Enter FORD. Ford. Well met, mistress Page. Whither go you? Mrs. Page. Truly, sir, to see your wife: is she at home? Ford. Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of your company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry. Mrs. Page. Be sure of that,-two other husbands. Ford. Where had you this pretty weather-cock? Mrs. Page. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of.-What do you call your knight's name, sirrah? Rob. Sir John Falstaff. Ford. Sir John Falstaff! Mrs. Page. He, he; I can never hit on's name There is such a league between my good man and him! Mrs. Page. By your leave, sir: I am sick, till I see her. [Exeunt Mrs. PAGE and ROBIN. Ford. Hath Page any brains! hath he any eyes? hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty miles, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces-out his wife's inclination; he gives her folly motion, and advantage: and now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind:-and Falstaff's boy with her!-Good plots!-they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actæon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim. [Clock strikes ten.] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search; there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather praised for this, than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm, that Falstaff is there: I will go. Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, Sir HUGH EVANS, CAIUS, and RUGBY. Page, Shal. &c. Well met, master Ford. Ford. Trust me, a good knot. I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with me. Shal. I must excuse myself, master Ford. Slen. And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I'll speak of. Shal. We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer. Slen. I hope, I have your good will, father Page. Page. You have, master Slender; I stand wholly for you:-but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether. Caius. Ay, by gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush. Host. What say you to young master Fenton? he capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holyday, he smells April and May: he will carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry't. Page. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the wild Prince and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him take her simply: the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way. Ford. I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster.-Master doctor, you shall go :-so shall you, master Page; and you, sir Hugh. Shal. Well, fare you well.-We shall have the freer wooing at master Page's. [Exeunt SHALLOW and SLENder. Caius. Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. [Exit RUGBY. Host. Farewell, my hearts. I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him. [Exit Host. Ford. [Aside.] I think, I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles? All. Have with you, to see this monster. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-A Room in FORD's House. Enter Mrs. FORD and Mrs. PAGE. thee, there's something extraordinary in thee. Come; I cannot cog, and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping haw-thorn buds, that come like women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury simple-time: I cannot; but I love thee, none but thee, and thou deservest it. Mrs. Ford. What, John! what, Robert! Enter Servants with a large Basket. Mrs. Page. Come, come, come. Mrs. Page. Give your men the charge: we must be brief. Mrs. Ford. Marry, as I told you before, John, and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and (without any pause, or staggering) take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side. Mrs. Page. You will do it? Mrs. Ford. I have told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called. [Exeunt Servants. Mrs. Page. Here comes little Robin. Enter ROBIN. Mrs. Ford. How now, my eyas-musket? what news with you? Rob. My master, sir John, is come in at your backdoor, mistress Ford, and requests your company. Mrs. Page. You little Jack-a-lent, have you been true to us? Rob. Ay, I'll be sworn: my master knows not of your being here; and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it, for he swears he'll turn me away. Mrs. Page. Thou'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose.-I'll go hide me. Mrs. Ford. Do so.-Go tell thy master, I am alone. Mistress Page, remember you your cue. [Exit ROBIN. Mrs. Page. I warrant thee: if I do not act it, hiss [Exit Mrs. PAGE. Mrs. Ford. Go to, then we'll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion;-we'll teach him to know turtles from jays. me. Enter FALSTAFF. Fal. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition. O this blessed hour! Mrs. Ford. Ó, sweet sir John! Fal. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead, I'll speak it before the best lord, I would make thee my lady. Mrs. Ford. I your lady, sir John? alas, I should be a pitiful lady. Fal. Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow, that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance. Mrs. Ford. A plain kerchief, sir John: my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither. Fal. By the Lord, thou art a tyrant to say so thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if fortune thy foe were not, nature thy friend : come, thou canst not hide it. Mrs. Ford. Do not betray me, sir. I fear, you love mistress Page. Fal. Thou might'st as well say, I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln. Mrs. Ford. Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it. Fal. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. Mrs. Ford. Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else I could not be in that mind. Rob. [Within.] Mistress Ford! mistress Ford! here's mistress Page at the door, sweating, and blowing, and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. Fal. She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind the arras. Mrs. Ford. Pray you, do so she's a very tattling [FALSTAFF hides himself. Enter Mistress PAGE and ROBIN. woman. What's the matter? how now! Mrs. Ford. What's the matter, good mistress Page? Mrs. Page. O well-a-day, mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband to give him such cause of suspicion! Mrs. Ford. What cause of suspicion? Mrs. Page. What cause of suspicion ?—Out upon you! how am I mistook in you! Mrs. Ford. Why, alas! what's the matter? Mrs. Page. