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Mankind in every other Subject of Discourse, as in that of their own Prosession.
A Continuation of the State as England. The Character of a First or Chief Minister of State in European Courts.
MY Master was yet wholly at a Loss to understand what Motives could incite this Race of Lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary themselves, and engage in a Consederacy of Injustice, meerly for the Sake of injuring their Fellow-animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant in faying, they did it for Hire. Whereupon I was at much Pains to describe to him the Use of Money, the Materials it was-made of, and the Value of the Metals; that, when a Taboo had got a great Store of this precious Substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a Mind to, the sinest Cloathing, the noblest Houses, great Tracts of Land, the most costly Meats and Drinks ; and have his Choice of the most beautisul Females. Therefore, since Money alone was able to perform all these Feats, our Tahoos thought, they could never have enough of it to spend, or to fave, as they found themselves inclined, from their natural Bent either to Prosusion or Avarice. That the rich Man enjoyed the Fruit of the poor Man's Labour, and the latter were a thoufand to one in Proportion to the former. That the Bulk of our People were forced to live miserably, by labouring every Day for small Wages, to make a sew
live live plentifully. I enlarged myself much on these, and many other Particulars, to the fame Purpose: But his Honour was still to seek: For he went upon a Supposition, that all Animals had a Title to their Share in the Productions of the Earth; and especially those who presided over the rest. Therefore he desired I would let him know, what these costly Meats were, and how any of us happened to want them. Whereupon I enumerated as many Sorts as came into my Head, with the various Methods of Dressing them, which could not be done, without sending Vessels by Sea to every Part of the World, as well for Liquors to drink, as for Sauce?, and innumerable other Conveniences. I assured him, that this whole Globe of Earth must be at least three Times gone round, before one of our better Female Tahoos could get her Breakfast, or a Cup to put it in. He faid, that must needs be a miserable Country, which cannot furnish Food for its own Inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at, was how such vail Tracts of Ground, as I described, should be wholly without/>.§/& Water, and the People put to the Necessity of sending over the Sea for Drink. I replied, that England (the dear Place of my Nativity) was computed to produce three Times the Quantity of Food, more than its Inhabitants are able to consume, as well as Liquors extracted from Grain, or pressed out of the Fruit of certain Trees, which made excellent Drink; and the fame Proportion in every other Convenience of Lise. But in order to seed the Luxury and Intemperance of the Males, and the Vanity of the Females, we sent away the greatest Part of our necessary Things to other Countries, from whence, in Return, we brought the Materials of Diseases, Folly, and U z Vice, 292 /voyage
Vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of Necessity,'' that vast Numbers of our People are compelled to seek their Livelihood by Begging, Robbing, Stealing, Cheating, Pimping, Forswearing, Flattering, Suborning, Forswearing, Forging, Gaming, Lying, Fawning, Hectoring, Voting, Scribling, Star-gazing, Poysoning, Whoring, Canting, Libelling, Free-thinkine, and the like Occupations: Every one of which Terms I was at much Pains to make him understand.
That Wine was not imported among us from foreign Countries, to supply the Want of Water, or other Drinks, but because it was a Sort of Liquid which made us merry, by putting us out of our Senses; diverted all melancholy Thoughts, begat wild extravagant Imaginations in the Brain, raised our Hopes, and banished our Fears; suspended every Office of Reason for a Time, and deprived us of the Use of our Limbs, till we fell into a profound Sleep; although it must be confessed, that we always awaked sick and dispirited; and that the Use of this Liquor filled us with Diseases, which made our Lives uncomfortable and lhort.
But, beside all this, the Bulk of our People supported themselves by surnishing the Necessities or Conveniences of Lise to the Rich, and to each other. For Instance, when I am at Home, and dressed, as I ought to be, I carry on my Body the Workmanship of an hundred Tradesmen; the Building and Furniture of my House employ as many more, and five Times the Number to adorn my Wise.
I was going on to tell him of another Sort of People, who get their Livelihood by attending the Sick, having, upon some Occasions, informed
his his Honour, that many of my Crew had died of Diseases. But here it was with the utmost Difsiculty, that I brought him to apprehend what I meant. He could easily conceive, that a Houyhnhnm grew weak and heavy a sew Days before his Death ; or, by some Accident, might hurt a Limb. But that Nature, who works all Things to Persection, should sufser any Pains to breed in our Bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know the Reason of so unaccountable an Evil. I told him, we sed on a thoufand Things, which operated contrary to each other; that we eat when we were not hungry, and drank without the Provocation of Thirst; that we fat whole Nights drinking strong Liquors without eating a Bit, which disposed us to Sloth, enflamed our Bodies, and precipitated or prevented Digestion. That prostitute Female Yaboos acquired a certain Malady, which bred Rottenness in the Bones of those who sell into their Embraces; that this, and many other Diseases, were propagated from Father to Son; so that great Numbers come into the World with complicated Maladies upon them; that it would be endless to give him a Catalogue of all Diseases incident to human Bodies; for they could not be sewer than sive or six hundred, spread over every Limb, and Joynt; in short, every Part, external and intestine, having Diseases appropriated to each. To remedy which, there was a Sort of People bred up among us, in the Prosession, or Pretence, of curing the Sick. And, because I had some Skill in the Faculty, I would, in Gratitude to his Honour, let him know the whole Mystery and Method by which they proceed.
Their Fundamental is, that all Diseases arise from Repletion; from whence they conclude, that a great Evacuation of the Body is necessary, either through the natural Passage, or upwards at the Mouth. Their next Business is, from Herbs, Minerals, Gums, Oyh,Shells, Salts, Juices, Sea-weed, Excrements, Barks of Trees, Serpents, Toads, Frogs, Spiders, dead Mens Flesh and Bones, Birds, Beasts, and Fishes, to form a Composition for Smell and Taste the most abominable, nauseous, and detestable, they can possibly contrive, which the Stomach immediately rejects with Loathing; and this they call a Vomit: Or else, • from the fame Store-house, with some other poysonous Additions, they command us to take in at the Orisice ahove or beknu (just as the Physician then happens to be disposed) a Medicine equally annoying and disgustsul to the Bowels; which relaxing the Belly, drives down all before it; and this they call a Purge, or a Clyster. For Nature (as the Physicians alledge) having intended the superior anterior Orisice only for the lntromiffion of Solids and Liquids, and the inserior posterior for Ejection; these Artists ingeniously considering that in all Diseases Nature is forced out of her Seat; therefore, to replace her in it, the Body must be treated in a Manner directly contrary, by interchanging the Use of each Orisice; forcing Solids and Liquids in at the Anus, and making Evacuations at the Mouth.
But, besides real Diseases, we are subject to many that are only imaginary, for which the Physicians have invented imaginary Cures ; these have their several Names, and so have the Drugs that are proper for them; and with these our Female Tahooi are always insested.