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman, that, he says, is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence. You are undone. Mrs. Ford. 'Tis not so, I hope. Mrs. Page. Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one: I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you: defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever. Mrs. Ford. What shall I do?-There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame, so much as his peril I had rather than a thousand pound, he were out of the house. Mrs. Page. For shame! never stand "you had rather," and "you had rather." your husband's here at hand; bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him.-O, how have you deceived me!-Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or, it is whiting-time, send him by your two men to Datchet mead. Mrs. Ford. He's too big to go in there. What shall I do? Re-enter FALSTAFF. Fal. Let me see't, let me see't! O, let me see't! I'll in, I'll in.-Follow your friend's counsel. Mrs. Ford. Believe me, there's no such thing in me. Mrs. Page. What! sir John Falstaff? Are these your letters, knight? Fal. I love thee: help me away; let me creep in here; I'll never [He gets into the basket, and falls over: they cover him with foul linen. Mrs. Page. Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, mistress Ford.-You dissembling knight! Mrs. Ford. What, John! Robert! John! [Exit ROBIN. Re-enter Servants.] Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where's the cowl-staff? look, how you drumble: carry them to the laundress in Datchet mead; quickly, come. Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH EVANS. Ford. Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it.-How now! whither bear you this? Serv. To the laundress, forsooth. Mrs. Ford. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? you were best meddle with buck-washing. Ford. Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck, and of the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt Servants with the basket.] Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night: I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers, search, seek, find out: I'll warrant, we'll unkennel the fox.-Let me stop this way first:-so, now uncape. Page. Good master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. Ford. True, master Page.-Up, gentlemen; you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen. [Exit. Eva. This is fery fantastical humours, and jealousies. Caius. By gar, 'tis no de fashion of France: it is not jealous in France. Page. Nay, follow him, gentlemen: see the issue of his search. [Exeunt PAGE, EVANS, and CAIUS. Mrs. Page. Is there not a double excellency in this? Mrs. Ford. I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or sir John. Mrs. Page. What a taking was he in, when your husband asked who was in the basket! Mrs. Ford. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so, throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. Mrs. Page. Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress. Mrs. Ford. I think, my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now. Mrs. Page. I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine. Mrs. Ford. Shall we send that foolish carrion, mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment? Mrs. Page. We'll do it: let him be sent for to-morrow eight o'clock, to have amends. Re-enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH EVANS. Ford. I cannot find him: may be, the knave bragged of that he could not compass. Mrs. Page. Heard you that? Mrs. Ford. You use me well, master Ford, do you? Ford. Ay, I do so. Mrs. Ford. Heaven make you better than your thoughts! Ford. Amen. Mrs. Page. You do yourself mighty wrong, master Ford. Ford. Ay, ay; I must bear it. Eva. If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment. Caius. By gar, nor I too: dere is no bodies. Page. Fie, fie, master Ford! are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not have your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle. Ford. 'Tis my fault, master Page: I suffer for it. Eva. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a 'omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too. Caius. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. Ford. Well; I promised you a dinner.-Come, come, walk in the park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you, why I have done this.Come, wife;-come, mistress Page: I pray you pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me. Page. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding together: I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so? Ford. Any thing. Eva. If there is one, I shall make two in the company. Caius. If there be one or two, I shall make-a de turd. Ford. Pray you go, master Page. Eva. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the lousy knave, mine Host. Caius. Dat is good; by gar, vit all my heart. Eva. A lousy knave! to have his gibes, and his mockeries. [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-A Room in PAGE'S House. Fent. I see, I cannot get thy father's love; Why, thou must be thyself. Fent. No, heaven so speed me in my time to come! Albeit, I will confess, thy father's wealth Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne: Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags; And 'tis the very riches of thyself That now I aim at. Anne. Gentle master Fenton, Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir: If opportunity and humblest suit Cannot attain it, why then,-Hark you hither. [They talk apart. Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and Mrs. QUICKLY. Shal. Break their talk, mistress Quickly, my kinsman shall speak for himself. Slen. I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't. 'Slid, 'tis but venturing. Shal. Be not dismay'd. Slen. No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that, but that I am afeard. Quick. Hark ye; master Slender would speak a word with you. E Anne. I come to him.-This is my father's choice. Shal. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy! thou hadst a father. Slen. I had a father, mistress Anne: my uncle can tell you good jests of him.-Pray you, uncle, tell mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle. Shal. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. Slen. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in Gloucestershire. Shal. He will maintain you like a gentlewoman. Slen. Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under the degree of a 'squire. Shal. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure. Anne. Good master Shallow, let him woo for himself. Shal. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you. [Stands back. Anne. Now, master Slender. Slen. My will? od's heartlings! that's a pretty jest, indeed. I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. Anne. I mean, master Slender, what would you with me? Slen. Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with you. Your father, and my uncle, have made motions if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They can tell you how things go, better than I can: you may ask your father; here he comes. Enter PAGE and Mistress PAGE. Page. Now, master Slender!-Love him, daughter Why, how now! what does master Fenton here? I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of. And as I find her, so am I affected. Fent. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains. [Exit. Quick. Now, heaven send thee good fortune! A SCENE V.-A Room in the Garter Inn. Fal. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't. Fal. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames Mrs. Page. Good master Fenton, come not to my water; for my belly's as cold, as if I had swallowed child. Page. She is no match for you. No, good master Fenton.- In such a righteous fashion as I do, Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners, And not retire: let me have your good will. Anne. Good mother, do not marry me to yond' fool. Mrs. Page. I mean it not; I seek you a better hus- Quick. That's my master, master doctor. Mrs. Page. Come, trouble not yourself. I will not be your friend, nor enemy: My daughter will I question how she loves you, Good snow-balls for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. Bard. Come in, woman. Enter Mrs. QUICKLY. Quick. By your leave.-I cry you mercy: give your worship good-morrow. Fal. Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle of sack finely. Bard. With eggs, sir? Fal. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage. Exit BARDOLPH.]-How now? Quick. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from mistress Ford. Fal. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough: I was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford. Quick. Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection. Fal. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise. Quick. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a birding: she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine. I must carry her word quickly she'll make you amends, I warrant you. Fal. Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her think, what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and lane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous then judge of my merit. Quick. I will tell her. Fal. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou ? Fal. Well, be gone: I will not miss her. [Exit. Fal. I marvel, I hear not of master Brook: he sent me word to stay within. I like his money well. O! here he comes. Enter FORD. Ford. Bless you, sir. Fal. Now, master Brook; you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife? Ford. That, indeed, sir John, is my business. knave, their master, in the door, who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket. I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well; on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, master Brook : I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether: next, to be compassed, like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease think of that,-a man of my kidney,-think of that; that am as subject to heat, as butter; a man of : Fal. Master Brook, I will not lie to you. I was at continual dissolution and thaw it was a miracle, to her house the hour she appointed me. Ford. And sped you, sir? Fal. Very ill-favouredly, master Brook. Ford. How so, sir? Did she change her determination? Fal. No, master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love. Ford. What! while you were there? Ford. And did he search for you, and could not find you? Fal. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and by her invention, and Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. Ford. A buck-basket! Fal. By the Lord, a buck-basket: rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy napkins; that, master Brook, there was the | rankest compound of villainous smell, that ever offended nostril. Ford. And how long lay you there? Fal. Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I have suffered, to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress, to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet SCENE I.-The Street. 'scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse shoe; think of that, hissing hot,-think of that, master Brook. Ford. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit, then, is desperate; you'll undertake her no more? Fal. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Ætna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, master Brook. Ford. 'Tis past eight already, sir. Fal. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed, and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her: adieu. You shall have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Exit. Ford. Hum: ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake! awake, master Ford! there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford. This 'tis to be married: this 'tis to have linen, and buck-baskets. Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house : he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should: he cannot creep into a half-penny purse, nor into a pepperbox; but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make me mad, let the proverb go with me, I'll be horn mad. [Exit. ACT IV. Mrs. Page. Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son profits nothing in the world at his book: I pray you, ask him some questions in his accidence. Eva. Come hither, William: hold up your head; come. Mrs. Page. Come on, sirrah: hold up your head; answer your master, be not afraid. Eva. William, how many numbers is in nouns? Quick. Truly, I thought there had been one number more, because they say, od's nouns. Eva. Peace your tattlings!-What is fair, William ? Will. Pulcher. Quick. Pole-cats! there are fairer things than pole Eva. You are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you, peace. What is lapis, William?" |